this weekend's essay: sometimes i feel so...insecure.



(yes, after a brief hiatus, the essay is back.)

this is a picture of me in my glasses. (duh.) posting it on the internet for the world to see is pretty major. (not really.) my (lack of) eyesight has to be the thing i am most sensitive about. and heretofore (i likes that word), unless i knew you really well you would not see me in my specs.

i've worn glasses since iono when. prolly first grade; maybe earlier. as i got older my eyesight got progressively worse. and since my parents were convinced i wasn't responsible enough--and because they ain't really have the money--i rocked glasses the majority of the time until i was a freshman in high skool. since kids can be assholes mimicking their parents' mean ways, the thickness of my glasses (along with my terrible fashion sense, my "tomboyish" walk, my "nerdiness", et cetera, et cetera) caused me to be the butt of cracks (huh, that's funny) and jokes esp. in middle skool. the glasses, along with the fact that my mother is a milf (folks say she's more beautifuller in person, but you can see her here, here, here, or here.) made me super sensitive about my looks, etc.

in many ways, i still view myself as that 14 year old girl with thick ass glasses. and, i've come to realize i've given a pair of plastic frames a lot of power. my lenses are so expensive that i thought it'd be cheaper in the long run to go ahead and get lasik. since my insurance covers some of the surgery, i thought i'd give it a shot this last fall. i went to my initial appointment with a lot of hope, and wondered what it might be like to wake up in the morning able to see clearly. but my perscription is too high. i don't have enough tissue in my eye to withstand the surgery. the closest i could get to experiencing 20/20 vision without glasses and/or contact lenses is having contacts surgically placed in my eyes--a more risky and mad expensive alternative. on my way back home from my first (and last) lasik consultation, i called my mom to tell her the disappointing news. as i told her what the doctor said (he was so apologetic that he couldn't help me), i almost cried. and you and i both know i haven't shed a tear since mufasa died.

since then, i've thought a lot about how my glasses have shaped me as a person. i'm not exactly sure how they've done such work, but i get the sense that if i would've had lasik, something in my person might've changed. so though it's still a hassle to put on my glasses if, say, i'm talking on the phone at night (yes, i have to be able to see to hear well), i'm sort of glad i still gotta rock my specs.

so...i'm gonna get over this insecurity. i'm working on it. if i'm going to believe that my thick ass glasses are just a part of me, i ain't gonna be ashamed of that part of me. though i backed out from walking around oakland in them (i said i was gonna, then changed my mind), putting a picture of bespectacled me on my blog is a start. like i said, i only pull out the joints if i know you well, and since most of y'all are strangers, i think this is a step towards getting over this bullshit.

besides, it's about damn time i quit viewing myself as an awkward teen. despite my quest for eternal youth by staying in skool and rocking novelty t-shirts on the daily (say me say many money/say me say many many many), i'm damn near a grown ass woman. and i ain't got the time to be worried about whether or not someone is gonna comment on how alarmingly thick my glasses are. yes, they are thick enough to make my rather large eyes look pretty small. i got it. i'm (getting) over it.

anyway, thanx for listening. as i said, this is the return of this weekend's essay. if you have an insecurity or two--physical or otherwise--you wanna share in the comments section. feel free.

have a great weekend.

and i'm out.