Monday, March 07, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

i wanna pee on you: coz and kells collaborate

news brief

7. march. 2005-- bill cosby has (unintentionally) hooked up with another accused sexual predator: r. kelly. it seems that various internet sites have been selling bill cosby sex tapes along with, get this, a soundtrack of songs written, performed and produced by r. kelly.

apparently, a copy of bill cosby in the act with a young girl was discovered by a janitor cleaning the room where cosby's latest flop, fat albert was being edited. seizing the money-making opportunity, the janitor quickly made copies of the tape, and compiled a mix cd of r. kelly songs, including several previously unreleased tracks. he then created his own website where he showed previews of the tape, and then allowed interested viewers to purchase the work in its entirety. it is also available at borders, gold coast, and the virgin megastore in the musicals section, as well as a beauty salon or barber shop in a black neighborhood near you.

the dvd/cd combination has gone platinum faster that a southern rapper's teeth. there is already buzz that this janitor will be nominated for both a grammy and an oscar next year. 'i'm really glad people have seen my artistic vision,' he said. 'it took a lot of time to find the right songs, and play them at the most perfect moments in the film. the public's response has been tremendous. this has truly been a labor of love.'

the 45 minute cd and dvd are intended to be played simultaneously. the cd features several never heard before r. kelly tracks, including one song featuring kobe bryant rapping in italian on 'colorado bulldoggy style,' and another with michael jackson singing the hook on the rudy huxtable mix of 'all grown up'. though there is no doubt that it is in fact cosby on the tape, and kelly on the tracks, the compilation, entitled, 'best of both worlds: kelly and coz do the damn thing,' will not be used in either celebrity's court trial. 'due to some of the editing choices i made, the film is not admissable evidence in either trial,' the janitor said.

interestingly, the janitor has not been fired from his day job. in fact, since the film has been so successful, the studio promoted the janitor. he now has carte blanche to film and score his own projects. 'i'm currently working on a film set to star halle berry and a white men to be named later. there'll be no peeing or groping in this one, but the contract guarantees that she'll show at least one of her breasts--twice. eric benet and christopher williams are doing the score.'

n.b.: though fecundmellow was not able to obtain a copy of the sex tape (that shit was $19.99 plus s/h!), we do know that part of the action involves jello pudding pops.

(oh come on. that was funny.)

**for those of you who don't know, a colorado bulldog is an alcoholic drink (vodka, kahlua, cream, and coke).


language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

7 Comments:

Blogger rrrrrrrachel said...

I forgot it was monday --- you totally had me until the pudding pops. Now I'm fixin to wet my pants.

7/3/05 11:16  
Blogger Brother OMi said...

ha ha ha
i like this one

7/3/05 12:08  
Blogger Jdid said...

excellente!

7/3/05 12:16  
Blogger MB said...

OK you are officially my hero (or heroine except I'm not addicted to your blog or anything)! I love your blog. Ali hipped me to your site with your oscar commentary and i've been reading since. You are hilariously witty and I understand I might get to met you in Chicago at the hip hop feminism conference but until then I'll be reading!

7/3/05 17:45  
Blogger summer m. said...

thanx for the love, moya.

and if you're in the chi for the conference, i'll definitely say hey.

word up.

7/3/05 18:29  
Blogger Me said...

hey i just came across your blog through the black women's blogger forum.

dang that is some funny stuff. i love your start a rumor monday. i had to go back and read previous ones. shoot. you should start a blog specifically for that. i love it.

8/3/05 10:10  
Blogger Safire said...

You said you were going to get the pudding pops jab in and you did. You're my hero. I love Start-a-rumor Mondays, man. They're my favorite.

8/3/05 17:49  

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