(start a rumor monday...wednesday edition)

circle gets the square: jackson witness list postpones taping of hollywood squares

15. february. 2005--with a slew of celebrities set to testify for michael jackson's latest court trial, long-time running game show, hollywood squares recently had its cast list subpoened, and has consequently decided to postpone taping for its current season, due to the paucity of available celebrities. it is still uncertain whether or not the show will be canceled entirely.

with celebrities such as diana ross, barry gibb, liz taylor, and jay leno set to testify for the gloved one, hollywood will inevitably become a ghost town once the defense examines its witnesses. though the major networks won't feel the pinch since most television shows are cast with random ass white people willing to eat cockroaches and pig balls for money, the staff at hollywood squares has been thrown into a frenzy.

"we're scared shitless," one frantic production assistant admitted while making a coffee run to starbucks. "washed up celebrities trying to make a comeback were our demographic. we had a monopoly. your last sitcom got cancelled? go to hollywood squares. just got out of a.a.? go to hollywood squares. too fat for soft porn and too ugly to get off the b list? go to hollywood squares. people still remember that photograph of you giving your 21 year-old nanny a golden shower? go to hollywood squares. but now all those people are testifying for michael jackson. believe me, i've gone from taking to making phone calls. even gilbert godfrey is busy."

the massive celebrity list is all part of what jackson's attorneys call, 'the thriller defense.' the logic is as follows: if the defense can get lots of celebrities who were eat the zenith of his/her popularity during the 70s and 80s to testify for jackson, perhaps they can create an insurmountable nostalgia in jurors. as a result, each juror will recall that at one time they owned, listened to, and loved the thriller album. they will then remember jackson as a normal-looking, brown-skinned black man with a jheri curl. thus, they will ignore the crazy looking 'white dude' in the courtroom, and therefore find him innocent of whatever it was he was charged with in the first place.

though a long shot, jackson's attorneys are quite hopeful. for further insurance, they're constructing their closing arguments and responses to the media's questions around lyrics from the thriller album. when asked whether or not jackson really had the flu last week, one of jackson's legal representatives responded, "the king of pop faking an illness? shamon. his primary goal is to prove his innocence as quickly as possible. the flu is simply a result of stress. this is a very stressful time for the king of pop. ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa. he's been taking antibiotics, and i'm sure he'll be fully recuperated soon. "

the folks at hollywood squares don't expect to recover as quickly. the production assistant continued, "there are nine empty tic tac toe spaces on our set right now. what are we supposed to do? watch this weirdo grab his crotch and moonwalk on the witness stand? fuck that. i'm going to the $25,000 pyramid. or maybe even press your luck. whammies aren't on jackson's witness list."

that was always a better gameshow anyway.