Monday, December 12, 2005

start a rumor monday...

fort wheezy at christmas. 1 of 2 christmas displays in "downtown".

santa: the interview
two weeks before he again sets off on an award tour, father christmas sat down with summer m. of fecundmellow to spread a little holiday cheer, and clear up some nasty rumors that have been circulating news and other media throughout the year. mr. claus was very honest, candid, and...high.

fecundmellow: mr. claus, it is such a pleasure. thank you for taking time out of your busy holiday season schedule to chat with us today.

santa: the pleasure is all mine. ho, ho, ho!

fecundmellow: what'd you just call me?
santa: i don't think i follow.

fecundmellow: may i call you the nigga kris kringle, or just kris for short?
santa: go right ahead, smurf.

fecundmellow: ay yo, santa. that's fucked up. don't be calling me that shit in publik, homie.
santa: you been working really hard for coals in your stocking, asshole.

fecundmellow: are those 30's on the sleigh?
santa: 40's. sprewells. they spinnin', nigga, they spinnin'!!!!**

fecundmellow: lemme get a puff of that candy cane, k squared...word. is that platinum on rudolph's nose, playa?
santa: hell to the yeah. and peep that ice.

fecundmellow: you right. his olfactory area be mad frigid (comma) yo. [gives santa a pound.] so tell me, kris, what are the new hot toys for the season? monopoly? clue?
santa: [inhales slowly from the cane] naw, nigga. where the hell you been? these snot noses don't fuck with shit that don't have a hard drive. try a blackberry, the new video ipod, xbox, shit like that. by the way. you really should stop asking for that red ryder bb gun. we discontinued that line 8 years ago. what's this? the 17th christmas in a row you've asked for that? i figure a phd student would get the hint by now. besides, you'll shoot your eye out.**

fecundmellow: how does the workshop handle such technologically demanding christmas gifts?
santa: we merged with microsoft not too long ago.

fecundmellow: did the elves' work stoppage earlier this year hinder your progress?
santa: due to some stipulations in the legal settlement, i'm not at liberty to discuss that.

fecundmellow: can you at least respond to the elves' labor leaders claiming unfair wages and less than stellar working conditions at the north pole?
santa: you really know how to fuck up a high.

fecundmellow: what of several law suits claiming height discrimination by some of the taller elves?
santa: you're *this* close to my naughty list.

fecundmellow: speaking of, i'd like to name some names. feel free to respond with either naughty or nice. terence howard.
santa: that hustle and flow shit? and that conk? not so nice, homie.

fecundmellow: bob johnson.
santa: naughty.

fecundmellow: kanye west.
santa: gay.

fecundmellow: naughty or nice?
santa: that nigga gay. he asked me for a barbie when he was 9!

fecundmellow: should i put him under naughty or nice?
santa: put that under, "jaw needs welding."**

fecundmellow: george w. bush.
santa: that nigga will be shitting coal 'til new year's.

fecundmellow: bobby and whitney.
santa: that's black love.

fecundmellow: oprah.
nice. her favorite things shows really help a brother out on the workload. if you ain't gonna puff the cane pass, nigga damn!

fecundmellow: [passes cane to santa.] sum-n-saf.
santa: naughty-n-naughty.

fecundmellow: how do you respond to critics who say you are merely another mythical white heterosexual male patriarch who not only stands as a holiday season metonym for, but also reinscribes ideas surrounding consumerism, materialism, and capitalism, while also simultaneously reifying notions of whiteness and maleness as jovial goodness?
santa: they can kiss my black ass.

fecundmellow: i heard that you were under some pressure to change your image due to our ever-changing and diverse society. any response?
santa: these politically correct muthafuckas are out of their goddamn minds. what the hell do they think this is? an application for admission to the university of michigan law skool? i'm santa, muthafuckin', claus, bitch. i do my day after thanksgiving appearance at macy's, and these muthafuckas want me to wear a yarmulka and a kente cloth belt so as to not offend those who don't celebrate christmas. i'm like what the fuck? that kente shit clashes with my suit, and makes me break out, dig? and the kids can't sit on my lap no more because they think i'm on some michael jackson shit. standing all far away from me like i got the bird flu or some shit. and then, they tell me i can't say merry christmas, or happy holidays or nothing. i'm just supposed to say "happy" because that's a--and i quote--"neutral term for end of the year celebrations regardless of religious affiliation, race, color, creed, and sexual orientation." and while i'm on sexuality: this gay shit has got to stop. i got these bastards at lambda legal trying to sue me and shit. all up in arms because i walked off the set of an ikea commercial after the director told me it wasn't a mrs., but a mr. claus i was buying a dinette for. just because i threatened to do some shit involving my boot and the director's ass. since when did violence upon the ass equal sodomy? in my day it stood for an often well-deserved beat down. that shit was taken out of context, muthafucka. i'm a friend of gay people. i tivo shit off bravo and logo all the damn time. skittles are my favorite candy. i got elves working for me, what the fuck else do you want?!?!

