Thursday, July 06, 2006

finding what you're looking for



i have climbed highest mountain. i have run through the fields...

along with the 5 day affair, i headed to ohio during my absence. it was family time: my cousin jumped the broom.

ahh, marriage. don't front. i love that shit. the rings, the brian mcknight, the bad ass ringbearer, the inherently corny vows, the cake. (gosh, how i love the cake.) besides, it's not all the time i get to see my 92 year old grandmother take two screwdrivers to the head, and then ask my mother what year it is... ah, yes. wedding time is family time.

as i watched my mother--in abject horror-- see how low she could go during the cha cha slide portion of the reception, i looked around and wondered, "what would happen at a black wedding if they played neither the cha cha nor the electric slides during the reception?" i didn't come up with an answer immediately, so i began to think of other, less pressing things. sure, these items of contemplation were hardly as deep and significant as dreaming up a black reception with no line dances, but they were thought-provoking nonetheless.

i have kissed honey lips, felt my healing in her fingertips...

see, another thing i like about weddings and all the shit surrounding it is the lofty rhetoric. in other words, i'm intrigued by the "we wrote our own vows" phenomenon. niggas just get so unspecific and fluffy, jacking lines from maya angelou hallmark cards and whatnot, scouring thesauruses for words they've never used. they go on and on, trying not to succumb to tears. all the while my mother and i sit in the audience and suggest people keep it real. yeah, while you're getting all jerry mcguire with your "you complete me" jargon, my mother is whispering in my ear, "i think people need to be more honest during the vows and say things like, 'i promise not to fuck around too much during our marriage.'" yes, yes, y'all. the hateration never stops.

i have spoke with the tongues of angels

all that said, one thing you hear folks say when they're talking of their betrothed, soulmate, new houses or whatever is this common phrase: "i just knew." and no one ever says anything concrete about how you "just know." instead they talk about some mystical feeling they got at some point in the relationship--often the very beginning. i can't say i've ever "just known" anything. (though shoes often say "buy me" when i try them on.) given the divorce rate, it seems that a lot of folk don't really "just know" either.

so i wonder: does one ever really "just know"? or is that idea just part of the fairytale romance package disney, hallmark, et. al. try to sell us on our way to see the divorce lawyer?

i believe in the kingdom come... then all the colors will bleed into one... well, yes i'm still running...

now maybe i wonder all of this because i'm jaded and a cynic. and by no means am i firmly suggesting that nobody ever "just knows." yet i also wonder, is the idea of "just knowing" simply a retroactive gesture? do we later assign meaning to things that had heretofore been deemed meaningless until we (thought we) figured out that this thing of ours might go the distance?

i don't entirely believe in serendipitous happenstance, but i'm also not completely sold on fate. admittedly, i've never been in love. i'm beginning to embrace different and unorthodox ways of coming into relationships with people. i'd like to imagine that i have some sort of controlof how and when i choose to be in love. the idea of "just knowing" scares me, for it limits my agency. but more than that, i think i'm just frightened that i'll never "just know." i'd be much more comfortable with the idea of growing into "just knowing." just looking for some bullet points, i guess. so i can identify "just knowing" when i see it.

in the meantime, i suppose i'll use the a bronx tale way of finding my three great ones.


language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

19 Comments:

Anonymous a. said...

yeah, I believe in just knowing. Just knowing is the easy part. But on the real, that does not keep you in a relationship. Knowing you can/want/will stay when shit gets thick is what it's really about.

6/7/06 19:58  
Anonymous pclarity said...

I hate you for reading my mind. Only, not really, but this hit really close to home for me on the scary tip. Love: The Aftermath makes one quite philosophical don't it? (At least, when one isn't in the midst of a fit of anquished rage.)

In short, I feel you.

6/7/06 20:00  
Blogger Phoenix said...

i just know.
of course i do.
and that's what motherf*cking counts, even when warriors are full of shit (and such).

i also just know that something better is always coming along.

i'm sure you('ll) just know too.

in the meantime, "whatever" is always an appropriate response.

