(start a rumor monday...)


after more than 2000 years, jesus finally replaces disciple.

14. february. 2005--with a stirring performance last night that featured mavis staples, "bishop" t.d. jakes, and his own mama, rapper/producer extraordinaire, kanye west got more than a grammy. as of this morning, west can add disciple to his already long and impressive(?) resume. during a news conference this morning, jesus christ released the following statement:

"after long, careful analysis and serious contemplation, i have finally decided on a replacement for judas. it's been a very difficult decision, but god, the holy spirit and i are both confident with our choice. throughout the years we have undoubtedly seen some very worthy candidates, but the plethora of disciple hopefuls recently--namely mel gibson with his film, the passion of the christ; ben harper with his album, the 11th commandment, and mr. kanye west with his single, "jesus walks"--let us know that 2005 is the year of the disciple. it seemed only appropriate that we named lucky thirteen early in the year. and since it's black history month, we've decided to go with kanye west. his performance at the grammys last night put him over the top. i'm really glad i tivo-ed it."

though west didn't thank anyone--not even god-- during his first acceptance speech, his onstage deification not only wowed the grammy crowd into a(nother) superfluous standing ovation, but helped him pull way in front of the other disciple nominees. the live rendition of his club banger, "jesus walks," had three parts to it. first, west performed the first verse in a church setting wearing a black suit and white tie. then, there was a shadow puppet show behind a white sheet that included what seemed to be west getting the holy spirit and/or baptized, followed by him falling into a woman's arms--presumably his mother's. this was followed by john legend and the blind boys of alabama singing "i'll fly away" over a casket as two women mourned a passing. the third movement included the reemergence (resurrection, maybe?) of west rocking a pure like lamb's wool white suit and tie. after finishing the last verse, west emerged from the crowd of black parishioners with angel's wings, flying slightly above outstretched hands of the sanctified crowd.

when asked if this last gesture was a bit over the top, and if it indicated that west had more of a jesus complex than we initially thought, jesus had the following words, "i don't think it was too much at all. in fact, i kind of like zealots. but if you think about what that nigga ye did last night in comparison to gibson and harper, there was really no contest. it's kind of like the three bears and i'm goldilocks, you know? harper just drops an album called the 11th commandment. and i mean, that's nice and all, but that's soooo old testament. besides, did you see what he was wearing last night? and with mel, spending that much money on a film--even a film on me--is like too much. i mean, all we want is one-tenth of your income. besides, all those passion products last year--i really felt overexposed. i mean, i called gwyneth paltrow up and was like, "gwyn, i totally understand how you felt back in 1998 when you were in every movie and on every magazine cover. i, too, am sick of myself." besides that whole jewish thing is really problematic. those are my people, you know? anyway, i just thought what kanye did was just right: giving him and me praise at the same time. plus, he's hip hop. you can't really top that. by the way, my album drops march 27. easter sunday, bitches."

of the semi-deification, west remains confident, but humble. "i'm really happy about it, but i can't say i didn't expect it. i'm working on a remix of the gospels as we speak. people were wondering if i'd wile out if i didn't become a disciple. i guess we'll never know...will my quotes appear in red, too?"

by the way, jesus, black history month was moved to january. (obviously he doesn't read my blog.)

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HAPPY SINGLE AWARENESS DAY!!
(otherwise known as valentine's day)