Friday, December 02, 2005

this weekend's essay: sometimes i feel so...insecure.



(yes, after a brief hiatus, the essay is back.)

this is a picture of me in my glasses. (duh.) posting it on the internet for the world to see is pretty major. (not really.) my (lack of) eyesight has to be the thing i am most sensitive about. and heretofore (i likes that word), unless i knew you really well you would not see me in my specs.

i've worn glasses since iono when. prolly first grade; maybe earlier. as i got older my eyesight got progressively worse. and since my parents were convinced i wasn't responsible enough--and because they ain't really have the money--i rocked glasses the majority of the time until i was a freshman in high skool. since kids can be assholes mimicking their parents' mean ways, the thickness of my glasses (along with my terrible fashion sense, my "tomboyish" walk, my "nerdiness", et cetera, et cetera) caused me to be the butt of cracks (huh, that's funny) and jokes esp. in middle skool. the glasses, along with the fact that my mother is a milf (folks say she's more beautifuller in person, but you can see her here, here, here, or here.) made me super sensitive about my looks, etc.

in many ways, i still view myself as that 14 year old girl with thick ass glasses. and, i've come to realize i've given a pair of plastic frames a lot of power. my lenses are so expensive that i thought it'd be cheaper in the long run to go ahead and get lasik. since my insurance covers some of the surgery, i thought i'd give it a shot this last fall. i went to my initial appointment with a lot of hope, and wondered what it might be like to wake up in the morning able to see clearly. but my perscription is too high. i don't have enough tissue in my eye to withstand the surgery. the closest i could get to experiencing 20/20 vision without glasses and/or contact lenses is having contacts surgically placed in my eyes--a more risky and mad expensive alternative. on my way back home from my first (and last) lasik consultation, i called my mom to tell her the disappointing news. as i told her what the doctor said (he was so apologetic that he couldn't help me), i almost cried. and you and i both know i haven't shed a tear since mufasa died.

since then, i've thought a lot about how my glasses have shaped me as a person. i'm not exactly sure how they've done such work, but i get the sense that if i would've had lasik, something in my person might've changed. so though it's still a hassle to put on my glasses if, say, i'm talking on the phone at night (yes, i have to be able to see to hear well), i'm sort of glad i still gotta rock my specs.

so...i'm gonna get over this insecurity. i'm working on it. if i'm going to believe that my thick ass glasses are just a part of me, i ain't gonna be ashamed of that part of me. though i backed out from walking around oakland in them (i said i was gonna, then changed my mind), putting a picture of bespectacled me on my blog is a start. like i said, i only pull out the joints if i know you well, and since most of y'all are strangers, i think this is a step towards getting over this bullshit.

besides, it's about damn time i quit viewing myself as an awkward teen. despite my quest for eternal youth by staying in skool and rocking novelty t-shirts on the daily (say me say many money/say me say many many many), i'm damn near a grown ass woman. and i ain't got the time to be worried about whether or not someone is gonna comment on how alarmingly thick my glasses are. yes, they are thick enough to make my rather large eyes look pretty small. i got it. i'm (getting) over it.

anyway, thanx for listening. as i said, this is the return of this weekend's essay. if you have an insecurity or two--physical or otherwise--you wanna share in the comments section. feel free.

have a great weekend.

and i'm out.


language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

18 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you look GREAT in glasses! Smart is hot to anyone who matters. I still think of myself as a twelve year old girl on the outside too --- I don't know what makes that go away. Maybe having babies? I've often thought that this is a good rule of thumb for finding a mate if you're as superficial as you (and I) are: find that hot guy/girl who used to be a fat/awkward-in-any-serious-way kid. They have all the benefits of the personality chick plus looks. You obviously fall splendidly into this category yourself.

My biggest insecurity is easily my chest. I used to not care when I was a little tomboy, but now as I get older it really bothers me. I fight the feeling (and say fuck you to the arrested development men of the world) by never, ever, ever wearing a bra, regardless of season or occasion, and by generally flirting my ass off. (a personality chick strikes again!)

signed,
itty bitty titty committee, pres.
(aka, rrrr)

2/12/05 10:12  
Blogger Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2/12/05 12:19  
Blogger Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2/12/05 12:23  
Blogger Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2/12/05 12:35  
Blogger Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

and great pic!!

2/12/05 12:40  
Blogger Phoenix said...

u still be cute.

2/12/05 12:42  
Blogger summer m. said...

@rrr: thanx, homie.

@kili: grassy ass.

@phoenix: merci.

@all: i 'preciate y'all getting on your christina aguilera for a hot second. hopefully this lil post will show the folk i ain't all hater...but more important, maybe, just maybe, one or two readers might rock their glasses in public, if you can dig it.

2/12/05 13:24  
Blogger fuss said...

I, too, am blind, and got mad amounts of shit for my thick ass glasses coming up, so I feel you. But I am getting some new glasses soon and I have vowed to actually wear them. Like in public and shit. I am hoping they're make me look even cooler and easily identify me as a hipster!

2/12/05 13:48  
Blogger Miss Jessi said...

