Thursday, November 24, 2005

loving her: a letter

part 1 of 2: "she's gotta find a lover"
*corny alert*


it has been just over a week since we last bade goodbye. you put on your best face, shining brightly, as i, more than melancholy, refused to look you in the eye as i rode away. it was cowardly of me, but you already know this. i'd apologize, but you understand me so well that saying, "i'm sorry, i must return to my current lover," would be a mere insult. because of this, and other things, i love you.

though her decembers and drastic mood changes from sweltering hot to tempestuous and windy cold have made me strong, they have also made me bitter. and, i find, it is near time for me to bid adieu to the one who has been my love for nearly four years. oh how wonderfully exciting she used to seem to me. worldy, yet as comfortable and recognizable as home. big, expansive, yet always welcoming. with her, i became a woman. she took me, young, virid, and immature, and molded my malleable self into someone who can now only desire you. i will forever care for her. i often recall how, before i knew her, i would yearn to be with her, to walk amongst her grandness. and now, she is fully known, so familiar, only sporadically exciting. that once blazing flame has now been diminished to slowly smoldering embers, which will never extinguish, but also never burn in the same way again. and that thought--which had for some time been nothing more than a tenuous conclusion-- is now an indubitable truth, because i have gazed upon and dwelt inside of you.

love at first encounter, is it not? forgive me for being so forward, but i sense we fit like an old pair of slippers, and because of this i feel more than compelled to return to you--soon, and permanently. we had the loveliest four-day affair, no? and she knows this. benumbing was her greeting when i returned. tall, dark, frigid she towered above me. and at that moment, i knew all the reasons why i love her, and all the reasons why i must leave. you? you are small and dense, intimate, predictable...with periodic earth-shaking suprises to remind those who adore you that you will sharply wake them when your magnificence has gone unrecognized. shaking them back into consciousness from tranquiling pacific dreams. telling us: walk up and down my hills, dwell in my valleys, yell from the edge of my cliffs, cleanse yourself with the waves that brush my edges.

and though i've only encountered you once and briefly, i am firm in my faith that, once you see them, you will love me more for my faults. my occasional unhappiness, my polyamorous ways. the fact that you already know and accept my lust-filled affection for harlem is more than amazing. you know that my love for her, though intense and exciting, by no means compares to my love for you. my appetite for her is impermanent, fleeting. she is "watercolor," she, "washes off."** a mistress, she is, but my desire to eternally grow with and through you is as evident as the fact that the words i write will never eloquently articulate how deeply and passionately i feel for you. but i know you know this already. and i know you love me anyway.

oh san francisco, oh berkeley, oh oakland. how i think of you often and always. i will return to you soon--fully. all of me. i promise.

summer m.

*hey harold, tell that string playing quartet they can shut the fuck up now.*

**anne sexton, "for my lover returning to his wife"

so there you have it, folks. i love not a woman, but an area of california. so much so that i wrote it the (most) corniest love letter i could muster in about 20 minutes. thank you for your attention. you may now return to your regularly scheduled program.

coming soon part 2: why i love the bay, california.

next week: the hateration is back, playa.

have a good turkey day.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Blogger a. said...

cali? really? I would like to see San Fransisco and San Diego.

Nice piece.

23/11/05 20:42  
Blogger Dr. S said...

Right on. I love some bookstores the way you love this city.

23/11/05 22:03  
Blogger Phoenix said...

lovely. beautiful. magnificent. i'm just glad the bay is polyamorous cuz i gots to get in my good lovin' too. i still don't think you shoulda told the truf at the end. you coulda just let people think it was really a womyn. at least for a little bit. nonetheless, the letter idea was brilliant. good job.


23/11/05 23:05  
Blogger Alii said...

damn summer-im so glad you liked it. They must have took you to the nice places-...okay let me stop.
I'll return soon and if you ever need a place to stay while i'm there- and dont mind a couch- youre welcome to stay in my house in berkeley.

Happy thanksgiving,

24/11/05 00:33  
Anonymous carol said...

lemme first say that i am new to your blog and contrary to your disclaimer i wasn't disappointed. you shared a captivating visual of two cities that i have yet to visit. i do, however, take issue with my own beloved being dismissed as a mere 'watercolor' in comparison. speaking as one of her patrons i can assure you we aren't typically possessors of thin skins but that hurt, sum. nevertheless, may the future with your new love be as lovely as and worthy of your generous praise (even if your sentiments aren't equally extended to her sister holdin' down in the east).clb

24/11/05 08:15  
Blogger summer m. said...