fecundmellow: do you mind if i reveal to my blog readers that you're a black man?
santa: why not? they'll believe that as soon as they start painting more accurate pictures of jesus.

fecundmellow: thanks, playa.
santa: ho, ho, ho, muthafucka.


**chris rock...also, shout out to saf's mama.
**a reference to my fave holiday movie ever, a christmas story.
**
another shout out to saf.


language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

13 Comments:

Blogger Alii said...

Once we went to the mall in Los Angeles and Santa was Mexican and spoke spanish, we came back later to take pictures and he was Philipino and spoke Tagalog.
The worst though was the Santa in Oakland who had braided down his nappy beard and put white plastic beads on it...And they let his ass be in the mall!!!

12/12/05 10:53  
Blogger Amadeo said...

My man likes to play Santa cause all those single mothers get flirty this time of year...he's so thrilled when they ask to sit on his lap.

12/12/05 13:14  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

Sum damn you mess with Santa? Damn ain't nuthin sacred to you?

Well I don't why u didn't tell your readers that after the interview you and Claus man went in the back room and got busy.

I may be unpaid but I can still hear. That's right start a real rumor

Harold saw Summy kissin Santa Claus

12/12/05 15:04  
Blogger Miss Jessi said...

Aw shit Sum... u was kissin Santa Claus?

12/12/05 19:17  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell that nigga to quit wit that reefer till after Christmas, Summer. No wonder he's always bringing me the wrong shit. I wanted an IPOD, nigga, an IPOD, not no dinky mountain bike!

12/12/05 20:02  
Blogger Phoenix said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12/12/05 22:06  
Blogger Phoenix said...

"i'm santa, muthafuckin', claus, bitch."
--->kinda my favorite line ever.

12/12/05 22:07  
Blogger summer m. said...

@alii: god bless california. in a very meta sense, i was talking to a prof of mine about such californian ways.

@amadeo: maybe i should try to become santa. hmmmm...

@harold: hell naw. you should know that nothing is sacred around here. how long have you been my unpaid, allegedly sexually harrassed intern?

and about that rumor you just tried to spread: you're fired.

@miss jessi: hell nah. harold just want some of my money.

@anon: i got his cell number. i'll let him know.

@phoenix: word?

13/12/05 08:51  
Blogger MB said...

there was a black santa in the "mall west end," a place we'll take you when you come down in march, that had on a black suit with white lining and some rbg wrist bands with a red santa hat. he also had a couple of golds (not a full out grill at least). the kids were scared of him and din't want to go up to him. at least he was black

13/12/05 10:01  
Blogger Phoenix said...

keepin' it real in the hood. word. that's what i'm talking about right thurr...hold it down west end.

13/12/05 12:56  
Blogger Morcy said...

I always figured santa was a huge meth head to get all that shit done. I don't care what kinds of stories might get spun out of "How High," you need amphetamines to stop the world and deliver presents to billions of babies on one night.

That said, the main reason I started doubting the existence of Santa as a kid was since I couldn't imagine the elves, always protrayed as working in wood shops, had the technical ability to build my legos--you know, to pour molds and stuff. Plus, if it was santa elf-made, why did it carry the "lego" logo? And why did it have a price tag from Toys R Us? (moms: "Santa was too busy to build toys this year, so he bought them all")

13/12/05 13:40  
Blogger Miss Jessi said...

Oh, alright... I was about to get a little worried...

13/12/05 20:51  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Santa still married? why we on this. i like dem big niggas.. and i know he got a lil muscle build, cause he be lifting all that heavy shit. yeah yo, black santa real hot. iyuh break a husky nigga down. especially when he about giving shit to other peoples kids. i got a couple younguns. shooooon! i could hook him up too!
ask him what he know bout dem young country gulls.

all da real freaks get down on the pole! da south pole dat iz.

13/12/05 21:19  

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