I have worn my glasses since 3rd grade... I have an astimatism... and like you can't even hear well unless I can see... the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is reach for my glasses... I tried the contacts thing, and I actually hate them... too much work...

I've become one with my glasses. I used to get teased about my glasses, and broke quite a few pair, being the tomboy I was, but I didn't care.. I was actually a very confident kid... I just used to tell those little bastards that they were just mad cause my mother loved me enough to make sure I could see better than they could...

Adulthood is when I lost that confidence. I would have to say right now my biggest insecurity would have to be my weight... it fluctuates so much that I have 2 wardrobes... one in a 14 and one in a 10... I wish I could stay at the latter, but I always seem to end up at the other... no diet ever works for me... I don't know.. maybe I'll be alright...

2/12/05 14:35  
Blogger Alii said...

Yeah im blind too- wear a -8 prescription, pretty soon i'm going to have to wear contacts and glasses. I also have astigmatism. I got my first pair of glasses out the 10 dollar bin at the eye store when i was 6. They were gigantic turtoise shell glasses with scrath resitant plastic. in other words- i feel you.

as for my insecurity- i have a gap in my front teeth. So all my pics from elementary through high school, my mouth is never open. People in middle school used to complain about braces, but i wanted them. We couldnt afford them. Now im 'less' self conscious about it but i'm still working on it.

and i like your glasses

2/12/05 14:44  
Blogger Hollambeeee said...

you look great to me...so don't worry bout assholes...

rock them specs...lookin' all scholarly n stuff...

:o)

2/12/05 17:52  
Blogger Dr. S said...

Dude! Your glasses are super fly. I have worn glasses since age 8 and am up to a -9.5 and -7.75 prescription (just went to the eye doctor yesterday) as well as mad astigmatism *and* a prism (or whatever--basically, I'll see double if they don't do my lenses right). Make sure you get that super-light plastic with the anti-reflection coating; I think that helps with the thickness. But I feel you on the "why are my eyes so small?" point. I also fantasize that I could do more fun things with eye makeup if it weren't for the frames.

My physical insecurity used to be that two of my toes on my left foot are webbed together, and I used to feel funny about people looking at them. But now I figure, most people have normal feet, and I've got this bad ass cool pair of toes. So there.

Wear your glasses proud!

3/12/05 13:22  
Blogger Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

wheeee Summer: Sorry for multi-deletions. (keyboard issues )

i love this post. you're so vulnerable and honest. and gyrlies is glasses are hawtness.

i won't go into my long, exhausting past, but i will say, that i was the butt of jokey-jokes-for various reasons....

sorta glad i deleted my previous post because i had the chance to think about what my biggest insecurity was: my biggest one would be my overall perceived ackwardness, resulting in castatrophic shyness in certain social circles and being mislabeled because of it. physically: geez (oftentimes i think my butt is too big for body)--residual from the the 'donkey butt' jokes...teens can be such assholes

3/12/05 14:43  
Blogger Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

wheeee Summer: Sorry for multi-deletions. (keyboard issues )

i love this post. you're so vulnerable and honest. and gyrlies is glasses are hawtness.

i won't go into my long, exhausting past, but i will say, that i was the butt of jokey-jokes-for various reasons....

sorta glad i deleted my previous post because i had the chance to think about what my biggest insecurity was: my biggest one would be my overall perceived ackwardness, resulting in castatrophic shyness in certain social circles and being mislabeled because of it. physically: geez (oftentimes i think my butt is too big for body)--residual from the the 'donkey butt' jokes...teens can be such assholes

3/12/05 14:44  
Blogger RoRicka said...

le hotness.

4/12/05 11:57  
Blogger Safire said...

I have the glasses thing, for sure, but my greatest insecurity has always been (and I fear will always be) my weight. I shot up from a girl's 14 to a junior's size 6 in the fourth grade, from 85 to 120 lbs. My grandmother, wonderful woman that she is, marked this mortifying event by saying (as we shopped for my fourth grade promotion outfit) "We just can't seem to find anything to fit your fat butt." That did it. From that point on, in my mind, I was a fat girl. And twenty years later, I still feel like that same fat, awkward girl that doesn't look right in anything she wears and couldn't possibly be attractive to anyone. Hence, the term personality chick. That's been my steez since I was in seventh grade and realized that even though I was fat and four-eyed, I was smarter than the average and lightweight funny. That's what I've traded on, and what I continue to trade on. But I do hope that one day I can come to some sort of real acceptance of my body type. Cause I can diet from now until, but I am still going to be a hippy beyotch. I might as well embrace that shit.

4/12/05 12:16  
Blogger Dr. S said...

saf, I saw your picture back when you posted the one of you and your boyfriend, and I thought you looked amazing too. you and summer are both beautiful!

4/12/05 14:33  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Summer you are beautiful, intelligent, and very funny!! Your glasses make you look original because they are a part of you and as much a hindrance they can be, they still are you....the whole you. You are and forever will be "the shit"!!!

I most insecure about the scar on my left left. I got it doing the tango with a semi when I lived in STL and I am also grateful for it because that is all I have. Other then that I am alright, average, but alright.

You are special Summer..never ever change!!

BLU

4/12/05 18:52  

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