(start a rumor monday...)
in 14 hundred and ninety-two, columbus sailed the ocean blue

a large segment of the american population is descending on washington d.c. today, and it's not to protest george "dub-ya" bush's latest act of cronyism. instead, activists have come to the nation's capital to protest the celebration of columbus day.

native americans, african americans, "pure" latinos, and people who have suffered from syphillis have united to form the forces united against celebrating killers and global expansion masked as "discovery" or f.u.c.k.e.d. for short. the coalition is in washington d.c. lobbying for the elimination of columbus day.

"we believe the recognition of christopher columbus' so-called 'discovery' of the new world is a perpetual disrespect to people of color and those who have suffered from the s.t.i., syphillis," one spokesperson said during a rally near the lincoln memorial. "we're here to let the president and other members of our government know that we are willing to fight until columbus day is removed from both our calendars and our colonized minds. we didn't land on plymouth rock! plymouth rock landed on us!"**

"columbus didn't land on plymouth rock you friggin' idiot," said someone from a crowd protesting the protesters. "i mean, it's not even a real, true blue holiday! sure, you get a white sale here and there, maybe no payments and no interest on a sectional until october 2008, but i still have to take my goddamn kids to school!" members of f.u.c.k.e.d. were undeterred by such verbal rage, however.

"it doesn't matter. they can protest our protest. but we will not rest until the second monday in october is no longer known as columbus day." this statement was met by cheers from the f.u.c.k.e.d. crowd.

though most of the f.u.c.k.e.d. coalition wants to simply refer to it as just another manic monday, certain radicals in the group want to rename the the second monday in october. instead of columbus day, a small faction of f.u.c.k.e.d. wants to change the name of the holiday from "columbus day," to "we wish the world had been flat that day day." though these members of f.u.c.k.e.d. have yet to garner major support within the group, news of their proposed renaming of the holiday did reach the president. he mentioned members of f.u.c.k.e.d. after saying the following about harriet miers, his most recent nominee to the supreme court.**

"with my reelection last november, i earned political capital, and i intend to spend it, and right now, i'm spending it up on harriet miers, ya dig? the truth about my crony, she's a sweet ol' girl," dub-ya said. "about the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world. and i'm sure the rest of the united states will soon see what i mean. harriet miers is my crony and my crony is so right. i think she'll be a justice for the rest of her life."** dub-ya concluded, "and tell those f.u.c.k.e.d. people to go screw themselves. it's dub-ya and i'm out this bitch. 5000."

in a seemingly unrelated note, el presidente is heading back to the gulf coast to mingle with the poor black folk for the eighth time since hurricane katrina hit.

notes (or, as nick likes to call them, cliffs notes for white people):
**"we didn't land on plymouth rock..." a line from the spike lee joint, malcolm x.
**"the truth about my crony..." is a swipe from the song, "roni," performed by my main nig, bobby beresford brown.