Thursday, November 03, 2005

(you get a two-fer this weekend. if you're looking for this weekend's essay scroll down. it's just below this long ass post.)


tearing the roof off the suck: sum and saf hatin' on b.e.t. 25 strong
if you haven't noticed already, saf and i find each other hilarious. i don't think i'm all that funny, but saf thinks i am; saf doesn't think she's all that funny, but i think she is. after thoroughly entertaining ourselves for 12 hours in the car, we decided that we are fly enough to have our own reality tv show. while we work on a pilot, check out our hating on the b.e.t. 25th anniversary special. (warning, this is loooooong):

Red carpet question: Weren't you glad to see that AJ finally cut those Goddamn draids?

Why do black people keep thanking Bob Johnson?

With a name like Paige Johnson, odds are you'll suffer from Hilary Banks Syndrome.

And is Bob Johnson's son lightweight retarded?

HICKORY, MISSISSIPPI (Bob Johnson’s birthplace)? Is that near Nutbush?

How long will Donnie Simpson be able to skate through life on a handsome black man pass?

Note to Queen Latifah: Saying "he is fine" after you mention a man every time you give away an award or introduce someone indicates you're gay. Get your Sheryl Swoopes on, homie. If your career plummets, it won't be because of coming out. More than likely, it'll be because of Taxi and Beauty Shop.

Why do you get the feeling that Arsenio, Howard Hewett, and Hammer did some "pre-bonding" before their segment, if you get my drift?

How much did Hammer have to hock to rock a fur to the awards?

Did Arsenio literally turn into Rev. Brown from “Coming to America”?

And, uh, why did Arsenio know so much about Johnny gill? Did they fuck?

New Edition still got it!!! The same moves, that is.


Are they ever going to fire Ronnie's uncle and get a real choreographer?

Ummm...Are we supposed to attach some special significance to the fact that Johnny was the only member of NE with a pink tie?

And while we're on NE, why can't they get a Vegas act? Celine Dion’s old ass got one.

BOBBY BERESFORD BROWN!!!! Whitney was right. That nigga is DA KANG OF R&B!!!! And he dedicated that shit to RICK JAMES, BITCH!!!!!


While we’re on the subject, who re-taught the nigga Bobby the words to his songs (Y’all remember the nigga’s memory lapses on ‘Being Bobby Brown)?

Ronnie and Ralph as Bobby's back-up dancers? Will they be doing that shit when the nigga releases the new album? Cause NE's career really ain't shit right around now.

Black people will give a tribute to a dead person to the point that you wish that mu’ fucka was a white supremacist.


Don't you love that you can get black people crunk no matter how expensive their outfits are?

Sidebar: Black commercials are more offensive than burning crosses at this point.

Who wrote Whitney's spoken word piece? Jill Scott, Alicia Keys, or T-Boz (all respected R&B poetesses)?

And why, when she had three, four years to prepare to return to the spotlight, couldn't Whitney get her weave right?

On the subject of Whitney's headwear, didn't you lightweight expect her to step out on stage with that wig and visor from the show?

Will Steve Harvey please quit recycling those goddamn Kings of Comedy jokes? BTW, L-U-F-F-A ain't L-O-O-F-A, nigga.

"Luther brought out the best and the blackest in all of us" - Wouldn't this be a more appropriate statement to make about R. Kelly?

Were they shouting out fat Luther or skinny Luther? 'Cause those are two distinct niggas.

How come John Legend sounds like the cowardly lion when he sings (and I mean the term "sings" very loosely)? Put 'em uuhhhhppp.

Why did John Legend have on those "make me look like a serious musician" glasses?

And doesn't John Legend's mini-Fred Doug make you mad when you KNOW he is not that conscious nig?

Honorary black man: Bill Clinton.

"Teen Summit served as a father to a lot of us kids" - How fucking tragic is that shit (comma) yo?

R. Kelly, Marion Berry, Rodney “drunk ass” King: black people are too damn forgiving.

Why is this mu’ fucka R. Kelly still not in jail? DAMN!!!

And is this muhfucka really a positive model of black manhood? I mean, dick shit aside, isn't this nigga partially responsible for a large degree of our cultural retardation?

And what is this nigga's inability to properly conjugate his Goddamn verbs? That shit really pisses me off?

Is it just me, or do you love it when Snoop has the ponytails?

And aren't you glad he left that dried-out nigga Bishop Don Juan in the audience?

And don't you think Bob Johnson specially requested that he leave that embarrassment to the race in the audience?

Let's give these niggas props for remembering that Wu-Tang was a force to be reckoned with in the late nineties, even if they've gone to shit now.

And was I the only one that jumped up when I saw that Mary and Meth was about to do the ol' skool classic?

And am I the only mu' fucka that loves it that Mary still busts that same step from "You Remind Me," no matter what?

Why doesn't Leon ever age?

Ummm...Black women are going to hold church when Mary sings, no matter the occasion.

Gospel music makes you realize that Jesus is just the ultimate white patriarch, with all that talk of fathers and children and benevolence and shit.

No matter how hard you pray neither Kirk Franklin nor Donnie McClurkin will go to hell fast enough.

Other than Usher, Diddy, and the two above mentioned men, no gay shit is allowed at the black awards.

