reality? tv?

let me begin by saying that, until last thursday, i had never seen an episode of survivor. so in a sense, their new ploy worked. (you clever television executives!) if you've been living under a rock, or are amish--in which case you prolly aren't reading this blog--let me fill you in: for the 13th season of the show, the folks over at cbs decided to separate the tribes along racial/ethnic lines, therefore creating a white tribe, a black tribe, an asian tribe, and a latino tribe. (no, there is no indian tribe. apparently cbs struck a deal with the native american team. in exchange for using the word, "tribe" to represent their people, the native americans got a casino, a mascot, a couple blankets infected with small pox, and were sent on their merry way.)

though i imagine that all of the team names actually mean something in some "native" language, i can't help but think these niggas just pulled a whole bunch of scrabble letters out of that crown royal-esque velvet bag and put some consonants in between the vowels. that said, for the purpose of the next two entries--and because i'm an asshole--i've come up with my own tribe names. as such, the aforementioned teams will from here on be known as: team mayflower, team underground railroad, team shanghai express, and team run for the border. i imagine you can connect the dots from there. if you can't, navigate away from this blog NOW.

when i first heard about this new twist, i wasn't really sure how to process the information. i've tried to handle it in a couple of ways, none of which was very successful. for instance, at the grocery store the other day, i stood behind this interracial couple and their kid. feeling the pain of my single sistas out there trying to find a decent black man to marry, i cringed. but i figured that wasn't activist enough, so i asked the man if his mama knew that he wasn't rooting for the black team on survivor this season. when their kid threw a cheerio at me, i simply replied, "and who will you be rooting for this year, little boy? you can't ride the fence on this one, tiger. you're gonna have to choose." **

i quickly realized, however, that such acts were not the proper way to deal with the new, affirmative action survivor. how, then, should i (re)act? if maury povich is a most perfect example of why television exists, and if flavor of love proves yet again that coonery would be much easier to resist if it wasn't so damn entertaining, what, then, could i say about survivor? then it dawned on me: i must blog about the potential ramifications of airing the show. and so, i've comprised a brief overview of each team, including pros, cons, and their potential fate. here goes:

team underground railroad(of course i put them first. whatchu think this is?)
pros: a tropical people, team u.r. is able to work from sunup to sundown with little food. the work inspires happy songs that they sing throughout the day.
cons: five words: NO CHICKEN ON THE ISLAND.
prediction: forgetting they're on an island, they decided to try and escape. they get to the shore, however, and all the women head back inland because they are not fucking up their hair in salt water. this, of course, only leaves the one male team member with no choice but to return inland with the women, and wait for the other two male cast members--who both get out of jail in 5-10 episodes-- to attempt another run. niggas can't swim anyway.

team shanghai express
pros: they're by far the smartest team on the island.
cons: with no college campus in sight, no one gives a fuck about their s.a.t. scores.
prediction: um... a chain of successful small businesses patronized by team underground railroad?

team run for the border
pros: talk about team spirit! they live eat, drink, and sleep together.
cons: they didn't bring enough water for a desert island.
prediction: with teamwork, they build a chevette-sized canoe, and make a go for the mainland; only to get caught by team mayflower, and ordered back, even though they were just trying to get to land that used to be their's any damn way.

team mayflower
pros: with artistic interpretations of prospero and robinson crusoe hanging in the team tent, methinks team mayflower will find a way to get settled, and get rich.
cons: this season, there are explicit rules against enslaving, oppressing, or scheming land from other teams.
prediction: they elect some bumbling idiot as their leader, and destroy everyone on the island.



**that's a lie.

up next: survivor cycle 13: potential ramifications.