Monday, February 28, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

oscar fills black quota in one night; gets mistaken as the naacp image awards.

28.february.2005--if you tuned into the 77th annual oscars late last night, and realized it was not being aired on abc as advertised, you were not alone. it seems that midway through the show network executives became extremely confused. with so many black people on air at the same time--especially beyonce, p. diddy, and jay-z-- show directors mistook the oscars for the naacp image awards, and quickly moved the show from the disney-owned abc to upn. 'i could've sworn i saw clint eastwood and barbra streisand,' one cameraman said. 'but then all of a sudden i see all these black men walking on and off stage. at first, i still thought it was the oscars because i'd heard that chris rock was hosting. but when i saw robert de niro, i thought: this has to be the soul train awards.'

despite the confusion, the awards were quickly put back on abc, interrupting a rerun of desperate housewives; upn switched back to girlfriends. and somehow, the world is still spinning. quite surprising when you about how many black men graced the oscar stage last night. and get this: NOT ONE STABBING!

'there were so many black men on stage, i thought it was the source awards,' one hollywood producer was overheard saying after the show. 'fortunately we knocked that black shit out in one sitting. next year we'll almost be back to normal.'

in one night, the academy accomplished what it couldn't do adequately for over 70 years: vote for black people to win oscars. it seems as if last century was quite the learning experience for the academy: why wait to give black people oscars when you can take care of it quick and early? according to hollywood insiders, with last night's awards the academy sought to reach this century's affirmative action quota as soon as possible; boy did they succeed. with 2001 winners, halle berry (1/2 a point) and denzel washington (bonus point for being married to a black woman who is not a video ho turned red carpet arm accessory), the addition of morgan freeman and jamie foxx as winners, along with host, chris rock nearly equals last millennium's number of black winners and hosts (hosts: sammy davis jr. [minus 3/4 of a point because he was jewish and hung out with a lot of white people] and whoopi goldberg; winners: hattie mcdaniel, sidney poitier, denzel washington, lou gossett jr., whoopi goldberg [dreadlocks cancel the jewish part] and cuba gooding jr. who also only gets 1/2 a point.)

'to avoid any potential lawsuits, instead of waiting until the end of the century like we did last time, we decided to take care of our black quota now,' one member of the academy commented. 'we're a non-discriminatory awards show. we do not discriminate on sex, race, creed, or sexual orientation. we really try to embrace straight people in the arts. and black people, too. we're pretty close to signing lenny kravitz up for next year. that'll take care of that sammy davis, jr. thing from the 70s. plus, we anticipate having to award more latinos in the near future, especially since people have pretty much forgotten about benicio del toro. hell, even benicio del toro has forgotten about benicio del toro. i'll give out plenty of oscars to mexicans. so long as we don't have to start having a bilingual host.'

it should also be mentioned that oscar is getting more and more hip hop. not only did chris rock's incessant pacing across the stage during his monologue remind us of the quintessential hype man, but sean 'p. diddy' combs designed rock's tuxedo--something he made sure to tell everyone who interviewed him on the red carpet. he has future plans to remix the oscar statue. 'oscar needs more bling. my new sean john line of award trophies should handle that. bad boy, baby. takethat takethat takethat.' it should be noted that recently retired rapper jay-z was also in attendance to support beyonce knowles who was performing.

with only halle berry and oprah winfrey getting any screen time during the show, however, it seems the academy is still fully committed to giving black women the shaft--and i don't mean sam jackson...shut yo' mouf!!!!

congrats to all the winners.

and, uh, martin scorsese is now officially the susan lucci of the oscars.

that is all.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know that the Oscars have gone to hell when you got Beyonce up there singing the songs instead of Celine Dion. I'm just kidding. This post is fucking hilarious, and astute as fuck. It does feel like we're getting Oscar reparations out this bitch. Though I don't begrudge Morgan Freeman (who should have got a statue for his last two nominations) or Foxx a damn thing.

28/2/05 13:54  
Blogger Jdid said...

oh no the damn latinos?? next year we goin have to hook up benico del toro and j lo and my homegirl selma hayek. actually maybe we can just give on to antonio banderas. what do you mean he's not latino? hey!

28/2/05 16:54  
Blogger o said...

a HA HA HA HA @ the NAACP awards.

A big LMAO!!! For real!

These are getting better and better. If you slack off, I'ma kick you. BOX!

28/2/05 19:28  

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