Wednesday, August 31, 2005

ring the bell, skool's in sucka!!!!

summer m. presents: how to succeed in college without really trying
part 1 of 2

ahhh. it's that time of year again. the summer is nearly over, and folks are heading back to skool. soon enough, parents will load up the minivan and drag their 18 year olds to state u. what a wonderful time it is. frisbee on the quad; tailgating; jello wrestling; breakfast clubs**. it seems like yesterday when i was begging to get out of fort wheezy to begin my college career in west lafayette, indiana. has it really been 7 years since 1998?

now that i'm in super college, i've a different view on the college experience. last quarter, i was a course assistant; i'll be again one this autumn. though i'm still pretty green to this whole teaching thing, i think i've seen my share of undergraduate papers, and have therefore heard a gang of excuses concerning why a paper could not be turned in on time.

thus, i've decided to use my powers for good. i'm a publik skool kid. if i've learned anything in this life, it's how to cut corners and still come out on top. and if i hate anything more than liars, it's bad liars. when papers are due, students get really "creative" with their excuses. to protect the innocent, i won't reveal any paper extension pleas here. i will say that it's very sad to hear folks from such privileged backgrounds come up with the most rudimentary excuses i've ever heard. so, in an effort to help undergraduates who get caught up at a kegger or two, i've outlined some ways to get a paper extension without really asking for a paper extension. i'm not saying these ideas are great, but they're definitely less wack than what you all seem to come up with.
  • turn in the wrong paper. you quickly realize that you'll have papers due for several classes around the same time. odds are, if you have three papers, you prolly got maybe 1-2 of the three done. so here's what you do. make two copies of the paper you got done, and turn one of those in to the prof whose paper you didn't finish. here's a lil secret: profs don't immediately sit down and read your papers. this gives you two options: 1) you can tell the prof you realized you accidentally turned in the wrong paper for his class; or 2) you can wait for the prof to discover you turned in an essay on aristotle's poetics instead of a paper on 1984. by the time he/she figures it out, you should have his/her paper done.
  • email your paper...but not really. with technology the way it is, some profs are willing to take electronic versions of your paper. now like i said above, odds are you have the paper partially finished. what you want to do is make your attachment look like it wasn't converted entirely. you know, like you used a pc and your prof uses a mac. all you have to do is add all those crazy characters in between actual words that might appear in your paper. if you submit the paper via email, odds are the prof will contact you via email. this might take a few hours. he/she doesn't know that you check your email every 5 minutes. so just take a few hours and hit 'em back with a legitimate paper. that said, some profs have some technological savvy. but you have to use your advantages. you're younger and prolly know more about comps than he/she does. if you feel that the 'conversion plan' doesn't work, you could always attach a fake virus or something.
  • tell the truth. if you don't have the shit done, just say you don't have it done. but be confident about that isht. come to class on time looking well rested. don't punk out to these profs. just be like, 'yo, i had a lot of shit due this week. i ain't finish it, i'll have it done by___.' if the prof is reasonable--and i'm not saying that he/she will be, but there is a possibility--you'll prolly just get away with a minor grade deduction. that way, you don't have to come up with a bullshit ass excuse, and i don't have to read it. because frankly, i don't really care that your girlfriend broke up with you during midterms. i have my own lack of girlfriend problems to think about.
what i've outlined above is just a framework for how you might get a paper extension. take this basic plan and mold it to fit your needs. you don't really need to be blatant with your lie. in fact, you don't really need to lie at all. i have a great degree of respect for honesty. but if you're gonna lie, make sure your lie is simple and as close to the truth as possible.

**breakfast clubs are events at bars. such events consist of dressing up in crazy costumes (if you choose) getting up at the butt crack of dawn, and having donuts and screwdrivers at the bar. this way, by the time the football game rolls around, you'll be nice and drunk. if i recall correctly, bc's generally start around 6 am. this gives you about 4 hours to sleep and sober up a little since bars close at 2. at least, that's how they do it in boilermaker country, home of the nude olympcs.
in other skool-related news (sorta), please check out eight forty-eight's (a show on, chicago public radio) interview kanye and common's mamas here.
and finally, today is the last day to vote for the black weblog awards.

lemme clarify: i've been publicizing this isht on my blog not because i want to win, but because i think it's a great idea. i have no plans to win. in fact, i have an entry idea for the day after the winners are announced, and it's contingent upon me losing.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Blogger Jdid said...

why didnt ya say that before i voted for ya . cha!

love the excuses by the way

31/8/05 13:37  
Blogger Morcy said...

your third point about turning shit in late is right on. That's what I'd always do. Of course, now I'm fucked, but whatever.

I'm over it. Who wants to finish my paper on Hedwig and the Angry Inch?

31/8/05 14:25  
Blogger Lee said...

The first idea's brilliant. The other way to approach that would be to tell the first prof that the other prof got the paper for first prof's class, and already handed it back, and you were worried that you might have given first prof the paper for other prof. Elaborate, but adds a layer of credibility that "I just realized," might not. Even better, you could scribble a big question mark in red ink on the first page of the "late" paper, indicating that other prof had looked at it and was puzzled.

If only there were jobs in lying. (Other than public office).

By the way, I knew you weren't telling people who to vote for. Also, I love the fact that you have a rejection speech planned for the day of the awards. I hope we don't get to see it.

31/8/05 14:45  
Blogger Amadeo said...