Bobby Jones should be included on that gay shit list, too.

And Arsenio…


And Johnny Gill…

And didn't Kevin Liles and Puffy look happier together than Puffy and Kim Porter?

Why did Puffy's suit look like somebody's granny's velvet sofa? Is it just me, or is he blurring the lines between metro and homo at this juncture?

Back to Kirk Franklin: Will someone please tell me what this dwarf-ass nigga does besides bother the hell outta me?

Wait. Maybe that's the point.

No matter how she changes her weave, doesn't Yolanda Adams always end up looking like Predator in drag?

Ummm...Was Whitney transfixed by the beauty of Shirley Caesar's voice, or was that just the crack?

Just when you thought Fantasia Barrino was alone, Serena Williams tries to read a teleprompter.

"Or get back like Beale and Camille..." Who the fuck is Beale?

After all that shit she talked on the Proactiv commercial, why is Crucial Keys skin still looking like shit (comma) yo?

Does anyone else search for random white people in the crowd?

Why didn't they highlight "BET Uncut"? Why is that shit treated like a dirty little secret, when it's probably the highest rated show on the network?

And why didn't they talk about the essential demise of news programming on the network, so that all we're left with is video shows, "Comic View," and "Bobby
Jones Gospel," like all black people need is to laugh, shake their asses, and get their Jesus on?

HOW TO HOLD A BLACK AWARDS SHOW (6 EASY STEPS):
1) Call-and-response whenever the opportunity presents itself.
2) A gospel segment.
3) Make sure Leon is in attendance.
4) Although there are chairs, no one can/will be allowed to sit down.
5) Mary J. Blige will perform (Don't confuse this with the gospel segment; Mary just gets the holy ghost).
6) There will be a tribute because somebody's black ass did die at some point or another.


**this has also been posted on saf's blog. feel free to comment here or there.
**if anyone needs cliff's notes (for white people), lemme know.


language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

13 Comments:

Blogger a. said...

Damn you for writing my thoughts on Johnson's son and Arsenio! I'll have to come back after work to read the rest of this post! Damn...

4/11/05 06:11  
Blogger Miss Jessi said...

I love you for this Summer... I almost laughed out loud in my training class.

4/11/05 07:15  
Anonymous studpoet said...

lmao

see i was gonna do a tribute to BET 25 but you guys beat me to it. nevermind that...this was genius...but you must add somewhere:

"shake yo ass fa tha lord"

cause how you gonna go from bitches and blunts to "praise jesus" in the same breath?

black folks...we really are fucked up huh?

4/11/05 08:32  
Blogger fuss said...

It's a little early I know, but I am thankful that I (a) can't afford cable and (b) don't listen to R&B anymore. That way I don't have to be mad that I sat through this or sad that I missed it. Of course, if I had the chance to watch it with y'all's silly asses, I might be singing a different tune, cuz this:

Sidebar: Black commercials are more offensive than burning crosses at this point.

is hilarious! May I ask what commercial(s) you were referring to? I always fast forward through the commercials during "Everybody Hates Chris."

4/11/05 09:58  
Blogger RoRicka said...

i don't even get bet but i could imagine all of this in remarkable detail.

mary j. catches more spirit than anyone i've ever seen in life.

great post!

4/11/05 11:36  
Blogger nahmix said...

straight comedy and great recap!

4/11/05 11:39  
Blogger Nick Davis said...

Yolanda Adams as the Predator, Fat Luther/Skinny Luther, and "John Legend's mini Fred Doug" are what sent me the most.

They should release a DVD of the show with y'all two on commentary.

4/11/05 13:00  
Blogger Safire said...

I feel so warm and fuzzy 'cause all of Nick's favorite punchlines are mine (smile). I must still have it, even after my hiatus.

4/11/05 17:49  
Blogger Morcy said...

Good to see NE is back in action. I think that instead of getting them a Vegas show, the whole East Coast Family ought to be able to basically run the Tropicana five nights a week, and twice on Sundays. You could sort of have the night get progressively bluer from "Iesha" to start and, I dunno, "Do Me" to close it out?

4/11/05 21:17  
Blogger Hollambeeee said...

this shit is soooooooooooooooo great...

i went to undergrad with mr stephens...ehem...i mean...mr legend...

and well...he really wasn't all that "conscious"...so yeah...i feel u

4/11/05 23:32  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

As u would may dear mentor

"Teen Summit served as a father to a lot of us kids" - How fucking tragic is that shit (comma) yo?

*dead*

5/11/05 17:56  
Blogger Safire said...

Ummm, can I just say that I love the fact that Moacir invoked that illest of early nineties' musical cliques - the East Coast Family. I mean, I was waiting for that album from Da Whyte Boyz with bated fucking breath.

6/11/05 19:03  
Blogger solitaire said...

"With a name like Paige Johnson, odds are you'll suffer from Hilary Banks Syndrome."

She does... I read an interview on her... chick was wearin' hazel contact lenses and riding hosses. I'm all for Black folks upping the ante but HOSSES?

Um, alright.

SNOBBERY is what I say!! I'll bet her spoiled ass has never ate fried chacken! (YEAH, I spelled it CHACKEN!)

12/11/05 06:47  

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