start a rumor monday: Bush takes Immigration Battle to a Whole New Level

(a deprave little shout-out to my favorite toddler, Marley Bleu. keep working on those knock-knock jokes, homie.)

Dubya is a Rough Rider (when he plays dress up), and he means business. El Presidente returned to the States last week, only to be met with the grim news that the comprehensive immigration policy he'd backed was nearly dead. Bush countered with a speech at the National Hispanic Prayer Breakfast last Friday, imploring the passage of the immigration bill, saying that immigration reform was an imperative, and a "moral obligation." Leaders from both sides of the aisle have agreed to review the issue, but made no promises beyond that. If this morning's press conference is any indication, however, this Texas Ranger intends to play hardball.

Last week, Senate majority leader, Harry Reid commented that it was up to President Bush to get the bill passed; it seems the President has taken this toro by the horns. This morning, Bush abandoned the Jesus talk, and got down to business. After greeting the press corps, Bush reminded everyone in the room that the war in Iraq was not the only "smack down" he intended wage on brown people, "who don't speak English too good." Rather, Bush stated, "Citizens of the United States are also entangled in the more figurative war on immigration." Since weapons inspectors are a bit inappropriate in helping the Bush Administration goad the American people into seeing things his way, he's resorted to another tactic: kidnapping.

After preliminary comments which reiterated Bush's strong desire for the quick passage of the above-mentioned immigration bill, Press Secretary, Tony Snow dragged a large sack in front of the corps, and dumped its contents onto the floor. The President provided an explanation, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you Dora, Baby Jaguar, and Dora's cousin, Diego. Many of you know them as stars of the NickToons shows, Dora the Explorer, and Go, Diego, Go!. Dora is the face of a multi-billion dollar merchandising business, and Diego isn't too far behind. What you do not know is that they are also illegals. I have the power to deport them, but I don't want to have to do that."

Dora, Diego, and Baby Jaguar stood bound as the President ransomed them in front of the press. Bush continued, "If this bill is not passed, I will put all three of them somewhere Dora, here, can't locate on her map." [The press involuntarily interrupted, "Saaaaay map!"] Bush again referred to the war on terror, "We'll find Bin Laden before anyone finds them if things continue to go badly. My fellow Americans, please call your local Congressman and declare your support for the proposed immigration reform. If you don't, I will throw this little senorita and sus amigos into the Rio Grande faster than you can say livin' la vida loca." And with that, our beloved cartoon characters were ushered back into the sack and out of the press room. The President followed. Microphones still on, members of the press overheard Bush's apparent flatulence, followed by an explanation, "Must've been those refried beans I had with my breakfast BOR-REE-TOE. Oh, that's bad." Then, he chuckled.