Monday, August 29, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

just a note: this week's rumor almost got nixed because of oprah. it looks like i'm going to have to have a week-long series on the divine ms. o very, very soon. with a recent comment left on an old entry, along with some material anne sent me, and a conversation with rrrrachel, i have a whole lot of hating to do. so if this rumor is kinda wack, that's why.

don't say i didn't warn you.

who shot ya? west answers the gay rumors with gunshots
though he may soon be under questioning, kanye west's manhood is no longer in question. during the early morning of august 28th, death row records founder, suge knight was shot in the leg during a pre-mtv music awards party hosted by kanye west. though the miami police department has yet to name any suspects, fecundmellow may know someone the miami p.d. might want to interview.

kanye west.

that's right, kanye west. fecundmellow caught up with ye after the mtv awards. he graciously answered some of our questions. a few of his responses led us to believe that maybe the college dropout knows more about knight's shooting than he initially let on.

check out the question and answer session below:

fecundmellow: can i touch your jaw?
kw: is your name john legend?

fecundmellow: sorry. no, i'm not john legend. i'm just ordinary people.
kw: then don't be asking me questions like that.

fecundmellow: my bad. no need to get all upset. tell me about [gets cut off by kanye]
kw: did you see me and sugar ray on stage? we kilt it. and my outfit was fierce, right?

fecundmellow: sugar ray?
kw: oh, my bad. i meant jamie foxx.

fecundmellow: yeah, you guys were great. i really liked how he chanted 'get down, girl. go 'head get down' while you rapped. you guys have a lot of...chemistry. so, tell me about the pre-vma's party you had.
kw: i don't wanna. [crosses arms. shakes head.]

fecundmellow: you 'don't wanna'? how old are you, kanye?
kw: this many. [tells me he's 27 by using his fingers.]

fecundmellow: so what do you 'wanna' talk about?
kw: i wanna talk about my new album, late registration which drops tomorrow (aug. 30). and i also want to tell your readers that i'm not gay. i'm sick of you telling people i'm gay.

fecundmellow: i didn't tell anyone you were gay.
kw: did too!

fecundmellow: did not!
kw: did too!

fecundmellow: kanye, i didn't say that you were gay. i did, however, imply that your dick was.
kw: oh ok. well, after my party, no one's gonna think i'm gay anymore.

fecundmellow: why is that?
kw: because suge knight got shot at my party.

fecundmellow: so someone getting shot at your party squashes all kanye's got the gay rumors?
kw: hell yeah. i mean. it's like this...if what i said about gay being the exact opposite of hip hop is true, then niggas getting shot is synonymous with hip hop. therefore, suge knight getting shot at my party made my party--and thus me--a synonym for hip hop. that means that i'm hip hop. which is the opposite of gay. because gay is the opposite of hip hop. so since i'm hip hop, i'm the opposite of gay. so that makes me not gay. or straight.

fecundmellow: i don't know if those are exactly analogous, but i'll roll with it. so do you have any idea who might've shot suge knight?
kw: i ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke nigga.

fecundmellow: what?
kw: oh, my bad. that was just a line from my latest single, 'gold digger.' it's on my new album, late registration which drops tomorrow. what were you saying?

fecundmellow: i was asking if you knew who shot suge knight.
kw: no. but whoever did must be really manly.

fecundmellow: really manly? how's that?
kw: because you gotta be a real g to shoot a nigga. and suge knight? you gotta have balls to try to shoot suge knight. and a really big penis, too. one that you use on women often.

fecundmellow: so, whoever hit suge knight is a sort of straight shooter hunh, kanye?
kw: you got it, girlfriend. but listen, i gotta go. don't forget to buy common's album be, in stores now. and john legend's album get lifted.

fecundmellow: please tell john john [john legend] i said hello.
kw: i'll tell him at pilates class tonight.

