(start a rumor monday...)
jesus is risen!, but sees shadow
28. march.2005--much to the excitement of christian followers around the world, jesus christ rose right on time: the first sunday after the the first full moon after the first day of spring. unfortunately for believers and non-believers alike, he saw his shadow, and there will be 6000 more years of hell on earth.
"we thought we only had about a millennium left until the apocalypse," one biblical scholar said, "but with this new development, we're looking at about 6000 more years until what we've scholars coined 'jesus intervention' otherwise known as the end of times. this is a tremendous disappointment to academic circles and segments of the christian community. after reading the book of revelation over and over again, we all thought we'd calculated correctly. despite the using the phrase as a constant reminder and warning, it seems that we'll have to say something other than, 'we're in our last days.' we have at least 2.1 million 'last days' to go. to say that today's events have been absolutely devastating would be an understatement."
though he did not take any questions from onlookers and members of the media, jesus christ did release a statement through his publicist, "as you all know by now, i've seen my shadow. let it be a lesson to you. i'm really getting sick of this shit. every year it's the same thing: pontius, parade, last supper, denial, crucifixion, resurrection. pontius, parade, last supper, crucifixion, resurrection. yet somehow you just don't get it. i mean, you can't even get my picture right. you've seen the middle east and the people who inhabit it. you know, while you've been distracted by feeding tubes and mj in pajamas, there's a war going on over there. but i digress. anyway, you've seen my 'hood. it's hot over there. do you think jim caviezal--or any white boy for that matter, tan or not--looks like me? if you can't even get my features right, how in the hell do you think you got the rest of it right? i promise, all man was good for was naming some animals. yeah, while thine worries about catching 'the gay' thine is ignoring genocide around the world. if it wasn't for my dad, i wouldn't keep doing this shit. so consider this a blessing. blessed are the human beings who get another 6 millennia to get it right. don't forget to buy my album after church. easter sunday, bitches. and i'm out."
at press time, it had already been prophesied that jesus christ's debut album, saint or sinner: interpret this, released on kanye west's new label, would be the number 1 album in america next week.
well, praise the lord and pass the jelly beans. aaaaahmen.
language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison