Monday, March 28, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

jesus is risen!, but sees shadow

28. march.2005--much to the excitement of christian followers around the world, jesus christ rose right on time: the first sunday after the the first full moon after the first day of spring. unfortunately for believers and non-believers alike, he saw his shadow, and there will be 6000 more years of hell on earth.

"we thought we only had about a millennium left until the apocalypse," one biblical scholar said, "but with this new development, we're looking at about 6000 more years until what we've scholars coined 'jesus intervention' otherwise known as the end of times. this is a tremendous disappointment to academic circles and segments of the christian community. after reading the book of revelation over and over again, we all thought we'd calculated correctly. despite the using the phrase as a constant reminder and warning, it seems that we'll have to say something other than, 'we're in our last days.' we have at least 2.1 million 'last days' to go. to say that today's events have been absolutely devastating would be an understatement."

though he did not take any questions from onlookers and members of the media, jesus christ did release a statement through his publicist, "as you all know by now, i've seen my shadow. let it be a lesson to you. i'm really getting sick of this shit. every year it's the same thing: pontius, parade, last supper, denial, crucifixion, resurrection. pontius, parade, last supper, crucifixion, resurrection. yet somehow you just don't get it. i mean, you can't even get my picture right. you've seen the middle east and the people who inhabit it. you know, while you've been distracted by feeding tubes and mj in pajamas, there's a war going on over there. but i digress. anyway, you've seen my 'hood. it's hot over there. do you think jim caviezal--or any white boy for that matter, tan or not--looks like me? if you can't even get my features right, how in the hell do you think you got the rest of it right? i promise, all man was good for was naming some animals. yeah, while thine worries about catching 'the gay' thine is ignoring genocide around the world. if it wasn't for my dad, i wouldn't keep doing this shit. so consider this a blessing. blessed are the human beings who get another 6 millennia to get it right. don't forget to buy my album after church. easter sunday, bitches. and i'm out."

at press time, it had already been prophesied that jesus christ's debut album, saint or sinner: interpret this, released on kanye west's new label, would be the number 1 album in america next week.

well, praise the lord and pass the jelly beans. aaaaahmen.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Blogger Alii said...

Oh she went there and even used the jesus-speak, red ink...

"If theres a hell below, were all gonna go"--Curtis Mayfield

28/3/05 12:13  
Blogger gbe said...

hilarious. classic.

28/3/05 13:30  
Blogger Jdid said...

man kayne got it going on but if he ever puts mr bentley on any of those saint and sinner remixes I'm not waiting for the fire and brimstone I'm a kick his ass my damn self.

28/3/05 13:42  
Blogger Morcy said...

gotta amplify alii here... I was amused throughout, but I totally lost it with the red ink. That's advanced comedy

30/3/05 10:03  
Blogger Stephanie said...

you are so damn funny Summer. shoulda sent it to The Onion they would have published this.

31/3/05 19:58  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Idea Jesus the Groundhog for the play station 2!!!!!
I'd buy it...
Guess who In R.I.

24/3/06 22:45  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

welcome back nig... smilin

21/8/06 19:52  

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