See that's what I'm saying help the people. On another note if you want to get out of jury duty just go the next day and tell them that you had the wrong date they'll stamp your joint and throw you back in the pond.

31/8/05 15:16  
Blogger Lee said...

Shit, I didn't even think of that. Might come in handy, seeing as how I got called to Christmas jury service by the Federal District Scrooge.

31/8/05 19:04  
Blogger summer m. said...

@jdid: my bad. i'm sure enough people voted for someone else to cancel out your vote.

@morcy: i know, right? if no one woulda told me i could turn shit in late, i'd prolly still be on schedule.

@lee: i just wanted to clarify. i would really hate for folks to think i actually believe i could win. i also liked you additions. that's going to get some student a grrrreat extension.

@amadeo: i didn't know that. if ever i get out of jury duty using that, i'ma buy you some coffee or something.

@lee: i think amadeo's suggestion will def take care of scrooge.

31/8/05 20:04  
Blogger RoRicka said...

oh my damn if i would have been smart enough to think of turning in another paper and pretending like it was for that class i would be so much more sane. so so SO much more sane right now.

31/8/05 21:49  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the smart thing to do is if you know the deadline is coming why not approach the prof about an extension a few days before the due date and make up some lame excuse why it couldn't be done??? I turned in a paper late once and my prof looked at me and started laughing, and it was the truth my dog did eat the disk, I wasn't kidding!!!!


31/8/05 22:46  
Blogger Lee said...

Blu--Yeah, that would be smart, but the fact is, when you're a college student you think you can party and drink your brains away until the day before the paper's due, and then take a nap and miraculously produce a solid paper between midnight and five am the day before it's due. You're usually wrong, but college is a learning experience, right?

Anyway, I just remembered the best excuse anyone ever gave me for a late paper. This guy e-mailed me to say, and I quote:

I have my response paper completed, however, my dick messed up and I
couldnt save it so that I could print it out. So now I have to get the
original copy off my computer. If at all possible, I can send you an
e-mail with an attachment of my paper or copy and paste it, or I can give
you a printed version some time today. I will be in class today.

Obviously, I saved this e-mail for posterity's sake. The best thing about it is how it gets worse and worse (you'll copy and paste it, will you?) because of the initial typo.

31/8/05 23:23  
Blogger Morcy said...

man... lee.. there is some poetry to that situation. remember, it's not just drugs and rock 'n' roll that get kids to blow deadlines...

for me, these days, i have to think it's just a question of being so darn daunting. every paper stares at me and laffs. so it becomes late. profs better not be readin this... summer, have you been blabbing?

1/9/05 02:15  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

I teach in a seminary. I love students. And we know that students are notorious liars. They even lie in the seminary. Tell the truth. It is true that we (the professors, instructors, adjuncts etc.) don't love you, (we need you there is a difference) remember God don't like ugly. But if you must make up a story, remember there are mean dudes like me who will check up on you, just cuz I ain't got s**t else to do. (not!) One student told me she couldn't get the paper in because her ass was locked up. I checked she lied. I will see her in class next week.

1/9/05 02:54  
Blogger Clay said...

thanks for the tips! school starts 9/7 for me and ill be doing 15 credits!!!

1/9/05 07:48  
Blogger Nick Davis said...

Worst, true story ever involving extension requests, as played out in a friend's class:

Student: I have to miss the final paper & exam, because my grandmother died.
Professor: I'm so sorry, take whatever time you need, and get in touch when you're back.

[Much time goes by. Professor calls student back to office]

Professor: I thought you were going to get back in touch once you'd returned?
Student, bawling, looking awful: I know - but this time my grandmother really died!

Girlfriend's grandmother was as healthy as the day she was born when she lied, and then dropped dead unexpectedly, and of course the girl will now live the rest of her life believing that she karmically killed her grandmother by using her as an excuse to not finish a course. Do not try this at home.

Now I'm'a go read that Kanye interview again, because it's so freaking hilarious, and it's not really that far off from his tone and attitude in that damned cover story in Time.

1/9/05 08:43  
Anonymous studpoet said...


please don't give these idiots (i.e. first year students) any more options on how to get out of doing shit. they are pros at'll see! more and more millinials coming into higher ed they won't give excuses they'll just hand you their cell phone and their momma will be on the line telling you that their baby couldn't possibly do your paper and their other classes so you will give idiot child an extension because the bill for college is on them and they can get you fired. is starting.


1/9/05 09:30  
Blogger summer m. said...

@blu: that sounds too much like right for a college student to do.

@lee: i agree with morcy, that shit is poetic. i hope you gave him the extension. and an A for the paper no matter what he turned in.

@harold: locked up? that's funny.

@cane: at fecundmellow, we're here to help.

@nick: i have never used death as an excuse, because i was sure something like that would happen to me.

@stud: but see, if they used my excuses, you'd never have to talk to their mamas.

1/9/05 09:57  
Anonymous rocksteady said...

ah, brings back all those dishonest memories. i've used all those excuses and one more that is just to henious to mention. i had a terrible tendency of handing in work late as an undergrad. i never really felt bad about it because i was doing the work - i wasn't one of these plagiarizing mofos. with one prof, who i really liked and respected and took several classes with, it got to the point where he expected me to turn ish in late. a few days before the paper was due i'd ask about getting some more time and he'd say that was cool. just get it done.

1/9/05 10:08  
Blogger summer m. said...

@rocksteady--i know you wanna tell me the really heinous one....c'mon, i won't tell anybody else.

1/9/05 16:58  

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