(start a rumor monday...)

oprah channels vivian ward**: 'they wouldn't let me shop.'

mon dieu. those french. just when freedom fries once again become french fries, they go and snub america's favorite mammy.

for those of you out of the entertainment loop, hermes, a luxury store in paris, recently apologized to media mama, oprah winfrey for not allowing her into the store after closing. according to reports, store employees denied winfrey and her crew entrance when they arrived 15 minutes after the store closed. employees were preparing the store for a private public relations event, when winfrey and crew appeared after regular business hours.

though winfrey plans to talk about what she has called her, 'crash moment' when her talk show resumes taping in the fall, fecundmellow caught up with winfrey and her lover, er, uh, best friend gayle king earlier this week.

can i have a million dollars?
oprah winfrey: no.

it was worth a shot. so, ms. winfrey according to reports, you showed up at hermes after the store closed. why were you there?
ow: i had planned to have dinner with tina turner [clink!] that evening, so i went to hermes in hopes of getting her a gift.
gayle king: she wanted to buy her a watch.

you showed up more than fifteen minutes after a store closed to buy tina turner a watch? that's ironic. what happened next?
ow: the security guard told me, oprah winfrey [clink!] that the store was closed and that i, oprah winfrey [clink!] could...not...enter. so i told the security guard what my friend maya angelou [clink!] once told me, 'only the black woman can say "when and where i enter" in the quiet, undisputed dignity of my womanhood.'

that's anna julia cooper, but i digress. what happened then?
gk: he went and got the manager. she's a black woman, and she told us when and where we could enter: at that same entrance tomorrow during regular business hours.
ow: i was offended and appalled.

and you've described this ordeal as your crash [cha-ching!] moment. what do you mean by that?
ow: i mean to say that i believe i was discriminated against because of my skin color.

when's the last time you felt that black?
ow: this morning when i was breast-feeding julia roberts' twins.

**crickets**
helllloooo nurse!! and it couldn't have been anything else?
ow/gk: like what?

like the fact that the store was already closed.
ow: but i'm oprah winfrey [clink!]. it's not like it was somebody like...you.

well, did you have your face on? i mean, you have on no makeup right now, and let's be frank, without some serious plaster, you don't really look like oprah winfrey. matter fact, right now you're so ugly, if i woke up in bed next to you and couldn't remember the night before, i'd pray to god for ashton kutcher to jump out of the closet and tell me i'd just been punk'd.
ow: i did not have on any makeup, if that's what you're asking.

so you didn't look like the oprah on tv?
gk: that's a possibility.

so then there is the possibility that you looked like some random ass black chick trying to get into a store?
ow: did john travolta [clink!] tell you you could use his nickname for me?

random ass black chick?
ow: yes.

right. so lemme get this straight, the most horrible moment in your life is when you were denied entrance into a store that was already closed because the management didn't recognize you as oprah winfrey, but some random ass black chick trying to get into a store she prolly couldn't afford anyway?
gk: that's not the point.
ow: it was a powerful moment for me, for all of us. my friend tom cruise [clink!] said he was 'just shocked' when he heard the news. he has a black son, you know.

ok. i won't press it. let's move on. i'd like to get some facts straight. ms. winfrey, you were born in what year?
ow: 1954.

where?
ow: kosciusko, mississippi. i was a poor...black...girl...i came from nothing. believe me, i know poverty. and like my friend maya angelou [clink!] has said time and time again, 'i know why the caged bird sings.'

so you were born a poor black girl in mississippi during jim crow, and not being able to buy tina 'i'm from nutbush, tennessee but have some crazy european accent' turner a super expensive watch because you showed up after the store was closed the most humiliating experience in your entire life?
ow: like i said, it was a crash [cha-ching!] moment for me. such blatant discrimination. don't you think so, audience?

there's no audience, ms. winfrey.
ow: sorry. bad habit.

and this is (one of) your most humiliating experiences? ever?
ow/gk: undoubtedly.

you're calling this racism?
ow: what else could it have been?

the fact that the store was closed? i mean, granted, one could logically say that the reason why you showed up 15 minutes after the store was closed was because you were on cpt [colored people's time], which would then make it an issue of race. but that's a bit of a stretch. you sure you're not just shitty because your divaness was not immediately recognizable?
ow: i'm oprah winfrey [clink!].

get the fuck outta here!...i apologize for that outburst, ms. winfrey. please, excuse my french. **laughs hysterically**
ow: you know, your interviewing skills are deplorable. star jones could interview a mute and have a better go of it.

do you and star sometimes switch significant others to see if either (stedman and al) can tell if they've been tricked?
gk: this interview is over.

beloved sucked, miss sofia.**


**vivian ward is the name of the character julia roberts played in pretty woman.
**miss sofia is the name of the character oprah winfrey played in the color purple.

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what have the chix gotten into now?


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