Monday, February 07, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

dude is more white bread than wonder.

nfl breathes sigh of relief as brady wins third super bowl

7. february.2005--when philadelphia eagles quarterback, donovan mcnabb threw a late fourth quarter touchdown to wide receiver greg lewis, the nfl front office could no longer breathe easily. the score pulled the eagles to within 3 points of the defending super bowl champion new england patriots, and with just under two mintues left, it was more than possible that the eagles could get one more possession with time left in regulation for a score-evening field goal, and possibly another score in overtime to become super bowl xxxix champions. after an onside kick and a punt by new england, the eagles once again took over possession at their own seven yard line with only 55 seconds remaining in the game. but with an interception on third down, the nfl powers that be could exhale a sigh of immense relief.

"we were that close to having another team led by a black quarterback win the super bowl," one spokesperson said during the post-game conference. "we really dodged a bullet."

with his appearance in the super bowl last night, donovan mcnabb became only the third african american quarterback to appear in the big game. the first, doug williams, led the washington redskins to a bowl(xxii) victory in 1988 against the denver broncos (42-10). in the game, williams threw a super bowl record-tying 4 touchdowns, and more importantly kicked john elway's ass back to mile high stadium (that's two steps forward for the race!!)--though elway would later win two super bowls in the late 90s. twelve years later, steve mcnair led the tennessee titans literally to within 1 yard of a possible super bowl win. with time expired, kevin dyson was tackled just one yard short of the end zone. his score, along with the go ahead extra point would have tied the score, and perhaps the st. louis rams (led by eventual mvp, kurt warner), would have not (so quickly) been champions of the nfl.

with his third super bowl victory in four years, new england patriots' quarterback, tom brady will take his position as the greatest nfl quarterback since troy aikman, and simultaneously saved black folks from having one more thing to celebrate during black history month. armed with a great smile and boyish charm, brady firmly takes his place as one of the great (white) quarterbacks in nfl history. bart starr, terry bradshaw (who called brady an all-american boy during the pre-game show), joe montana, the aforementioned aikman, and now tom brady can all put super bowl champion on their resumes, while warren moon, randall cunningham, and...and...and...wow, lemme think some more...well, whatever...were close, but never got to say, "i'm going to disney world." and with a name like tom brady, one could rather easily argue that it doesn't get any whiter than that. (hmm...is he related to wayne brady?)

after the game, i caught up with an nfl spokesman, who had this to say, "we're proud of the fact that along with hockey, football is the last great white hope in the major sports. and with hockey on strike until hell freezes over (ha!), we've really felt all alone. despite larry bird (another boston legend) basketball had to acknowledge magic johnson and michael jordan. and with all those mexicans running baseball, it's a surprise they still serve cracker jacks instead of gorditas at the concession stand. of course, i'm sure they offset all of that with ticket prices and such. but hell, it seems to me that the only place for a white man in sports is as coach, owner, or nfl quarterback, and we're doing our part to keep it that way."

indeed they are. in fact, in recent years the nfl has come under fire by the likes of johnnie 'the glove' cochran, who recognized the paucity of african american head coaches in the league depite the fact that more than half the players are black. cochran and his colleagues have suggested an "affirmative action" initiative for the league; as a result, the nfl does require that at least one qualified african american be interviewed for vacant coaching positions. despite this ruling, the detroit lions quite blatantly hired steve mariucchi without interviewing any african americans, namely then baltimore ravens defensive coordinator, marvin lewis, who did eventually end up in cincinnati. perhaps as karmic justice, the lions still suck major ass.

as one deliberates even more, one realizes that a philadelphia eagles win would have been immensely problematic. mcnabb, after all, was at the center of the rush limbaugh controversy early last season. limbaugh mentioned mcnabb during his remarks about the "media being desirous" of having a black quarter back succeed in the league. mcnabb was also the source of a small controversy started, instigated, and ended on this very blogsite (i can't find it in the archive; maybe i just talked about it) in regard to a chunky soup commerical--involving black people and melons--that aired last year. also, terrell owens--who had a gutsy and impressive performance last night, just 6 weeks after having screws put in his right ankle--was at the heart of the monday night football hoopla several months ago. plus, head coach andy reid looks like a walrus.

for the nfl front office, then, tom brady and the new england patriots were the ideal league champion. no black nipples during half-time, another black quarterback doesn't win a super bowl, and none of the announcers have to give terrell owens more than some cursory respect for playing on a bum ankle. mostly, pretty white boys still have a spot on the playing field. the spokesman reflected, "it's not often that a tom brady comes around. we often wonder, 'is this a position [quarterback] we're going to have to give up, too?' you folks can continue to be wide receivers and tailbacks. that involves running, you people are good at that. you can even be linebackers. we feel that position is tailor made for your men, because you have to be real aggressive. take all those records. but calling plays and finding the open man? leave that to us. we'll run that show. and i tell you one more thing: the day names like deion and tyrone and daunte sit atop those like dan, tom, and joe in the record books is the day i give up my stock in the league. not really, but you know what i mean."

in a brief digression, when asked if the nfl had changed their passing rules this season to suit in-the-pocket quarterbacks like peyton manning, he replied, "damn, you're a smart girl. and i tell you something else: i know dan marino [former holder of nfl passing records broken this year by indianapolis colt, peyton manning] was white, but nobody gets that tan--even if you're playing in miami--if there isn't something in the woodpile somewhere."

at least he's honest.


language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

1 Comments:

Blogger Jdid said...

I am feeling this article. inspired. alot of truth and a nice mix of humour. if only mcnabb could have pulled it off.

7/2/05 21:10  

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