the sum and saf half part 2
Racism 101: A Primer for White College Kids (and the Black Kids That Want to Protest)
For those of you who don’t live in the Chicago area or don’t check the local news, several weeks ago some undergraduates from the U of C got into a bit if trouble for throwing what they referred to as a “Straight Thuggin’ Ghetto” party. This party, organized by three white males and one biracial (symptomatic) female, required the attendees to wear baggy clothing, listen to “gangsta rap,” and consume malt beverages from paper bags. Pictures were taken at this event and briefly posted on the internet. News of this spread very quickly, and all of a sudden, Neo negroes and white liberals all over the South Side were in an uproar. Local newscasters were interviewing confused-ass colored kids that are about as adept at distinguishing between “culture” and “blackness” as they are at telling Paul Wall and Mike Jones apart (have you tried that shit?). All the while, school-wide email apologies were sent to the student body bleached with white guilt and “my best friend is black” rhetoric.
Upon reviewing the “evidence,” we at the Sum-n-Saf Half found this “Straight Thuggin’ Ghetto” Party slightly hilarious and relatively harmless. Why? Because these silly ass white mutha fuckas don’t know shit about a thug or ghetto-ass parties. But we suburb hoes having watched countless hours of BET Uncut, Supa Soul Sundays on MTV2, and matriculated through 80%-black high schools in two of the blackest mu’ fucking states in the country (IN and OH, nigga), know a nigged out party when we see one. Because we possess such incredible credentials, and a sincere desire to help clueless white kids up their ghetto credibility-slash-authenticity (cause we are race women in this beyotch), we have compiled a list of guidelines with which you can gauge whether or not your party is truly “straight thuggin’” and/ or “ghetto.” As the patron saint of ghetto – The Game – would say, hate it or love it, niggas!
- The following must be present at your party: strippers w/ stretch marks and/or bullet scars, somebody’s kid sleep on the couch or underneath the coats on so-and-so’s bed, wing-dings, onion dip, and Kool-Aid (red or purple, and yes, these are flavors).
- The party starts a good three hours after you said it would; not because nobody has showed up yet, but because you haven’t picked up the speakers, the chicken, and you had to go back under the dryer twice at the salon.
- Somebody’s baby-mama or –daddy will show up in that beyotch UNINVITED, talking mad shit about y’all’s “support issues.”
- The host’s or hostess’s mama will come out of the back room to hit the blunt.
- The weed is in bowls on the coffee table instead of pretzels and chips.
- There are 5-10 gaps between songs because you only have a 1-disc player.
- It’s mad adult nigs packed in that beyotch, but actually the party is in celebration Lil’ Man’s 8th birthday.
- Somebody is barbecuing some part of a pig in a barrel somewhere on the property. And there are no napkins, but mad barbecue sauce for the slathering.
- Spades, bid whist, or casino is being played...on a collapsible card table... for money.
- In the tin garbage can full of ice in the kitchen, the following beverages are on chill: Henn, ‘Ronas, MGD’s, Alize, and ‘Notiq.
- Somebody is mixing up a potent-ass batch of Thug Passion (the better to date rape yo' baby cousin with...).
- Tupac will be played in a consecutive hour block, in memory of.
- A fight will break out over some scuffed shoes or something equally as dumb.
- One of the following movies is on the television, on mute: Menace, Baby Boy, Soul Plane, Friday, Half-Baked, or Lion King (Trick luh the kids).
- The police will show up at the party…in a paddy wagon. And someone will be escorted out…in handcuffs.
- Somebody will get shot. And possibly killed.
Until next time, this has been the sum and saf half.
language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison