(start a rumor monday...evening edition)

queen latifah: 'i ain't really a queen.'


last week, while promoting her recently released flick, beauty shop, queen latifah revealed some disturbing news that put the studio audience of the late-night talk show into a frenzy, and surely shocked and awed (like surprised, not like the war) home viewers. when asked by the late night host if her time-consuming acting career affected her ability to rule effectively in her home country, she responded, 'you know, i ain't really a queen. in fact, my name ain't even latifah. in actuality, my name's dana, and i'm from jersey.' for what seemed like a second longer than forever, the talk show host stared blankly at the 'queen'; she took the opportunity to expound upon her confession in a recent interview with fecundmellow:

fecundmellow: so if you weren't really a queen, why'd you pretend to be one?

ql: look yo, i came into this game back in '89 [with her debut album, all hail the queen] when niggas was talkin' that off the wall back to africa shit [nas swipe]. hell, i don't even know what latifah means. i just took the first few letters of my high skool friends' names--lakeisha, tichina, and fatima--and added an 'h' at the end. they said the shit sounded african, so i put queen in the front, took my grandmama's curtains and turned it into a head wrap, pretended not to eat pork, and boom, i'm a conscious rapper. it's as simple as that. you can get the directions in the liner notes to xclan's first album.

fecundmellow: why tell the public? they like to pretend. they have no problem calling george bush president.

ql: i figured the release of this movie would bring about the most appropriate time to let the public know my real identity. obviously my demographic has changed. i did bringing down the house and this latest bullshit for white folks. crackas love coonery, and i love cheese. what's better than cheese and crackas?

fecundmellow: that's funny.

ql: i'm really getting tired of being asked what part of africa newark is in, so i just thought i'd come clean. in fact, i'm thinking of changing my name to jemima winfrey--which speaks more to where i am in my career right now. i'm off that native tongue righteous bullshit. nigga, i don't speak no swahili. y'all can call me j. dub for short. it really captures my current mindset.

fecundmellow: and what mindset is that?

ql: lemme break it down for you. jemima signifies the types of movie roles i'm taking to get this cheddar. don't front. i know you saw bringing down the house. you rented it from that blockbuster on foster and broadway--by the way, you need to pay your late fees, they got your picture up and e'rything. anyway, in beauty shop i'm acting a straight fool. i got this moniker/my nigga joke, it makes no sense, but it's funny as fuck. there is weave e'rywhere, i'm kissing africans, i'm making white girls feel better about themselves, cheryl underwood selling catfish, alfre woodard quoting maya angelou. it's off the hook.

fecundmellow: and the winfrey part?

ql: now the winfrey is a shoutout to my girl o, because i'ma pimp these bitches til i got oprah-like cheddar. i'm talkin' beaucoup bucks, nigga. theoretical scrilla. i mentioned that bitch like twice in the movie. who knows how many times i name-dropped cover girl.

fecundmellow: i want pancakes.

ql: i think i got a bottle of syrup in my bra.

fecundmellow: can i lay my head on your bosom?

ql: can i touch your ass?

fecundmellow: nevermind.