Monday, July 11, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

confused bush nominates wynonna, reinhold for the supreme court

in another adorable misstep this morning, our beloved president, george dubya bush nominated wynonna for the supreme court position vacated by newly-retired justice, sandra day o'connor during his monday morning news conference. notifying reporters that this speech was one that he'd 'made it up all by myself,' our pal dubya took the podium with an air of confidence the american public hadn't seen since he'd "wiped his boots on the face of that damn yankee" last november.

his statement began pleasantly enough, extending more condolences to the people of london, and even telling a joke or two about the bet awards he and condoleezza rice had caught last week. but when he got down to business, things took an embarrassingly humorous turn.

'it is with great pleasure that i reveal to the american public my nomination to replace justice o'connor,' the president said. ' she and me have known each other a long, long time. we used to drink moonshine and talk about our grandpappies. she's a top-notch singer, and can hold her liquor with the best of 'em. it is with great pleasure that i nominate wynonna for the supreme court. i'da picked one of the others, but her mother's [naomi] retired from the business and her sister ashley is making a movie right now. besides, i think she's the best judd there is.'

a bit stunned with his announcement, bush advisers quickly pulled the prez aside to consult with him. he returned to the podium, ostensibly amused with his own mistake. 'seems i made a mistake,' he laughed. 'all this time i thought i was supposed to be nominating a judd, not a judge.' he stood there silently for a moment, apparently thinking. 'well what about that one fella?' he asked both his advisers and reporters. 'you know, the one that was kinda big in the 80s--was in beverly hills cop? what's his name?'

'judge reinhold?' a reporter guessed.

'yeah, him. what about him?'

'well, mr. president, he's an actor,' another newsperson offered.

'but his name is judge.'

'actually, mr. president, that's a nickname. his real name is edward, i believe.'

'oh. well, i'll have to get back to you on this nomination thing. now if you'll excuse me i need to make water.'

ahh...the american public laughs, shrugs and simply says, 'that's our george!'

other top stories

winfrey chastises live 8 for exclusion
less than a month after having her crash moment with the parisian luxury store, hermes, media mogul oprah winfrey is calling her exclusion from the live 8 activites her imitation of life moment.

though there is no word yet if winfrey will discuss this apparent snub on her talk show during the fall season, winfrey did release a statement through her publicist, 'her exclusion from the live 8 festivities brings ms. winfrey immense sadness. though she is not a musician, ms. winfrey has o magazine south africa, and is currently building a school there. if those entities and the extremely large diamonds in her ears prove anything, it's that ms. winfrey is just as --if not more so--invested in and (feeling) guilty of white patriarchy than anyone with the right skin color and/or genitalia.'

there is no word yet if bob geldof and the gang plan to (bitch up and) apologize to ms. winfrey.

in a related story

jolie to be new face of old country buffet
hollywood hottie (and a fave of this blogger), angelina jolie has recently agreed to represent old country buffet in its autumn ad campaign. the national restaurant chain approached jolie last week, after the adoption of her ethiopian aid baby was finalized.

though the details of the deal weren't released, sources did confirm that jolie would say something in the realm of, 'eventually, my family will be a smorgasbord. at old country buffet, you family can eat at a smorgasbord.'

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Blogger Harold Gibson said...

Damn Summer, I spilled coffee all over my desk laughing at the new Bush nominees. that was too funny. However you did forget to mention that mama judd upon hearing the news and the subsequent retraction reacted violently. "That cocaine snorting nitwit, doesn't he know I ain't retired, hell I just finished doing star search, and if I could keep arsenic in his place I sho can handle clarence anyway Wynnona is too damn fat."

11/7/05 15:54  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ummm, is Harold trying to take your job, Summer?

11/7/05 17:06  
Blogger Jdid said...

lol, the bush one was the ish

11/7/05 19:42  
Blogger Nick Davis said...

I love these triple threats!!! I swear my neighbors think I am a hyena. All three of these were total genius.

Only thing is we heard different news about the judicial appointments. I've got anonymous sources, but I can't reveal them. I'll cough up the story I've been working on this weekend, though.

11/7/05 21:16  
Blogger mwilli said...

you are a sick, sick person, but funny as hell. where the hell do you come up with these?

11/7/05 22:03  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is too too funny...even the conservatives in my office had to have a laugh at this one...good job babe!!! THIS IS TOO FUNNY!!

11/7/05 22:18  

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