Monday, May 09, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

TOP STORIES

it's official: monday after mother's day is officially 'yo' mama's...day'
washington, d.c.: with a wide margin of victory, the congressional black caucus voted in a special session to officially mark the monday after mother's day 'yo' mama's day...'. as stated in the press release published this morning in black newspapers throughout the nation, 'yo' mama's day...' is intended to celebrate and embrace the african american tradition of snapping, also known as joning, cracking, and playing the dozens.' democrats also believe that by participating in 'yo' mama's day...', they may be able to recover some of the backbone they lost in last november's 'presidential election'. tennessee congressman harold ford, jr., who announced the news, is quite pleased that black congresspeople were able to stop their highly talked about in-fighting and pass an edict. 'i'm very pleased that we were able to get such a measure passed, and so quickly,' he said. 'by the way, barack obama's mama is so white, he got elected senator.'

though washington insiders thought that the white house would oppose such a declaration, it seems that 'president' bush is all for this latest official holiday. he ended his monday morning press conference with, 'condoleezza rice's mother is so ugly, i had to put her on the terrorist do not watch list.' (uh, yeah.)

no word yet as to whether or not hallmark will produce a line of cards to commemorate the day. hallmark subcompany mahogony has already come up with several cards.

vandal says, 'i ran out of spray paint'
chicago, illinois: on may 6, 2005, catholic believers throughout chicago were unpleasantly greeted with the news that someone had vandalized what was believed to be an image of the virgin mary under the kennedy expressway (my exit of all exits!!!!) . it seems that in the middle of the night, a vandal wrote 'big lie' on top of the (alleged) image of the virgin mary. that morning, the city of chicago's street and sanitation department painted over both the image and the graffiti with brown paint. victor gonzalez, the admitted defacer who has been charged with a misdemeanor, bailed himself out of jail. fecundmellow caught up with mr. gonzalez as he left the cook county lookup.

'the only thing i regret is not having more spray paint,' he stated. 'all i got to write was big lie. what i really wanted to write was, 'big lie. so stop letting your kids kiss salt stains you silly people. why are you allowing your baby to place his lips on a concrete wall under the kennedy expressway in chicago? do you realize how many homeless men have probably pissed on that very spot? by the way, i ate the jesus fish stick and the 'virgin mary' grilled cheese. i'd also like to say publically that i am not a vandal, i am a socially conscious graffiti artist. thank you very much.'

despite the brown paint, believers claim to still be able to see the image of the virgin.

chappelle, 'i'm out of jokes, bitches' (for saf)
new york, new york: due to pressure from social organizations throughout the country, the premiere of the third season comedy central hit, chappelle's show has yet again been pushed back. women's organizations, particularly those that align themselves with second wave feminism, white supremacist groups, and glbtq(lmnop) coalitions have all been quite vocal about the 'offensive' nature of chappelle's humor. it seems that chappelle and comedy central have finally caved.

'we regret to inform the public that the third season of chappelle's show will not begin airing on may 31st as we hoped,' a comedy central representative reported. 'production has ceased yet again, and we are unsure when it will begin again.'

though most have speculated that the reported $50 million contract chappelle signed with comedy central in august of 2004 to be the source of writer's block for both chappelle and his writing partner, neil brennan, other more intimate sources believe that pressure from the above mentioned groups has wiped out chappelle's arsenal of jokes.

when chappelle signed the contract extension, several of the offended groups joined forces and started a consortium aimed at ending what they call 'hate humor' that airs on television. as a result, sources say that comedy central has attempted to mitigate such controversy by impelling their $50 million dollar man to create a much milder show. consequently, dave chappelle and his writing staff have produced subpar skits for the third season.

'if dave chappelle can't talk about white people and women, he has nothing to say. even dave chappelle gets sick of telling fart jokes,' one staffer (who shall remain nameless) told fecundmellow. 'spreading doo doo butter on scantily clad women is funny. putting gay white supremacists in pink klan outfits is funny. if you can't talk about crackheads and retarded kids, who can you talk about? they took our funny.'

a usually talkative and personable chappelle has released only 1 public statement, 'i'm out of jokes, but i'm rich, bitch.'

retarded puppets making prank phone calls, and foul-mouthed third graders will still make weekly appearances on comedy central.

what a conundrum
despite her willingness to parody herself on saturday night live, paula abdul has been mum on the whole corey clark ordeal, surrounding her and american idol. abdul's defense has consisted of denying the relationship and calling clark an admitted liar. meaning, clark has allegedly admitted to being a liar.

uh.

meaning, clark has admitted to being a liar and abdul believed his confession.

ok. i think i get it.






language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

6 Comments:

Anonymous Lee said...

but if he's lying about lying, then he's lying, which means he was lying when he called himself a liar. therefore he was telling the truth, which means he's a liar. seems simple enough to me.

of course, he might also be lying.

i'm with the graffiti guy.

9/5/05 13:28  
Blogger Safire said...

The Barack Obama crack is just...You really, really need to be publishing this shit nationally. Like, really.

And I am mad that the Dave Chapelle thing is about political correctness. I would have had a lot more respect if it really was writer's block. I can empathize with that. But giving in to the outraged, "oppressed" masses? Fuck that.

9/5/05 13:29  
Blogger summer m. said...

uh, saf, that political correctness stuff was made up.

iono why chappelle's show isn't being aired on may 31st.

9/5/05 13:37  
Blogger Jdid said...

dave took the money and ran with it. dont give a black man 50 million dollars and ask him to stay creative. lol

9/5/05 18:06  
Blogger solitaire said...

hahahaha I had a good laugh over the Chappelle thing...

At work I tried to find some of the most offensive Chappelle clips and tried to get 'em on air. The announcer that I was cojinxing with is a middle aged white man who LOVES Chappelle's Show. But alas, we couldn't put 'em on air. Good thing - I ain't about to lose my job!!

9/5/05 21:27  
Anonymous Lee said...

you may have made it up, summer, but i remember chapelle saying he had a couple sitcom pilots turned down for what amounted to those same reasons. with one, he was told it was because there weren't enough white people on the show. his response was, simply, "friends!"

ack. i was already in a bad mood, so i should sign off before i work myself into a rant. i hope that comedy central would value its funniness over its jimmy kimmel fans, but what the hell do i know.

9/5/05 22:51  

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