Monday, October 10, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)
in 14 hundred and ninety-two, columbus sailed the ocean blue

a large segment of the american population is descending on washington d.c. today, and it's not to protest george "dub-ya" bush's latest act of cronyism. instead, activists have come to the nation's capital to protest the celebration of columbus day.

native americans, african americans, "pure" latinos, and people who have suffered from syphillis have united to form the forces united against celebrating killers and global expansion masked as "discovery" or f.u.c.k.e.d. for short. the coalition is in washington d.c. lobbying for the elimination of columbus day.

"we believe the recognition of christopher columbus' so-called 'discovery' of the new world is a perpetual disrespect to people of color and those who have suffered from the s.t.i., syphillis," one spokesperson said during a rally near the lincoln memorial. "we're here to let the president and other members of our government know that we are willing to fight until columbus day is removed from both our calendars and our colonized minds. we didn't land on plymouth rock! plymouth rock landed on us!"**

"columbus didn't land on plymouth rock you friggin' idiot," said someone from a crowd protesting the protesters. "i mean, it's not even a real, true blue holiday! sure, you get a white sale here and there, maybe no payments and no interest on a sectional until october 2008, but i still have to take my goddamn kids to school!" members of f.u.c.k.e.d. were undeterred by such verbal rage, however.

"it doesn't matter. they can protest our protest. but we will not rest until the second monday in october is no longer known as columbus day." this statement was met by cheers from the f.u.c.k.e.d. crowd.

though most of the f.u.c.k.e.d. coalition wants to simply refer to it as just another manic monday, certain radicals in the group want to rename the the second monday in october. instead of columbus day, a small faction of f.u.c.k.e.d. wants to change the name of the holiday from "columbus day," to "we wish the world had been flat that day day." though these members of f.u.c.k.e.d. have yet to garner major support within the group, news of their proposed renaming of the holiday did reach the president. he mentioned members of f.u.c.k.e.d. after saying the following about harriet miers, his most recent nominee to the supreme court.**

"with my reelection last november, i earned political capital, and i intend to spend it, and right now, i'm spending it up on harriet miers, ya dig? the truth about my crony, she's a sweet ol' girl," dub-ya said. "about the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world. and i'm sure the rest of the united states will soon see what i mean. harriet miers is my crony and my crony is so right. i think she'll be a justice for the rest of her life."** dub-ya concluded, "and tell those f.u.c.k.e.d. people to go screw themselves. it's dub-ya and i'm out this bitch. 5000."

in a seemingly unrelated note, el presidente is heading back to the gulf coast to mingle with the poor black folk for the eighth time since hurricane katrina hit.

notes (or, as nick likes to call them, cliffs notes for white people):
**"we didn't land on plymouth rock..." a line from the spike lee joint, malcolm x.
**"the truth about my crony..." is a swipe from the song, "roni," performed by my main nig, bobby beresford brown.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Anonymous ~eLLe~ said...

hey there summer!!!! how you been? hope all is well in your world. i'm chillin' tryna maintain. u know how i try to do. thanks for the educational post on columbus day. u are TOO on point sometimes it's SCARY!

10/10/05 14:41  
Blogger a. said...

You make me laugh. LOL@using Bobby's whole name.

10/10/05 15:15  
Blogger Jdid said...

nice one

10/10/05 17:22  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have only 3 words...leave Columbus alone...he didn't do anything wrong. He was scared and desparate and like black people, full of debt. If he went back to Spain with nothing his creditors would of had his ass, so he had to make this shit up that he "discovered new land" to make the man look good. I may be wrong on every level, but like us black folks Chris was just doing the best he could to get by with what little resources provided to him. I may be full of shit, but somebody gotta stick up for the nigga. Keep ya head up Chris, I got cha' back.

Your homey for life,


10/10/05 18:58  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

Only you sum-sum could find a way to mesh Harriet on my knees, sucking (up to) Bush and Chris, on my knees sucking (all over) Isabella together in honor of that great american non holiday. While adding Bobby to mix.Thank you for showing us that nothing is impossible in the blogsphere.

10/10/05 19:41  
Blogger Hollambeeee said... one is soooooooooooooooo great...especially the white sale/no payments or interest bit...


10/10/05 19:57  
Blogger Clay said...

glad to see someone metioned the horror of this holiday!!!

10/10/05 22:31  
Blogger Phoenix said...

i agree with blu. we're all doing the best we can with the tools that we have.

at the same time, umm...bringing disease, murder, rape, pillage, starvation, destruction, genocide, aculturation, slavery, assimiliation, religious imperialism, a new model for self-hatred, standardized oppression and human commodification really can't be justified. this is why i choose not to celebrate columbus' lost ass on any day.

11/10/05 08:21  
Blogger Adam J. said...

This is off topic. But I think I recall that you were working on space or place in 20th-century lit? And anyway just today I heard about an anthropologist whose book on what she calls "the space of culture" is supposed to be really good: Kathleen Stewart, A Space on the Side of the Road. And she'll be here in a couple weeks to talk about her new book, Ordinary Affects. If interested I can forward you the details.

11/10/05 11:56  
Blogger Amadeo said...

I say let's celebrate it. I'm getting a flag made...I'm going to stick in the lawn of a home in the hamptons, claim it, take their stuff and then start moving my family in to the neighbors homes. Happy Columbus get out!

11/10/05 14:30  
Blogger chase said...

theres a book called "things my teacher never told me".... Ole CC didn't just "dicover" a land that was already inhabited, but he killed whole tribes of people...
i hate cc day, and i'm SO glad that here in GA they dont keep kids out of school because of it.xzgqoj

11/10/05 15:10  
Blogger AKL said...

yo ass is crazy as hell.

11/10/05 19:40  
Blogger Nick Davis said...

Once you've had a crony, you won't never give her up! I didn't need the Cliff's, summer, but I'm glad the term has caught on! I'm gonna pull up the CV in a minute and add "Contributed slang term to fecundmellow blog" under Honors and Awards. Drop a bomb in those job apps.

I'm applying for a position at Northwestern, btw... your blogs are luring me to Chicago!

12/10/05 16:39  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going to come like your first grade teacher: keep up the good work. I'd give you a gold star for being funny as fuck if I could.

13/10/05 18:03  

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