Thursday, December 22, 2005

the sum-n-saf half take 4: holiday edition.
this one's a two-fer. first we offer reflections on
being bobby brown: christmas with the browns. and second, sum-n-saf present: how to get through a black family christmas without getting cut.

reflections on being bobby brown:

  • just when you thought whitney's wig couldn't get worse, she hits you again with that shit on tilt. nippy lookin' like she kept her wig on from the bet 25 show and/or a hurricane katrina victim. sum-n-saf say: whitney got a holiday pass from rehab. she needs 8 more weeks to get that sexy all the way right.
  • bobbi kris suffers from acute hilary banks syndrome. note: how to spot a black girl with hbs: blue eye shadow, unstyled weave, avuncular speech pattern, and she brings that one white friend to all the family functions.
  • bobbi kris is on her nicole richie: slowly withering down to a wizened white woman.
  • note to white people: even when you are singing christmas carols as best you can (i.e. pronouncing all of your vowels, and ensuring your mouth remains in that "o" shape), black people will add a beat and dance.
  • despite rehab bobby and nippy still got their choreography down. now that's love. black love. for dat ass.
  • good to see bobby freed himself from his shoe.
  • despite bobby's example, DO NOT TELL KIDS THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS. black people need something to believe in besides the makiavelli theory, r. kelly's innocence, and that magic johnson actually has aids.

and now...

how to get through a black family christmas without getting cut (or shot)

by sum-n-saf, your resident race women.
  1. do not bring your new girlfriend to christmas dinner if you know your sister (or your mama) invited your baby's mama.
  2. do not invite your brother's (or son's) baby's mama to christmas dinner.
  3. if you've gained ten lbs. since last christmas, you're going to be asked when you're due. don't get mad. get a diet.
  4. if you and your boyfriend have been together for more than three years, folks is gonna grab your left hand, see the ring finger still has no bling, and walk away without saying a damn thing.
  5. do not come out while your reverend uncle with the arsenio hall as reverend brown in coming to america jheri curl is cutting the ham. your ass will get stabbed with the ginsu knife he is using to slice the holiday swine.
  6. your christmas budget for lil man should not exceed your rent. folks on public assistance are not exempt from this rule.
  7. in order to help you with number five: infants cannot play with toys.
  8. infants also don't need jordans. that's why they asses be flat-footed and shit.
  9. you need to purchase your secret santa gift before christmas. telling your cousin you got him/her on the 15th is not acceptable.
  10. compliment your auntie on her three-dimensional, multi-fabric christmas sweater.
  11. regifting is only allowed on a two year rotation; do not give someone the gift they gave you. that's just bad manners.
  12. do not buy one play station for all the kids--especially if you're gonna be the one playing it. buy the chirruns their own gifts, please.
  13. keep the kids away from uncle chester.
  14. keep the kids away from your cousin tyrone's jacket. one of them will get shot.
  15. keep your crackhead cousin away from the gifts.
  16. how to avoid violence at your christmas dinner:no card games; no dominoes; no dozens, cracking, jonin', etc.; make sure the above mentioned cousin tyrone's car is sandwiched between two others, and keep the drapes drawn. your shit will get shot up if niggas drive by and recognize his vanity plate on the cutlass (that's midwest right thurr, nigga).
  17. make sure big mama made the potato salad (kings of comedy swipe).
  18. make sure (grand)daddy gets the big piece of chicken (chris rock swipe).
  19. pick two meats. ham, chicken, turkey, and ribs is completely and utterly unnecessary.
  20. only one pig side item, please.
  21. and while we're speaking of the swine, no more than 2 disgusting delicacies, please. there is really no need for giblets, gizzards, pig's feet, and chitterlings. really, black people, slavery is over. we don't have to eat like that anymore.
  22. do not offer your nation of islam cousin--or his wife, fatima--any of the sides. everybody knows there is a hamhock, bacon grease, or both in everything, including the green bean casserole.
  23. re alcoholic beverages: there is a two drink limit.
  24. even if he ain't put in, give your uncle some crown. he just got paroled after all.
  25. club rules do apply: if you are a rowdy drunk, you will be ejected.
  26. no text messaging during the prayer.
  27. speaking of cell phones, no christmas pictures on them, please. buy a damn camera.
  28. don't try caroling with nigs. they don't know all the words.
  29. and while we're on caroling, do not throw snow balls at the high skool choir who comes to your door. that's just bad christmas etiquette.
  30. if the door to the coat room is closed, that means two people--who shouldn't be--are fucking. or lil man is taking a nap. keep your aforementioned crackhead cousin away from the coat room.
  31. don't nigga rig the christmas lights, especially if the tree is real. if you do, your shit will be dylan.
  32. cover any bald spots in the tree with tinsel.
  33. if you decorate your tree in green and gold, do not, under any circumstances say that green is for money, and gold is for honeys, because that's mad urban contemporary (comma) yo.
until next year, have a sum-n-saf christmas.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison


Anonymous a. said...

I couldn't even watch the entire show.
Why is Whitney's mouth slanting like Bobby's now?! And maybe I was in denial before, but now longer...Whitney was super high on that show last night.

22/12/05 08:25  
Anonymous a. said...

*no longer

and #3 on your list applies to me. I'm trying to build up resistance before Sunday.

22/12/05 08:26  
Blogger Harold Gibson said...

thanks for the advice, but let also add that you should not bring up old stupid crap that you been harboring for a hundert years. So what if your sister slept with your boyfriend and your husband and now is knockin da boots and tea baggin your man. Get over it. Bring it up this year and you is gettin cut.

22/12/05 10:42  
Blogger Phoenix said...

you know i ain't about to comment on that bobby brown madness but i will say that other list was hillarious. (truth be told, so was the first one, but i ain't about to say allat.)

have a good weekend.

22/12/05 12:29  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nigga, I added some more witty repartee (is that how you spell that shit?) to the list and a hilarious picture at the end (You are going to love that shit, trust me) when I posted the SNSH on my shit. Check it out like Grand Puba and tell me what you think.

22/12/05 15:31  
Blogger Miss Jessi said...

Like I told Saf, I'm printing this jawn and posting it on my door for the fam to read before they even step foot in my house... rules is rules, damnit...

22/12/05 17:23  
Anonymous bunny said...

This ish had me rolling fo sho. I also meant to comment on baby jeezy too. I'm bookmarking you and saf as favs. Yall is sick in a good way!!

22/12/05 19:35  
Blogger summer m. said...

@a: hell to the yeah she was.

@harold: any information you learned while being my intern cannot be used against me at a later date!!!!

@phoenix: despite your sensibilities, thanx for reading. btw, i'm still scraping vomit off my tv screen.

@saf: i peeped that shit. mad dylan (comma) yo.

@miss jessi: word up. rules is rules.

@bunny: thanx for the add. feel free to put in your two cents whenever you feel moved to do so.

22/12/05 20:45  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loved the list, esp. no. 16. But you missed the one about sneaking your other cousin in and out the house 'cause he has warrants out on him.

22/12/05 21:53  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what in the hell is "comma"?

this one chick

24/12/05 02:14  

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