@a: thanx.

@phoenix: that letter idea was brilliant, wasn't it? i can't claim it as my own. someone gently suggested i should do it this way. who could it have been?

@alii: ain't nothing wrong with a couch. word up.

@carol: first, thanx so much for dropping by. 'preciate ya. second, i know, i know. i shouldn't have dissed harlem like that. i really love harlem, fa' sho'. in fact, if i ever have the loot, i'll def have a spot in berkeley and a brownstone in harlem. due to my literary background (among other things), harlem will always be the popular girl my nerdy ass could never fully get with.

i guess my point was my obsession with nyc (and believe me, i am obsessed), is quite a bit different than my new obsession with the bay. i have loved (the idea) of new york since i was super young (like, from the first time i heard of new york), and i will spend mad time there, no doubt. it's just that i think the bay loves me back. and harlem? well, she got so may suitors that i don't even think she knows i'm alive.

but i apologize if i hurt you. really, i am. wasn't my intention at all. (oh man...maybe i need to talk about my love for harlem now just to be clear.)

that said, thanx for reading.

24/11/05 10:57  
Blogger RoRicka said...

yes. for a 20 minute love letter this sure is damn good.

if i had enough money to live on the california coast, i would.

have a great day!

24/11/05 14:56  
Blogger Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

nice letter, stealing snippets for myself.....

the bay is beautiful from what i've heard. can't wait to see her

24/11/05 21:34  
Anonymous eLLe said...

OOOH!!! and i just KNEW it was gonna be all romantical and stuff [my word] darn it summer m!!! how u gonna do that to me. *sigh* play with my emotional state like that... not very nice.. *pout*

p.s. loved it regardless

25/11/05 02:07  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

Damn it's great being your intern you get to learn $50.00 words for simple stuff like virid for green and polyamorous for threesomes. See that's why I stick with ya.

25/11/05 04:26  
Blogger mwilli said...

having just moved from the bay area just 2.5 months ago, i hate you for bringing up the fact that i don't live there anymore. no more weekend jaunts to fisherman's wharf or riding down lombard street or even going to castro street to look at all the rainbows on the streets and in store windows. damn you summer!

25/11/05 07:38  
Blogger summer m. said...

@roricka: thanx.

@killimanjaro: word. just replace all the cali references with her name, and you should be set. since y'all said this isht wasn't corny, that's what i plan to do.

@elle: where you been? good to see you're bizack.

@harold: virid can also mean innocent. and polyamorous ain't also just some menage stuff.

@mwilli: sorry, playa. ain't nobody make you move to tejas. now that i've been to the bay, iono why anyone would live anywhere else.

25/11/05 07:46  
Blogger mwilli said...

well i had 18 years there living in many parts of the bay so i guess you could say it was time for a change especially now that i have kids. is that alcatraz behind you?

25/11/05 11:36  
Blogger simone said...

i'll be with your love in 2007! i LOVE the bay too. it feels like home.
don't know how but it's a deep intention of mine to settle there.

and i've been waiting patiently for the politics breakdown on O :)

peace and have a beautiful rest of your day/evening.

25/11/05 19:11  
Blogger summer m. said...

@simone...i did o week a while ago.

check here for it all: o week

26/11/05 00:45  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad you now understand why I was so sad that whole first winter: I had seen the P. Land and had been rejected. But one day ... I'm gonna marry well ...


26/11/05 12:28  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I still say that if things don't work out with me and dude, I'm moving to the bay with you. I fucks with virid landscapes. And I think my heart (or perhaps naughtier bits of my anatomy) seeks to be polyamorous (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, head swivels as fat ass sashays by).

27/11/05 05:52  
Blogger summer m. said...

@rrrr: yeah, yo. i mean, i already don't dig midwestern winters, but now that i've seen the bay-ay...oh man, it is the promised land.

@anon: yuh. it so much fun woman watching with you...just let a nig know.

27/11/05 09:59  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a beautiful letter.wish i can go to the bay. but i love this city i dont think i can ever leave.


27/11/05 13:08  

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