[west returns] kw: ay yo. don't print that last quote.
fecundmellow: it'll stay between me and you.
kw: thanx fam.

fecundmellow: you mean fam, not like actual fam, but fam the way black (and) gay people use it, right? [zoolander swipe].
kw: stop calling me gay!!

fecundmellow: dude, i didn't call you gay. do you know how hard it's been not to call you kangay west for this entire interview?
kw: fuck you, bitch.

fecundmellow: not even if we both were straight...[yells] so kanye, are diamonds really a girl's best friend?

unfortunately, the rest of this interview cannot be published.

you have three more days to vote as many times as you want for
your favorite black weblogs.

next week: o week. like oprah. not like orientation.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Blogger Harold Gibson said...

Hi, Unpaid Intern Harold Gibson here, upon hearing about Fecundmellow's interaction with his man Kanye, John Legend called and asked me to tell Fecundmellow (wtf was he thinking, I am a voicemail?)Kangay is not gay and if she kept the rumor going her other bench riding knee was in serious jeopardy. In fact he told me he hoped that he would not have "suge knight" her knee.

My first thought was to call 911 to protect the gem of the blog and former queen of the beats but then I remembered that the woman is cheap ass slave driver who don't pay no interns, so she betta watch out cause John Legend, is out to get her. Y'all betta tell her.

29/8/05 17:25  
Blogger a. said...

I can't wait to see what you write about Oprah!

29/8/05 21:17  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

@harold gibson...hahahaha!!!!!!

This is off the hook!!!!! I love it, this is some funny shit!!!


29/8/05 22:26  
Blogger Lee said...

I caught Kanye on Charlie Rose's show last night, and he actually said that his use of the word "bitch" in a song was in reference to a female dog. Now, I don't wanna get Suge Knighted or anything, so I'll stay out of this "Kangay" debate, but I do want to say that this sounded an awful lot like something I would have told my mom when I was 11.

29/8/05 23:19  
Blogger Phoenix said...

i think this is one of my favorite posts of yours ever. maybe it's because i actually saw something that you're referring to so i really 'get' this funny piece. anyway, the big o. is my girl, but i'm also looking forward to what you're going to say about her.


30/8/05 00:33  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been away for a while, but I'm so glad that I made it back to the blog for this one. You know how much I hate that nigga Ye, and how gay I think Legend is.

30/8/05 03:15  
Blogger Miss Jessi said...

This was not wack... Kangay... oh, I'm still laughin... can't wait to read about Mammy-- I mean Oprah

30/8/05 08:13  
Blogger Jdid said...

oh man and you said this was wack? please girl you straight kilt, killeded, killillililleded (ah hell you know what i mean) it! lol

an please do no less than straight bring it to oprah, ignore her mindless minions.

30/8/05 09:25  
Blogger mwilli said...

very funny.

30/8/05 10:43  
Blogger Lee said...

Sorry to be the public broadcasting nerd here, but I thought I should share that Kanye's and Common's moms were on Chicago's NPR morning show today. Kanye's mother--Dr. West--said she was worried what people would think when he called his album "College Dropout," but is very proud of his success. Common's mother--Dr. Hynes-- said she disliked the "b word," but was trying to learn, and realized that "we did things our parents didn't like when we were young, too." Anyway, they both sounded like very nice ladies, so let me be clear: I am making fun of the fact that NPR decided to interview their moms. Not making fun of the moms themselves.

30/8/05 22:01  
Blogger solitaire said...

publish the rest of the interview, dangit! You have me laughing here like a fool!

31/8/05 00:00  
Blogger summer m. said...

@lee: yeah, i heard that. in fact, i'm gonna post a link on today's blog for others to listen to it.

though part of me takes issue with their stance on whether or not they'd change certain things in hip hop (i.e. the portrayal of women), another part of me doesn't wanna hear hip hop that doesn't glorify violence, isn't homophobic and misogynistic.

31/8/05 07:49  
Blogger summer m. said...

@solitaire: maybe one day i'll publish what happened.

31/8/05 07:55  

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