(start a rumor monday...tuesday edition)

news in brief

judge sentences lil kim

soon after being found guilty of perjury, a judge sentenced lil kim to the maximum 20 years in prison. he broke down her punishment in the following way:

• 1 year probation for perjury (in court).
  

• 5 years for lying about how many times she's had her breasts done.

• 14 years for fraudulently claiming on her tax return to be an emcee.

lil kim (government name kimberly jones) as of yet has released no comment; interestingly, her recently hired ghostwriter is currently on vacation in the bahamas.

but i don't wanna eat!!!!

with the recent emergency congress session on sunday, it seems that the "culture of life" of models, hollywood actresses, and young suburban white girls everywhere will soon be directly threatened. after a hasty vote that forced the terry shiavo case back into court, suburban moms and dads are appealling to the courts on their own behalf. several parents and parents' rights advocates have requested that it be permanently legal for them to force feeding tubes down the throats of their anorexic and bulimic daughters. though these cases are still in court, "president" bush and members of congress have gone on record saying they support allowing a next of kin to force those who seem frightfully skinny and/or have eating disorders to wear portable feeding tubes. members of the fashion community, calista flockhart and sarah jessica parker are all leading the movement against such legislation.


i guess he is a black man underneath it all

contrary to news reports surrounding the michael jackson trail, the gloved one's lateness and occasional truancy from court was not the result of jackson's alleged recent health problems. rather, jackson has been late due to some essential blackness not affected by his well-documented "skin disease". when jackson's lawyers went to pick up the king of pop for his court appearance, he answered the door in pajamas saying he was on cpt. jackson's legal team--all white-- thought this was a medication for some ailment from which jackson appeared to be suffering. they accounted for his thinness and pale appearance as evidence of this ailment, thought to be the flu or a sickness with flu-like symptoms. it wasn't until a court recess when talking to jackson's brother, tito, that jackson's representatives were told that cpt was not a colloquial term for a perscribed medication, but rather an acronym for colored people's time. though the legal team attempted to explain the reason for the miscommunication to the judge (also white), nothing but confusion ensued in the courtroom. with race being such a confusing and dangerous issue to introduce in legal situations involving rich (formerly) black people like michael jackson and o.j. simpson (and since gayatri spivak was not available to explain [y'all academic heads feel me] and probably would have simply muddied the already dirty water), jackson's sickness was accepted as a feasible and more comprehensible explanation.

white sprinter says: 'hey, i juiced up, too!'

in the midst of professional baseball players testifying (or is it testilying?) in front of the us government in regards to steroid use in professional baseball, another sprinter has confessed to using performance enhancement drugs. the athlete, a 27 year-old white mala (name witheld) from lincoln, nebraska, admitted to using steroids during the 2003-2004 indoor/outdoor track season. though he seemed remorseful and willing to accept his punishment, track officials refused to discipline the 100- and 200-meter sprinter saying, 'his white ass needed all the help he could get.'


in related news, there is no word as to whether or not jose canseco's conclusion that his tremendous use of hair gel during his baseball career helped him steal bases better (as it precluded infielders from tagging him out) --especially during his famed 40/40 season-- will be considered with the seriousness his steroid use has. though the government is mum on how they will treat this admission, major league baseball has already issued a severe disciplinary system for players who are caught having hair gel in their lockers before games:

• 1st offense: 30 games suspension
• 2nd offense: 1 season suspension
• 3rd offense: out of baseball

there is no word as to whether or not black baseball players will still be allowed to wear hairgrease.


(there. i did it. don't blame me if it wasn't funny. i told you i was in a rut.)