Monday, September 05, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

summer m. zoolanders at black weblog awards, retires from blogging

sometimes life imitates art. that's what happened yesterday at the black weblog awards when blogger summer m. took the stage. in a scene that mirrored derek zoolander's antics at the vh1 fashion awards, summer m. gave an acceptance speech for an award she did not win.** just as zoolander took the stage to receive what he thought was his unprecedented third straight male model of the year award, summer m. grabbed the black fist statue from karsh's hand and hugged presenter, bernard bradshaw before giving her monologue to the astonished crowd. it seems that summer m. went deaf after bernard said, "and the winner is..." though the humanity critic's name was announced, summer m. rose from her seat as if fecundmellow had been called.

"it was a pretty sad sight," blogger and fecundmellow intern, harold gibson said during an aftershow interview. he later reflected, "if you look at some of her rumors from earlier in the year, you'd say she was a shoe-in to win. but i think her perpetual disses of kanye west got old after a while. and her stuff on star jones? not really that funny if you ask me."

"anybody who didn't vote for summer m. is a beyotch," fellow personality chick, saf said. "and it's obvious that these voters don't have a clue when it comes to 'best writing in a blog'. i'm pretty sure i'm the only nig who used the term 'avuncular' in a blog entry. i flow from the ebonic to the academic more smoothly than any muhfuckin' body. is it my fault you have a limited vocabulary? dictionary.com, beyotches." she yelled into the microphone, "i'm the muhfuckin' toni morrison of this goddamn blogosphere. fuck all y'all that didn't see that."

even saf's rant couldn't shift the focus from her homegyrl's embarrassing faux pas earlier in the evening. sitting near the aisle for quicker access to the podium, summer m.--dressed in a novelty t-shirt that read "split lickety", levis, a cordouroy blazer, and a fresh pair of puma sum 69's--was accompanied by the p. chix and her date for the night, anonymous commenter, blu. when she thought she heard her name announced as funniest blogger, she rose, gave the p. chix dap, tongued down blu, and pointed to various people in the crowd as she walked up to the stage. the confused orchestra played jean grae's "hater's anthem" as summer m. walked to the podium. she hugged a bewildered bernard bradshaw and karsh before turning to the audience and giving the following acceptance speech:

wow. i am soooo shocked and surprised to be on this stage tonite. i truly can't believe that i'm here on stage accepting the award for best humor blog. but the people have spoken. and if i may paraphrase my sister jneezy's favorite group, destiny's child, the people have [*sings*] said my name, said my name. i swear, all the voters musta been like summer! summer! just like kerry washington the other night, and res the night before that. but i digress. let me get to the speech i prepared just in case i won.

though there are a ton of people who i could probably thank this evening, i'm not going to because i want to take the opportunity to thank the entity most responsible for me being here tonite. that person was there at the beginning. in good times and in bad. in sickness and in health. richer and poorer. oh yes, friends, bloggers, countrymen, lend me your ears. picture it:
chicago, illinois 2004. a young graduate student sits alone in her room talking aloud to herself saying: 'no man thinks more highly than i do of the bloggism, as well as abilities, of the very worthy gentlemen who address the world through blogging. but different men often see the same subject in different lights; and, therefore, i hope it will not be thought disrespectful to those gentlemen if, entertaining as i do opinions of a character very opposite to theirs, i shall blog forth my sentiments freely and without reserve.' and that person listened. oh yes, that being listened as that young, sexy, single graduate student claimed, 'i shall go on to the end, i shall blog in france, i shall blog on the seas and oceans, i shall blog with growing confidence and growing strength. ' this spirit heard that young, charming woman's claims that she would blog from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city. that through blogging she will be able to speed up that day when all of god's children, black men and white men, jews and gentiles, protestants and catholics would have nothing to fear but fear itself. and that this woman would continue to blog until the end. because old bloggers never die, they just fade away.

yes, yes, y'all. i want to publicly thank that one person who was always there, and always will be. and that person is no one other than...

myself.

i want to thank myself for being the most clever muthafucka on the internet blogging today. i am a star, i'm a star, i'm a star. i'm a big, bright, shining star. if you smell something funky it must be me because i am hot shit. i am solely responsible for the hotness you read on fecundmellow every fucking day. i know you read my posts and wonder, 'how in the hell does she spit hot fiyah like everyday? how does she consistently moisturize the situation all the while preserving the sexy?' well, i'm here to tell you, folks. like pimpin', blogging ain't easy, but it sho' is fun. and those who can't blog, read blogs like mine.

and to the haters, i just want to say that i ain't trippin on you. what can you expect when you're on top? you know? it's like napoleon. when he was the king, you know, people were constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the roman empire. so, it's history repeating itself all over again.

and finally, to my fans, i just wanna say, summer m. promises to keep rocking and rollin' and writing better blog entries.

thank me!!! and goodnight. **


it was at that point that summer m. turned and saw the humanity critic standing next to bernard and karsh. she looked at the jumbotron and saw that it was not her name in lights, but his. she turned back to the crowd and said very calmly, "well fuck y'all muthafuckas then." and left the stage.

though the media couldn't get in touch with fecundmellow, miss jessi spoke on behalf of summer m., "summer m. says and i quote, 'fuck y'all ungrateful bitches. i quit.'"

the internet-star studded event airs on upn at 1am tuesday morning.


three things:
1) o week is postponed 'til next week.

