Wednesday, November 09, 2005

sum and saf strike again.

yeah, it's the (comma) yo kids hitting you up again with a collabo blog. last week, we presented a retrospective of the bet 25 soiree. this week, we take aim at neo-soul nigs.

"How to tell if You're a Corny Neo-Soul Nig."

You had an ankh-shaped wedding cake.

“Orange Moon” was your wedding song.

You call your kids your “seeds.”

You call your girl your “earth” or your “rib.”

You call your grandparents your ancestors.

You cover for failing to pay the electric bill by lighting candles for so-called ceremonial purposes.

You have matching thumb rings.

You can’t get an erection without the following: 1) Sade playing in the background; 2) aroma therapy candles; 3) pouring libations; and 4) chanting to Eshu.

When it rains, you dance and when you dance, it rains.

Dudes- you call other dudes “Sun” (and not on some Mobb Deep shit).

You call females “Queen” (on some Halle Berry shit).

You own Jill Scott’s poetry book, all of her albums, a concert tee shirt, and you’re cryogenically sealed your flyer to her after party.

You own the following CDs: N’Dambi, Ledisi, Adriana Evans, Lizz Fields, Julie Dexter, Donnie, Ursula Rucker, Yahzarah, Geno “Junebugg” Young. (self-roast. sum owns all this shit.)

You have an ongoing monologue about the various dimensions of your personal energy.

Your mood corresponds with the weather, like a mood ring and shit.

Dudes – you wear Jesus sandals.

And you put your ‘locks in assorted, intricate up-dos.

If you don’t live near a beach and have a cowrie shell anywhere in your vicinity…

Carol’s Daughter in your internet bookmarks.

You went to Philly just to see Black Lilly.

You’ve never been to Philly, but you know what and when Black Lilly is. (self-roast.**)

You own the DVD of “Sankofa: The Director’s Cut.”

Your dog is named Zion.

Your son is named Zion.

Your daughter is named Zion.

You changed your name from Leroy to Zion.

You call your house Zion.

You claim not to use credit cards because you don’t want to be too tightly bound to the materialism of this plane of existence, yet, the truth is your parents fucked your credit up by putting their phone line in your name back in the day.

You seriously considered majoring in black studies in undergrad.

You wear a gele, but carry a Louis Vuitton purse (that’s that neo).

You used to date a pussy poet.

You are a pussy poet (punany lives!).

You paid to see the Def Poetry Jam show at a theatre.

Georgia Me is your homegirl (like you went to high school with her and shit).

You believe in astrology (Librans and Pisceans are funny as fuck, for the record).

You know all the principles of Kwanzaa.

You celebrate Kwanzaa.

You act like you like your meaningful Kwanzaa gifts.

But you still take Christmas gifts like a mu’ fucka (again, that’s that neo).

You buy your signature fragrance from the dashiki nig on the corner.

You wear dashikis.

You have more than one.

You’re an Okayplayer charter member.

You actually started a discussion board on that bitch.

Your screen name on that bitch might be something “Thirdeyeblind,” “Euphratesthugniggas” (if you catch this, you’re live) and “Femadrift.”

You fuck with “Electric Circus” harder than anybody (including Lonnie Sr.) should.

You and your girls have a book club. (self roast)

You slept on the sidewalk to get tickets to the Sugar Water Festival.

You deny owning Lil’ Kim’s “Hard Core.”

Moreover, you deny that “Queen Bitch” is the shit (“I am a diamond cluster hustler/queen bitch/supreme bitch…”).

You have a talking drum in your apartment.

And one of those thumb piano things.

You had henna tattooing at your baby shower (and your ass ain’t Indian…dots not feathers).

You had a nude photo shoot when you were pregnant because you were your “most beautifullest.”

Your four-year-old has locks.

Kindred are your relationship role model.

You’ve got six kids because you kept on trying to track your cycle with the fucking moon.

You’re divorcing neo to marry soul.

You don't need nick's notes to get this shit.

feel free to comment here, or on saf's blog.

until next time, this has been the sum and saf half (the tentative title of our forthcoming reality tv show.)

