Wednesday, March 30, 2005

membership has its privileges...

fecundmellow presents: 'shit (rich) white people can do that other folks can't: an overview'

  • jaywalk their asses off: i've come to the conclusion that something in the genes of white people causes them to step out into the street without looking. i suppose this is one of the benefits of ruling the world. you can just manuever through it without a second thought. you just assume your ass should not get hit by a car. yesterday, i was driving down 59th street when this white dude and a group he was apparently leading stepped out into the street. this nigga had the nerve to point down to the white lines on the street, as if such symbols of a pedestrian crosswalk indicated that he didn't have to look both ways. he obviously didn't know who i was. i honked at him, gave him the finger, and kept driving. it is people like him who i sincerely hope get hit by cars driving really fast. scratch the car. make that an s.u.v. better yet, a semi-truck.

  • wear shorts in the winter: do you not get cold, white people? sunshine does not always indicate warmth. why is it that white folks put on flip flops and shorts on unusually warm winter/spring days? it's still 50 degrees outside homie. i went to skool with a white chick who wore shorts everyday. i also went to skool with white girls who wore jean shorts and sweatshirts like all the time. but they shivered. i don't get that.

  • mow their lawns in their bathing suits: we used to live across the street from this white family, and the mom would always mow the lawn barefoot and in her one-piece bathing suit. i thought it was an anomaly until i saw old white men mowing their grass in swimming trunks. now if my brother woulda hopped on the john deere with some speedos on, i'm sure he'da got arrested for indecent exposure. that ain't fair.

  • get a loan: my old piano teacher charged 7 bux per half hour lesson. her husband was a bagger at scott's grocery store--nah, f'real. i saw him working there several times. i used to work at scott's, and all the football players were baggers. we made like 5.75 an hour. they had three kids. and they had a house--that they owned. i know i'm from fort wayne indiana, but how did they do this?

  • have their drug addictions be considered health issues and not criminal ones: i don't think i need to explain this.

  • have 'conversations' with the police (dave chappelle swipe): what must it be like to grab for your wallet and not get shot 41 times?

  • make up jobs and get paid a lot of money for doing them: movie critic...valet...literary consultant...: what do these jobs have in common? white people created them, and somehow make a lot of money doing them. a while ago i was listening to some story on npr, and this guy was being interviewed. he was a--get this-- recycling expert. dude had a tenured job at a university and everything. how does one become a 'recycling expert'? are there classes offered? can i major in recycling? why have i never heard of such programs? white people just make up their own jobs; and get paid for that shit. i wish a nigga would tell me he was a 'recycling expert'. i'd look at him like, 'nigga, please.'

  • go to europe with no money...allegedly: i'm a grad student. and anyone who knows and/or hangs with a grad student for any amount of time knows that we spend a lot of our time (talking about) being broke. yet somehow, some of my colleagues of the paler persuasion--who claim to have little if any funding-- are taking these trips to europe backpacking and shit. how do white people do this? are they all independently wealthy? how can they bitch about having no funding and/or health insurance, yet always seem to have the funds to spend a few weeks of the summer in paris or london or anyone of those european towns? this is beyond me.
  • get a fair trial: i'll bet you michael jackson has never felt blacker.
oh, the list goes on...add to it if you like.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Blogger Jdid said...

thats why when I'm jaywalking I always jaywalk with white protection. If its just me jaywalking drivers are liable to speed up but white folks now they cant be touched so i'm walking with them.

shorts in the winter is a phenomena. whats funny is shorts and a heavy jacket in winter. I always wonder if the person has like prostetic limbs or something.

30/3/05 16:16  
Blogger btrfly_locs said...

Shorts AND sweatshirts...because, the sweatshirt will balance out the fact that you are freezing your ass off!

30/3/05 18:07  
Blogger summer m. said...

@jdid--ha! yeah. but you know, if you ain't careful, you can blindly jaywalk following white folks into the street. and don't get caught being in the back, b/c they will hit your black ass.

