Monday, June 06, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

where's my rumor, bitch?
forgive me, dear loyal readers, for the delayed posting of the now infamous rumor. but summer m. had to be talked off the top of one of the remaining robert taylor home buildings after hearing that oprah and her "book club" have decided to spend the summer reading faulkner.

she is trying to kill me.

but now, without further delay...

fda approves race changing surgery (shout out to saf)

in a scary case of life imitating art (see george shuyler's work), the fda has finally approved a race changing surgery. beginning in january 2006, this process will be available at several hospitals throughout the u.s. quite popular in europe for the past 15 years (rumor has it that michael jackson was part of one of the early european test trials), race changing is being compared to a sex change. 'for a while now we've known that there are people who believed that they had been born the wrong gender, and surgical technology has allowed us to alleviate that problem,' one doctor said. though african americans passing as white, and white people enamored with all things black have never been a secret, we are now finally able to permanently alter one's race through surgical technology.'

the surgery, generally known as melanization, is the final step in a long process that can take years. persons seeking the surgery must undergo at least six months of psychiatric counseling, and the doctor(s) must submit several letters and sworn statements testifying that the person has in fact shown evidence that he/she was born in the wrong racialized body. depending on one's skin color preference, patients often must undergo the (de)melanization process several times. people often wear body makeup during the periods in between surgeries. along with therapy and surgery, potential patients must undergo tests (such as a musical rhythm test) to further verify whether or not one has been born into the wrong 'race'.

one person, who had undergone the process from going white to black says, 'despite being born a white male, i'd always felt something like a 7 seventh son. like i had been born with this veil around me. yet at the same time, this veil made me feel as if i could see more. like i had a second sight, some sort of double consciousness. i talked to my other white friends about this, and they just looked at me like i was crazy. but now that i'm black, i feel so much more at home. when i was a kid, i used to steal my mother's make up and put on a black face. but with this surgery, i know what it's really like to wear the mask. plus, my adoration of a plump female ass is embraced, and not considered weird.'

another former patient, a woman who went from black to white, had this to say, 'i used to try to scrub the black off of me when i took a bath. i'd tried every fading cream under the sun until this opportunity to make a permanent change came along. i don't feel so self-conscious when i eat hummus or wear birkenstocks. i truly feel like the weight of the world has been lifted.

prices do vary depending on surgery--it costs less to become black (esp. if the patient is a male between the ages of 18-25 as one's life expectancy is much lower); it is most expensive to become white. all other race changes fall somewhere in between--except if one wishes to become native american. sources say those numbers are too low to appear on the pricing chart.

though thousands of african americans (including condoleezza rice, clarence thomas, and tiger woods to name a few) have signed up for the de-melanization process, only teena marie and robert deniro have applied to become fully melanized. as of yet, no one has signed up to become asian.

excuse me while i go commit a crime on one of america's most beloved living icons.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Blogger Morcy said...

This post beat me to the punch... I was gonna add a comment to your book tag post asking you how you'd be spending the "Summer of Faulkner," as I'd just read about it on amazon, trying to steal the cover .jpg of the new Coldplay album.

6/6/05 23:53  
Blogger mwilli said...

Awww c'mon summer, black face?, hummus? and friggin birkenstocks? oh my gawwwd this is so ridiculously funny. i laughed so hard, i had to refrain from peeing my pants (don't worry, i made it to the toilet).

7/6/05 00:10  
Blogger Nick Davis said...

"Hummus" was funny. Really funny.

But "Teena Marie" made me choke on my own laughter.

7/6/05 03:52  
Blogger Jdid said...

'plus, my adoration of a plump female ass is embraced, and not considered weird.'

you've done it again! another classic

7/6/05 09:44  
Blogger btrfly_locs said...

I was waiting to hear your response to Oprah's summer reading choice...knowing how much you "love" Faulkner and all.

7/6/05 09:55  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew you could do more with this rumor than I could. Good show.

7/6/05 13:21  
Blogger Miss Jessi said...

I love it!!

7/6/05 13:57  
Blogger Rob said...

That was the best of the rumors...and believeable on the strength of Jacko being an early European experiment :)

8/6/05 02:45  

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