**self-roast: basically, to call yourself on your shit.

also, i'm going to the bay this weekend, so no essay. and shit will prolly be late next week.

it's ok. i know you'll miss me.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Blogger Hollambeeee said...

this shit was straight high-larious...

knowing what and when Black Lilly is without having been to philly? COMEDY...although i lived in philly for seven years and actually never made it to BL...craziness cuz it's my kinda thing...

jesus sandals? nuff said...lmao

good stuff...

10/11/05 00:35  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

Sum mo neo-soul stuff. You broke as 74 Gran Torino yet yo azz travel everywhere on the week-end. Go to concerts, eat out all da time. Then you be wonderin how come I aint got no money.

10/11/05 09:19  
Blogger Amadeo said...

How many of these have to apply...personally a few of them apply to me, but I used to crack on people saying they're "so neo-soul"...and while I can get an erection without Sade assisting...she does help. Sagittarius fools!!!!!!!!

10/11/05 12:39  
Anonymous studpoet said...

okay seriously...i'm done with you and saf! lmao...why why why do i know (and love) some people that fit into this.

and why have i done some of this in the past.


just to add one to your list:

*you use the word "overstand" in your conversations

10/11/05 12:46  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Overstand that niggas that use that corny shit usually don't understand a Goddamn thing (comma) yo. I know because I used to fuck with a EMG whose favorite word was "overstand." Yet, she couldn't UNDERstand why we had to stop being friends when she went after my boyfriend.

10/11/05 13:12  
Blogger Alii said...

but have fun in my old city- kiss berkeley for me. if you get lost call me- and ill get you loster(im bad with directions). ride trolleys, eat clam chowda in a bread bowl, stop by the castro and take a bunch of pics.

10/11/05 15:43  
Blogger Phoenix said...

1) do not under any circumstances call alii for directions. never, ever, inyourwholeentirelife. unless of course, you're looking to go sightseeing to new and interesting places, but if you really want to get somewhere, please leave her out of the equation.

2) you done fount me out. i don't even want to talk about how much of that list is/used to be about me...



10/11/05 16:29  
Blogger Jdid said...

i love that. thing is i probably know about 10 girls who would fit this category lol

have fun in the bay

11/11/05 05:17  
Blogger Miss Jessi said...

@Saf-- Now now, Cuz... no need to revisit the past... we can both OVERstand that the EMG beyotch was CRAZY and didn't UNDERstand that she had her own self esteem issues... while she was talking about me... let me stop, I'm going to get angry again...

And she got on my nerves when she said that shit too... I never got it, really.

11/11/05 08:51  
Blogger solitaire said...

STOP! STOP!!! I couldn't stop laughing!! I laughed at the dancing when it rains/rains when you dance thing! LMAO!

12/11/05 06:39  
Blogger The Humanity Critic said...

So Even though I play Sade when "bumping uglies", but that's only because the brief thought of Sade gets me excited like a schoolboy with a new catchers mit..

13/11/05 14:01  
Anonymous tiffany said...

"You believe in astrology (Librans and Pisceans are funny as fuck, for the record)." lol...true

lol great post.

13/11/05 22:07  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

libras are freaky deaky freaks, well the ones i know-ex boyfriend whom i had to break up with because of too much sex, best friend who is always talking about sexcapades, moms who just is a very loud freak (yes i am traumatized by this), husband who is a semi-retired freak. i can't seem to get away from the libras.

13/11/05 22:54  
Blogger chase said...

am i the only person in the world that hates kindred? lol

13/11/05 23:16  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Calling your woman your Earth has nothing to do with being Neo Soul--thats disrespectful. Have you ever heard of the Five Perventers (The Nation of God and Earths)?

14/11/05 14:47  
Blogger Phoenix said...

Anon--Did you really mean to call them the Five Perventers? If so, that shit is mad funny.

14/11/05 21:01  
Blogger summer m. said...

@anon: oh wow.

sometimes it's hard not going there when i get comments like this.

lemme just say: nah. i ain't never heard of no five perventers. but i have heard of the five percenters. and since i'm not in the mood to be your poor righteous teacher, you shall remain deaf and blind unless someone else wants to explain how silly your comment is.

14/11/05 23:54  
Blogger Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

you don't understand how ridiculously funny you are!! the nerve of you-got me over here hyperventilating, spitting up stuff, laughing all

18/11/05 23:30  

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