Monday, September 26, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

and just as it happened in the days of noah...


more people than george bush have learned from hurricane katrina. in an unprecedented act of "defiance" poor people in urban cities are taking the lessons from the aftermath of the hurricane and putting them to use: they are flooding their own neighborhoods.

in a spectacle not seen since, well, two weeks ago on cnn, poor black neighborhoods in and around the chicago area have become surrounded by dirty, disease-infested water. it seems that residents of some of the poorest neighborhoods on the south and west side of the city somehow "nigga rigged" the city's water and sewage system over the weekend. residents living in some of the more eastern areas have even begun pumping water from lake michigan.

we caught up with the head of the "chicago floods the projects movement," ras the deluger (government name, cortez smith), a 35-year old pimp/preacher/numbers runner/community activist born and raised on the west side of chicago.

fecundmellow: why are you flooding your own neighborhood?
ras: when i saw how folks finally started paying attention to poor people after the tsunami last year, and the flood a couple of weeks ago, i felt like it was the only thing i could do, nahmean?"

fecundmellow: so this is like the la riots, only with water?
ras: i mean, we was gonna burn and loot or whatever, but that shit seemed mad 20th century, yo. plus we wasn't really trying to steal shit.

fecundmellow: then what was your goal?
ras: i mean, we ain't just kickin' it on the roof just for the hell of it. we're waiting for them cnn niggas to come fly by with video cameras. then maybe people will be like, 'it's poor people in other areas, too?' i mean, i know dub-ya got that dis record out now, and it's hot and all that, but why my crib gotta be underwater to get a muhfucka to pay attention?

fecundmellow: well, i know it's a bit too early to tell, but has any good come of this?
ras: oh hell yeah, nigga. jay-z sent us some velour shit, and puffy, i mean diddy, hooked us up with some shiny suits. check out my new g-unit sneakers.

fecundmellow: so you did this for new gear?
ras: hell nah, nigga. we ain't on no christmas in september bullshit. the first thing we did was flood the schools from the inside out. my daughter starts a new school on tuesday. they gave her text books, yo! you can call this the nig version of no child left behind, nahmean?

fecundmellow: but don't you think people will be reluctant to help you because you did this yourself?
ras: man, i seen that hustle and flow nigga on david letterman talking about how those folks down in n.o. was just waiting to be helped and weren't trying to help themselves and shit. so i'm like, ok, lemme help myself to the water department's facilities. maybe muhfuckas will remember us then. we tried to march and shit, but we got arrested for loitering. besides, that ain't really worked since like '63 maybe.

fecundmellow: has the hip hop community been the only one to help you so far?
ras: nah, not at all. this flood shit right here? it's full-proof, yo. white folks ain't been this mad and paying attention to black bodies since janet jackson's titty fell out. they just crying and writing checks...crying and writing checks. it's like the only way a nig can make some scrilla to get out the 'hood without rapping or dunking a basketball.

fecundmellow: thanx for talking with us, ras.
ras: no problem, sis. i just wanna tell the black people in africa that they should really try to this flood shit. i'm telling you, yo. flooding is the new world hunger.

fecundmellow: how the fuck do i get off this roof?
ras: just spray paint the word help, and sit your black ass down. you get a helicopter ride and ten g's. guaranteed.

ras: look, yo! it's oprah and her camera crew.
[ras points and waves.]
fecundmellow: oh shit, nigga, duck!

as of today, no one from the city of chicago's water department has commented or taken any action to stop the "use" of the city's water system. we believe this has to do with the fact that all employees are either in jail or awaiting trial.

**for those of you who missed it, terence howard had some particularly insensitive remarks regarding certain new orleanians during his appearance on late show with david letterman.




language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

6 Comments:

Blogger mwilli said...

this may be the funniest one yet, but don't quote me on that shit.

26/9/05 19:23  
Blogger summer m. said...

@mwilli: thanx. unfortunately, no one else seems to.

can't win 'em all, i guess.

26/9/05 22:14  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

No sister, it had some of that bernard bradshaw crack in it at the end. I think this was one of the best. I like the cliffhanger. By the way Oprah is going to get yo ass.

27/9/05 00:38  
Blogger Amadeo said...

Oh shit, I'm breaking the hose out today, hell yeah...I need to move my car somewhere first though.

27/9/05 15:55  
Blogger Jdid said...

lol, nice one
didnt know about the terrence howard thing either

28/9/05 05:14  
Blogger MB said...

i have to say it, though it's been said before, you need to be on best week ever!

28/9/05 22:39  

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