ring the bell, skool's in sucka!!!!



summer m. presents: how to succeed in college without really trying
part 1 of 2

ahhh. it's that time of year again. the summer is nearly over, and folks are heading back to skool. soon enough, parents will load up the minivan and drag their 18 year olds to state u. what a wonderful time it is. frisbee on the quad; tailgating; jello wrestling; breakfast clubs**. it seems like yesterday when i was begging to get out of fort wheezy to begin my college career in west lafayette, indiana. has it really been 7 years since 1998?

now that i'm in super college, i've a different view on the college experience. last quarter, i was a course assistant; i'll be again one this autumn. though i'm still pretty green to this whole teaching thing, i think i've seen my share of undergraduate papers, and have therefore heard a gang of excuses concerning why a paper could not be turned in on time.

thus, i've decided to use my powers for good. i'm a publik skool kid. if i've learned anything in this life, it's how to cut corners and still come out on top. and if i hate anything more than liars, it's bad liars. when papers are due, students get really "creative" with their excuses. to protect the innocent, i won't reveal any paper extension pleas here. i will say that it's very sad to hear folks from such privileged backgrounds come up with the most rudimentary excuses i've ever heard. so, in an effort to help undergraduates who get caught up at a kegger or two, i've outlined some ways to get a paper extension without really asking for a paper extension. i'm not saying these ideas are great, but they're definitely less wack than what you all seem to come up with.

• turn in the wrong paper. you quickly realize that you'll have papers due for several classes around the same time. odds are, if you have three papers, you prolly got maybe 1-2 of the three done. so here's what you do. make two copies of the paper you got done, and turn one of those in to the prof whose paper you didn't finish. here's a lil secret: profs don't immediately sit down and read your papers. this gives you two options: 1) you can tell the prof you realized you accidentally turned in the wrong paper for his class; or 2) you can wait for the prof to discover you turned in an essay on aristotle's poetics instead of a paper on 1984. by the time he/she figures it out, you should have his/her paper done.
  
• email your paper...but not really. with technology the way it is, some profs are willing to take electronic versions of your paper. now like i said above, odds are you have the paper partially finished. what you want to do is make your attachment look like it wasn't converted entirely. you know, like you used a pc and your prof uses a mac. all you have to do is add all those crazy characters in between actual words that might appear in your paper. if you submit the paper via email, odds are the prof will contact you via email. this might take a few hours. he/she doesn't know that you check your email every 5 minutes. so just take a few hours and hit 'em back with a legitimate paper. that said, some profs have some technological savvy. but you have to use your advantages. you're younger and prolly know more about comps than he/she does. if you feel that the 'conversion plan' doesn't work, you could always attach a fake virus or something.
  
• tell the truth. if you don't have the shit done, just say you don't have it done. but be confident about that isht. come to class on time looking well rested. don't punk out to these profs. just be like, 'yo, i had a lot of shit due this week. i ain't finish it, i'll have it done by___.' if the prof is reasonable--and i'm not saying that he/she will be, but there is a possibility--you'll prolly just get away with a minor grade deduction. that way, you don't have to come up with a bullshit ass excuse, and i don't have to read it. because frankly, i don't really care that your girlfriend broke up with you during midterms. i have my own lack of girlfriend problems to think about.

what i've outlined above is just a framework for how you might get a paper extension. take this basic plan and mold it to fit your needs. you don't really need to be blatant with your lie. in fact, you don't really need to lie at all. i have a great degree of respect for honesty. but if you're gonna lie, make sure your lie is simple and as close to the truth as possible.


**breakfast clubs are events at bars. such events consist of dressing up in crazy costumes (if you choose) getting up at the butt crack of dawn, and having donuts and screwdrivers at the bar. this way, by the time the football game rolls around, you'll be nice and drunk. if i recall correctly, bc's generally start around 6 am. this gives you about 4 hours to sleep and sober up a little since bars close at 2. at least, that's how they do it in boilermaker country, home of the nude olympcs.
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in other skool-related news (sorta), please check out eight forty-eight's (a show on wbez.org, chicago public radio) interview kanye and common's mamas here.
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and finally, today is the last day to vote for the black weblog awards.

lemme clarify: i've been publicizing this isht on my blog not because i want to win, but because i think it's a great idea. i have no plans to win. in fact, i have an entry idea for the day after the winners are announced, and it's contingent upon me losing.