Friday, November 18, 2005

the sum and saf half part 2
Racism 101: A Primer for White College Kids (and the Black Kids That Want to Protest)

For those of you who don’t live in the Chicago area or don’t check the local news, several weeks ago some undergraduates from the U of C got into a bit if trouble for throwing what they referred to as a “Straight Thuggin’ Ghetto” party. This party, organized by three white males and one biracial (symptomatic) female, required the attendees to wear baggy clothing, listen to “gangsta rap,” and consume malt beverages from paper bags. Pictures were taken at this event and briefly posted on the internet. News of this spread very quickly, and all of a sudden, Neo negroes and white liberals all over the South Side were in an uproar. Local newscasters were interviewing confused-ass colored kids that are about as adept at distinguishing between “culture” and “blackness” as they are at telling Paul Wall and Mike Jones apart (have you tried that shit?). All the while, school-wide email apologies were sent to the student body bleached with white guilt and “my best friend is black” rhetoric.

Upon reviewing the “evidence,” we at the Sum-n-Saf Half found this “Straight Thuggin’ Ghetto” Party slightly hilarious and relatively harmless. Why? Because these silly ass white mutha fuckas don’t know shit about a thug or ghetto-ass parties. But we suburb hoes having watched countless hours of BET Uncut, Supa Soul Sundays on MTV2, and matriculated through 80%-black high schools in two of the blackest mu’ fucking states in the country (IN and OH, nigga), know a nigged out party when we see one. Because we possess such incredible credentials, and a sincere desire to help clueless white kids up their ghetto credibility-slash-authenticity (cause we are race women in this beyotch), we have compiled a list of guidelines with which you can gauge whether or not your party is truly “straight thuggin’” and/ or “ghetto.” As the patron saint of ghetto – The Game – would say, hate it or love it, niggas!

  • The following must be present at your party: strippers w/ stretch marks and/or bullet scars, somebody’s kid sleep on the couch or underneath the coats on so-and-so’s bed, wing-dings, onion dip, and Kool-Aid (red or purple, and yes, these are flavors).
  • The party starts a good three hours after you said it would; not because nobody has showed up yet, but because you haven’t picked up the speakers, the chicken, and you had to go back under the dryer twice at the salon.
  • Somebody’s baby-mama or –daddy will show up in that beyotch UNINVITED, talking mad shit about y’all’s “support issues.”
  • The host’s or hostess’s mama will come out of the back room to hit the blunt.
  • The weed is in bowls on the coffee table instead of pretzels and chips.
  • There are 5-10 gaps between songs because you only have a 1-disc player.
  • It’s mad adult nigs packed in that beyotch, but actually the party is in celebration Lil’ Man’s 8th birthday.
  • Somebody is barbecuing some part of a pig in a barrel somewhere on the property. And there are no napkins, but mad barbecue sauce for the slathering.
  • Spades, bid whist, or casino is being played...on a collapsible card table... for money.
  • In the tin garbage can full of ice in the kitchen, the following beverages are on chill: Henn, ‘Ronas, MGD’s, Alize, and ‘Notiq.
  • Somebody is mixing up a potent-ass batch of Thug Passion (the better to date rape yo' baby cousin with...).
  • Tupac will be played in a consecutive hour block, in memory of.
  • A fight will break out over some scuffed shoes or something equally as dumb.
  • One of the following movies is on the television, on mute: Menace, Baby Boy, Soul Plane, Friday, Half-Baked, or Lion King (Trick luh the kids).
  • The police will show up at the party…in a paddy wagon. And someone will be escorted out…in handcuffs.
  • Somebody will get shot. And possibly killed.
Finally, if this is a real life, genuine let me offend the black kids on my campus kind of party, we at sum and saf would appreciate it if you did it up southern university (like region, not like the skool) style and donned blackface and an omega psi phi t-shirt, and stepped and fetched yo' ass all the way to the beer bong section of your frat house. Thank you.

Until next time, this has been the sum and saf half.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Blogger solitaire said...

You crazy for posting that made me want to straight vomit.

18/11/05 09:43  
Blogger jb said...

very chappellian: irony may be lost on the masses.

18/11/05 11:27  
Blogger Morcy said...

what's "casino"?

19/11/05 14:20  
Blogger Phoenix said...

hot. shitty. mess.

(but the negroid movie on silent is the skrait truth.)

19/11/05 16:12  
Blogger Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

aww hell noll

20/11/05 00:38  
Blogger **RPM** said...

I'm amazed. Utterly amazed at how much people do NOT think about the long-term effects of the moronic things they do.

20/11/05 08:29  
Anonymous studpoet said...


other movies that might be played: Scarface (cause you know niggaz luh them some gangsta shit) or Belly

the funny thing is they are just portraying the music they buy. plenty of 50 an 'nem. i mean they are just coonin our minstrel show. black folks hate it when a mirror is put up to our faces. it just reminds me of the argument about white kids saying "nigga". okay so we don't want them to do it but our music (that they buy by the tons) spits it over and over again.

this situation just shows how ignorant they are of us but how ignorant we are of ourselves.

interesting reading: Everything But the Burden: What White People are taking from Black Culture by Greg Tate

21/11/05 11:12  
Blogger Phoenix said...

true dat stud poet. for word.

21/11/05 12:08  
Blogger Amadeo said...

I would love to see those kids at party in the real Ghetto...that's my idea of fun.

21/11/05 14:53  
Blogger summer m. said...

@stud: hell yeah. saf and i were just discussing today how black people perform's more than just hip hop. everbody performs blackness. we're cariactures of ourselves, if you will. so essentially, we ain't even black folk no more. as a result, saf and i have decided to bring back the term colored, because the only significance of your skin tone is that it's got a lil mo' color than others. the significance stops there.

in fact, i was telling some folks the other day how i didn't really think a lot of the colored students had the right to be that upset, because it seemed to me that the same kids trying to protest are learning how to perform blackness from the same sources the white kids are: mtv, bet, etc. and if you've witnessed the colored undergrads at said university, you feel me.


@amadeo: that's a genius idea(r).

21/11/05 16:16  
Blogger Alii said...

that shit is just too irritating to even protest...

21/11/05 17:26  
Blogger Bill Jones, Jr said...

This would be a lot funnier if it weren't so damned true!! And I've been telling folks for years that Red is a color.

You are funny.

22/11/05 11:26  
Anonymous yac brotha #1 said...

great all-around post from my favorite blogstars.

Don't forget pistol whippin Black ass chauncy

I'ma throw a straight thuggin party with a twist. I'll call it fear and loathing from the midle ages(till today)

Music for the mayhem provided by
Frank Sinatra, Cab Calloway, and the IRA bagpipe and flute ensemble also playing live will be Guttfried Wagner, with vocals by Robb Zombie.

party favors: blankets of small pox and white hoods

50/50 raffle for Osama's head and Hallie Berry

ordervs: ecstacy and oxycotton, beverages: pabst blue ribbon, jager bombs and scotch

screening such classics as Black hawk Down, Birth of a nation and homeboys in outerspace the complete collection as well as
a history channel WWII marathon

for all you conquistadors we've got pin the tail on the infidel

quiz junkie? name that mass murderer

chemist?, pyro?, deathwish?
there's a methlab in the back and somebody's cooking something smells like crack. Oh that's bernard giving free base 101 class in the den (grad credit available)

I'm on some original thug
like my man fred Doug,
stuck a slug up in elmer fudd what!

I'm Out

22/11/05 15:06  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it's a shame you couldn't send this anon to the student body on the tail end of that apology email that was sent. you are so freakin smart, both of you.


23/11/05 13:17  

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