7/7/06 01:50  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think "we just knew" or "i just knew" is a bunch of baloney. as if *knowing* something isn't hard work, a place you get to after some journeying. i think i might "just know" after some solid time spent getting there. i'm too cynical/suspicious/intelligent/analytical to "just know" anything.

actually ... ok. um, full disclosure. i "just knew" when i picked out my dog from the other 200 at the shelter. but that was different! he sat on my foot!

rrrr

7/7/06 12:58  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think "we just knew" or "i just knew" is a bunch of baloney. as if *knowing* something isn't hard work, a place you get to after some journeying. i think i might "just know" after some solid time spent getting there. i'm too cynical/suspicious/intelligent/analytical to "just know" anything.

actually ... ok. um, full disclosure. i "just knew" when i adopted my dog from the shelter. but that was different! he sat on my foot!

rrrr

7/7/06 12:59  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry about posting twice! my computer spazzed!

rrr

7/7/06 13:16  
Blogger Alii said...

i agree with your mother

7/7/06 14:53  
Blogger summer m. said...

@a: good point.

@pclarity: now if i can only read the minds of a few other folks i'd be in business.

@phoenix:

@rrrr: that's a great way of looking at it. and of course you "just knew" about ll cool k. or should we say that ll cool k just knew about you?

@ali: according to my mother, everyone should agree with her.

7/7/06 15:31  
Blogger Phoenix said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/7/06 23:48  
Blogger Phoenix said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/7/06 23:49  
Anonymous l' said...

i am herby obstaining from posting anymore comments on your blog.

8/7/06 23:50  
Blogger dianne_lone said...

I also believe in just knowing it.. I guess there is just a state of mind when you feel that you are ready and you are with the right person.. Like in my case, I am getting married soon with my webdate honey and I know that he is the right person for me and I dont have any doubts in him.. I think you just feel it in the right time.

10/7/06 08:15  
Blogger deshi said...

yo. you were there. you saw that shit. i may not have said it for fear of jinxing myself, but something in my head told me that evening that there's a reason i've been in the chi for 15+ years. and the day i met her, i knew why. so yeah, i just knew.

believe it homie.

did i just jinx myself now? grr.

10/7/06 15:01  
Anonymous bunny said...

I love A Bronx tale and did she lean over and unlock the door for you too? Man *shakes head* I wish it was that simple. I thought I "just knew" until 6 months later when I wanted to run away like a slave from that relationship. So now I say "you never know", there's no way to ever know, is there? If so put a patent on that shit and share it with us seeking that knowledge.

10/7/06 21:56  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you will know when you know. and the reason you don't know, is because you don't know yet...

knowing, does not undermind the work, it just makes it more rewarding. instead of normal relationships, where shit just keeps getting worse, you fight, you understand eachother better and eventually you get beyond all the bullshit.

i haven't got pass the bull shit yet, but i know (using the operative word and all) we will. and knowing, is half the battle.

10/7/06 22:41  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i agree with the above anonymous. it's hard to objectively analyze something you've yet to experience. it's like when people problematize other people's romances but they've never been in romantic relationships so they don't really know the ins and outs.

it's a lot easier (and probably more fun) to try and figure stuff out from the outside but once you're in it, you're in it. and that's when you just know (or don't).

11/7/06 18:00  
Blogger nubian said...

i don't think you can wait for the girl to unlock your door for you when she gets in the car, because of power locks and all.

so, you have to modify that one.

13/7/06 14:09  
Blogger Funchilde said...

lmao. great post.

13/7/06 14:41  
Blogger Safire said...

The only thing I've ever just known is that this mutha fucka right here is going to fuck around and make me dump his ignorant ass at some point.

As to whether or not you "just know" when you've met your mate...

That would require belief in some shit like soul mates or something, wouldn't it? And I'm of the same mind as you. It's too scary to believe.

Why? Because people are sick, twisted mutha fuckas that run when they should stay, fight when they should fuck, and lie when they should confess. So I can just see my so-called soul mate fucking the whole shit up because some hoe-ass chick did him wrong back in undergrad and he never got over that shit.

How fucking depressing is that?

That aired, I will say - when I met Josiah I just knew we would fuck...

But that's probably because I was willing to rape his nubile, yellow ass if I had to.

That's probably more fucked-up than fated, huh?

4/9/06 01:58  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home