@btfly--it all blends so perfectly now. thanx, homie.

30/3/05 18:13  
Blogger PonderingNegro said...

Here are my additions... curse out their parents and live, go out on stress leave at the drop of a dime, wear birkenstocks and tube socks, and last but not least, knitting

30/3/05 18:53  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pondering Negro stole my birkenstocks crack. So I'll say "be anorexic." I know that the rates of blacks starving themselves to look good is supposed to be on the rise, but a lot of niggas just starve on GP, 'cause they can't afford to smash out. I don't see too many of us volunteering for that shit.

30/3/05 20:36  
Blogger rrrrrrrachel said...

You know that I am always mystified (to put it nicely) by these trips to Europe. And the shorts. And jaywalking terrifies me.

I thought of one of your other blogs yesterday when I was sitting at a stop light and heard mama's gun blasting from the car next to me: a (fairly cute) black dude in a silver vw bug.

31/3/05 08:23  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm learning how to knit and, knitting doesn't count

31/3/05 11:44  
Blogger btrfly_locs said...

ooops...the knitting comment was me

31/3/05 11:45  
Blogger summer m. said...

i, too know how to knit. learned from my grandma.

then again, my blackness is often in question. i think.

31/3/05 15:40  
Blogger summer m. said...

oh, and rachel, despite your white jetta we all know you have an honorary negro card in your wallet. don't front.

31/3/05 15:44  
Blogger rrrrrrrachel said...

word! like, totally!

31/3/05 16:21  
Blogger Stephanie said...

What EYE am trying to figure out is.. why, when my colleagues get their hair highlighted, lowlighted, cut, shaven, etched, sketched, beaded and braided my professors say jack. But when EYE get my hair set on occasion then the whole friggin' world feels the need to critique my do? It goes from "are you performing the white aesthetic?" to "wow" to "is it all yours?" I even had a professor ask me what special berries I used to grow my hair out so long.

31/3/05 19:29  
Blogger Morcy said...

ok, a few points:

* I dunno what the laws are in IL, since I've only lived here for a decade, but in MA, cars MUST STOP if there are pedestrians in the crosswalk. Your anecdote suggests that the perp was in the crosswalk. So, who knows. I've been told that in Europe, people take advantage of this to get hit by cars and sue.

* chats with the fuzz. After my graduation party, I did, in fact, have a nice chat with the CPD in handcuffs. They did try to break my arm after I reached to get my phone out (they had already searched me for weapons, so I figured it was ok). So yeah, no 41 shots, and, um, they did let me off. So there you go...

* Europe. I have no idea, either. My last trip to Europe was funded almost entirely by the Feds, though. Oh, and I wasn't a grad student, yet. Now I fantasise about leaving the US.

31/3/05 19:35  
Blogger nahmix said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1/4/05 09:30  
Blogger nahmix said...

Here are a few for you:

1. Complete or come close to completing a PhD program and in the process teach a Data Analysis course, yet not know how to graph the data.

2. Be vegan extremists.

3. Buy their teenage daughters breast implants.

1/4/05 09:31  
Blogger nahmix said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1/4/05 09:31  
Anonymous Steph said...

I'm laughing out loud at this:

1) Minnesota is the CAPITAL of white folks wearing shorts in the winter time.

2) I have a colleague who has been to 30 countries. He said he "saved". He just finished his masters.

Now how about some shit that white folks do that amazes the hell out of me...and pisses me off...

My NUMBER ONE Dredlocks. Seriously, nasty stinking dredlocks. Or taking their asses to the carribean for spring break and coming back looking orange with cornrows.

a'ight i'mma stop.

1/4/05 15:46  
Anonymous Steph said...

By the way let me clarify...

Black people that keep their dredlocks looking good are cool.
but when white folks get dredlocks it just looks like they don't want to wash their hair.

The dredded white people usually have an accompanying stench that knocks you out if you are in ten feet of them.

1/4/05 15:48  

Post a Comment

<< Home