2) ask fecundmellow answers will be posted tomorrow, thus no star jones project this week.

3) notes:
**zoolander: derek zoolander (ben stiller) accepts a vh1 fashion award when in actuality hansel (owen wilson) has won. this prompts his retirement, and is the basis for the rest of the film. if you haven't seen this movie, you should. not because it's a great movie (though it is), but because i refer to it way too much on this blog for you not to have seen it by now.

**if you're not up on your famous speeches, i swiped quotes from the following: big willy shakespeare: julius caesar; sophia patrillo: golden girls; patrick henry: give me liberty or give me death; winston churchill: we shall fight them on the beaches; martin luther king: i have a dream; fdr: first inaugural address; gen. macarthur: old soldiers never die...;and, of course, boogie nights.



language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

14 Comments:

Blogger Morcy said...

So, did you win?

5/9/05 01:59  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

I was so embarrassed by the whole thing. But as usual she does not listen to me. One of the winners asked if I would leave in light of this ridiculous display, but I can't I am addicted to summer and frankly, the truth is, I love the sexual harassment.

5/9/05 07:59  
Blogger summer m. said...

@morcy: nah. i didn't win. so that's the true part.

5/9/05 08:45  
Blogger Nick Davis said...

That was me up in the audience - way up in the bleachers - screaming, "More Star! Bring on O Week! Give it to us, Summer!", but the jumbotron - the original ungrateful bitch - drowned me out.

P.S. The Star Jones project, btw, is running a close second to the Start a Rumors as my favorite fecundmellow feature. You got her number like her number has never been gotten before.

P.P.S. Just the list of your cited sources is hilarious in and of itself. Shakespeare followed by Sophia?? Genius.

5/9/05 08:51  
Blogger Morcy said...

I only now reading Nick's comment realise that by "O week" you didn't mean, you know O Week. I couldn't figure out why you'd care about orientation for undergrads, and then I couldn't believe that the school had postponed it a full week, even for Katrina.

5/9/05 14:41  
Blogger Lee said...

Oh well. I checked out Humanity Critic, and he's definitely funny (the current birthday antics report, especially), but I didn't once spit my coffee on the screen. You got robbed.

But at least you took it in stride, from the sound of things. :>

5/9/05 17:00  
Blogger Jdid said...

that summer , she's so hot right now. lol

oh and this is the greatest quote from saf "i'm the muhfuckin' toni morrison of this goddamn blogosphere."

damn seems like personality chicks run this mutha! y'all like charlie's angels except with common sense and degrees an ish lol

6/9/05 00:14  
Blogger Miss Jessi said...

fuck Em Summer, you still the funniest beyoth I know!

6/9/05 07:06  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

damn.. i thought u would have won. who the fuck reads blogs.. not me.. and i have to stop by this bitch regularly.. your commentary on any particular thing is discussed in social circles outside the realm you dwell in.. like we discuss the crazy antics of 'being bobby brown' and shit. so that's astounding you didn't win. i just knew you were going to win.. but then again, i would have bet my life that bush was going to lose.. what the hell do i know?

anyway.. i saw the questions asked.. on the previous blog, yep, i gotta come back for the answers. do you regret giving the invitation to be asked anything?

keep bloggin

6/9/05 10:49  
Blogger summer m. said...

@anonymous: thanx so much. i really appreciate your comment. i'm glad to know i have readers like you.

6/9/05 11:36  
Blogger Safire said...

First of all, you was robbed.

Second, you don't even know how fucking honored I am to be included in one of your rumors. For real, I'm feeling like the lightweight shit right now.

Third, I think I might actually be the Toni Morrison of this black blogging shit.

Fourth. Naw, I'm just kidding. I do what I do, what I can, but I guess I'll have to step it up for next year's awards.

Uhhh...did I mention that you was robbed? I'm with Lee, HC is live, but your shit is (I have to say) cleverer.

6/9/05 20:12  
Blogger Bernard Bradshaw said...

Summer,
I was bewildered because I too believe you were robbed and thought your name should have been on the jumbotron.

You are a witty mama.

Bernard Bradshaw

7/9/05 04:05  
Blogger summer m. said...

@bernard: thanx so much.

the fact that i've made your list of blogs is enough for me, though.

7/9/05 08:05  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

From the Fecundmellow newscenter I'm Harold Gibson.

After she received mucho mucho amore from her many many fans, Summer McDonald has officially requested a recount.

"Sumthin don't add up she is reported to have said, I don't think they counted all the votes yet."

"I will not back down, I am the joint."

She was quoted as saying before being whisked off by security agents at the Black Weblog Headquarters.

Upon hearing this news, some of her favorite targets, Whitney, Bobby, Star and soon to be seared Oprah exclaimed
a collective

"Hell to the Naw."

Harold Gibson, unpaid, sexually harassed intern reporting.

7/9/05 17:47  

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