(start a rumor monday...)

afternoon edition

just a game?

it seems the video game gestapo has its work cut out for them. just days after it was discovered that rockstar games, grand theft auto: san andreas contained a hidden, explicit sex scene, officials have decided to crack down on the video game industry with all of its might.

grand theft auto-- a game that allows players to take up the persona of a hit-man seeking to expand his drug empire by killing cops, stealing cars, doing favors for gangs, and beating up women for no apparent reason-- has caused the industry to become the object of much closer (and perhaps long overdue) scrutiny as of late. along with changing the game's rating from "m" for mature to "a" for adults only, gta was removed from store shelves, and even banned in australia; other gamemakers have already begun to feel the wrath.

"the murder and the theft, that wasn't so bad," an official said. "but the sex? that's where we draw the line." as a result, officials have temporarily hired players (mostly young males between the ages of 11-17) to uncover similar scenes in other games. "though the public has been very cooperative in tipping us off as to what games might have such sex scenes, in order for our investigation to be thorough, we have to start from the ground up. from pong to sonic the hedgehog, no game will go unplayed. we intend to uncover and analyze these alleged sex scenes thoroughly," he continued.

the investigation has already yielded big rewards. ms. pac-man, a game popular in the early 80s, included a two-dimensional yellow semi-circle eating pellets and fruits and being chased by ghosts. the "fruit-themed" stages got faster and more difficult as players got further into the game. ms. pac-man was much more popular than her husband-predecessor, pac-man; then, much of ms. pac-man's success was simply considered an unforseen benefit of the feminist movement, but now officials have uncovered what they think really sparked the game's popularity.

allegedly, after one has gotten through the "double-fruit" stages and scored 1,000,000 points, the player is rewarded by receiving a code that allows him/her to access ms. pac-man being "gang-banged" by her ghost nemeses, blinky, pinky, inky, and clyde. "we were appalled at the discovery," the official stated. "so much so that we had to watch it several times to make sure we were actually witnessing a lewd act. you'd be shocked at what's under those [the ghosts'] sheets. and i'll tell you another thing: those fruits aren't used just to keep track of which level you've reached."

the shock didn't in there for investigators. soon after discovering the hidden scene in atari's ms. pac-man, gamers turned their attention to nintendo and some of their early games. with the help of the "expert gamers", officials soon saw what was described as a "most disturbing" scene in duck hunt, the "b-side" of the original super mario bros. game that came with the nintendo game system.

presumably a hunting game where the player (along with his/her faithful dog) shoot 1 or 2 ducks with an electronic gun, the game apparently also contains bestiality. upon successfully shooting 500 ducks in a row, the animated dog rises out of the thick bush (no pun intended. well, sort of) and motions for the player to advance. by unloading the remaining "bullets" in the electronic gun until it shoots no more, players are quickly shown a screen that contains what seems to be a person in hunting gear in what officials are calling a "submissive" position. though the official we spoke to refused to provide details, he did conclude, "what that hunter trained that dog to do with those ducks is one of the most vile things i have ever witnessed."

finally, gamers discovered a secret warp-zone in super mario bros. 2, which showed what would be termed colloquially as an "orgy" between mario, luigi, toad, and princess toadstool. what's more, there's apparently a different back story than the one provided at the beginning of the game.

for one skilled enough to make it through all the levels with at least 2 lives left, he/she is told what really happened in the kingdom. it seems that the evil king koopa is in actuality a pimp, and the princess toadstool was his biggest bread winner. a conflict between the plumbers and the king started when mario fell in love with princess toadstool while she performed the act of fellatio on him. he then refused to pay for the services, and abducted her. king koopa's men found the princess and physically harmed mario badly, leaving him for dead. with the help of his brother luigi, mario recovered and pledged not only to rescue his true love from the hands of evil king koopa, but to seek revenge for the ass-whooping he got in the process. thus, as a celebratory gesture for "saving" the princess, she "thanks" all participants in her rescue by initiating group sex. to see this, players must push the "a" button after the princess asks if there are some pipes you [the player] would like to lay.

incidentally, it was also uncovered that princess toadstool's first name is peach.