(start a rumor monday...)


black history month moved to january

31. january.2005--in an unfortunate mix up, unbeknownst to many, black history month had been moved to january, but details surrounding this change had been held up due to "glitches" in certain governmental legislation hastily passed by the house in the wake of the 9/11 attacks.

in june of 2004, dr. rand m. blackman, professor of africana studies at temple university, wrote and attempted to widely distribute an email notification that black history month would be moved from february to january. a copy of this email was obtained by fecundmellow:

from: blackman@colrdpplstym.com
to: undisclosed recipients

re: black history month

body: Peace and Blessings Brothers and Sisters,
In order to give our Forebearers the appropriate reverence they undoubtedly deserve, we intend to celebrate Black History Month in January, beginning in 2005.

In the name of Mother Africa,
Dr. Rand M. Blackman

of this decision blackman--known by many as kwame shabazz-- said, "other black intellectuals and i felt it necessary to move black history month from february to january--a month with all 31 days. it is not an accident that black history month has been consistently relegated to the shortest month in the entire calendar year. we will stand for it no longer. it takes 31 days to celebrate the accomplishments and successes of the glorious black man in this bablyon you all call the united states of america. (please spell america with three k's, sister summer)."

"well, professor blackman shabazz, it was my understanding that the reason why black history month has been continuously celebrated in february is because black history week (started by carter g. woodson) had been in february. when the week became so popular it was immediately expanded to a month. since the week had been in february, it simply seemed appropriate to keep the month-long celebration in february."

"can't you see, sister summer?" blackman replied, "that's what the white man wants you to think. the black man deserves 31 days, and the black man shall get 31 days."

most of the public did not know of this change until today, which is, since it is the last day of january, too late. the mass email that professor blackman sent in june to notify the (african american) public of the change had been intercepted and examined by the government, thereby limiting the number of people who actually received the email notification. it seems that the words "black" "history" and "month" tipped off government officials, who have taken the last three months to examine the content of the email, and verify whether or not it was the work of terrorists.

it should also be noted, however, that the delay was not entirely the government's fault. it seems that professor blackman's email provider, colrdpplstym.com, an african american owned and operated website, was about 3 months late in actually dispersing the email to its intended recipients. (at the time of the publication of this blog entry, no representative at colrdpplstym.com was available to comment. according to the company's voicemail, all executive are currently still at lunch.)

despite this time lag, it seems more than frightening that such an email was held up in the government's bureaucratic red tape for so long. one of these monitors--as they liked to be called--was willing to speak to fecundmellow, though he asks that his name be witheld. "listen, perhaps we did drop the ball on this one, but it's better to be safe than sorry. the words 'black' 'history' and 'month' combined with the fact that this email was sent to undisclosed recipients sparked our attention. the fact remains, you may have gotten the email late, but you got the email. maybe you all can celebrate next year."

"actually, sir, i still have yet to receive a copy of professor blackman's email. and i send emails to undisclosed recipients all the time. i always thought that was a common practice. what's the big deal?"

"the email was sent to all black people, and if you're black you should have received it by now. as for the emails to undisclosed recipients, we're watching your ass, too."

despite the mix-up, professor blackman and his colleagues were able to hold several celebrations earlier this month, and fortunately report no drop in attendance. "despite this country's attempt to thwart our efforts, we were able to successfully hold celebrations. the same number of black people who showed up to our events in february of 2004 showed up in january of 2005. just goes to show that you can't keep a black man down."

that it does. that it does.

(i still have yet to receive this email.)

(start a rumor monday)

in honor of dr. martin luther king, bush integrates coffee


in response to a reporter's question concerning how he intended to celebrate the martin luther king, jr. holiday during this morning's conference on the white house lawn, president bush responded, "of course i intend to honor the life and work of martin luther king. why, i intend to watch coming to america this evening with laura and the twins--you know that barber in the movie said he met dr. king once. and just this morning, i interrogated my coffee. and you know what? it was really delectable." he chuckled, "as i like to tell cunnilingus, i mean, condoleeza rice, there's nothing wrong with sticking some cream in your coffee every now and then."

as is their practice, another reporter quickly chimed in over the yells of his counterparts, "well mr. president, are you going to in any way take this day as an opportunity to address some of the issues that continue to plague african americans and other persons of color despite king's noble work?"

"listen, we have to take this one step at a time. this is hard work. take baby steps and continue to work hard." he added, "i know that there are rumors out there on the internetsss saying that i'm going to interrogate the country in my second term. but it's all lies. maybe one day black people and white people will lawfully be allowed to live, eat, work and play together; maybe one day there will even be black cabinet members. but not on my watch."

"but mr. president, lawfully black and white people can do those things, and you've already had several persons of color as members of your cabinet," a reporter mentioned.

"i have? oh. well, what are black people complaining about?" he earnestly inquired. "if it's not enough that i put cream in my coffee this morning, then i apologize for frying all those niggers while i was govenor of texas. now if you'll excuse me, i have some presidential things to do. 9/11, 9/11, 9/11. god bless america, and nobody else."

and with that, this morning's white house press conference ended.

(start a rumor monday)

ashlee: simpson no more


10. january. 2005--ashlee simpson has had a tough last six months. it seems as if she's damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't. not only has her older sister, jessica simpson, gotten even more popular, but young ashlee just can't seem to give the people what they want.

her troubles began when she was caught lip syncing during her saturday night live musical performance. but just last week, during her half time performance at the orange bowl, simpson was booed for--get this--singing live. if her solo country hodown and abrupt exit during the snl performance is any indicator, simpson does not respond well to adversity. as a result of the orange bowl trauma, simpson is taking drastic measures to save her young career:

she's dropping her last name.

though her debut album, autobiography has done quite well, ashlee still feels the need to solidify her own independent public persona. "i just really need to establish myself as something other than jessica simpson's younger sister. dying my hair black and making rock music just doesn't seem to be working." she continued, "look, i just feel like there are too many simpsons out there for me to really make my mark as my own person, so i'm no longer performing under the name ashlee simpson. there's my sister, there's the simpsons, there's oj simpson, and there's that one group with the ugly black guy with long, gross hair."

"ashford and simpson?"

"yeah, them."

when asked about her father, manager joe simpson felt about such a move, ashlee scoffed, "i know everyone probably thinks that because my [older] sister [jessica simpson] pledged her virginity to him that he'd, like, be all mad and stuff. but like, god. isn't it obvious that he like totally doesn't love me? he lets me walk around with this nose for goodness sake."

when asked if she'd decided on a new stage name, the former ashlee simpsonwas reflective, "i was thinking of like doing the whole prince thing and going by 'the artist formerly known as jessica simpson's younger, uglier sister' or something like that. but that like totally defeats the purpose, you know? so i was thinking of maybe just going by my first name. "

"but ashlee, what about the crop of young female singers that also perform under first names only? like beyonce, ashanti, and jo jo?"

"those girls like totally sing pop music, and i'm not into that mainstrem thing. plus, beyonce's like totally dumber than my sister. besides," she added, "aren't they, like, black?"

touche, ashlee.

though i hate to be the one to have to tell you...oprah is evil


so check it, the bedroom of my parents' house where i slept over the holidays had a copy of o magazine on the nightstand. i think it was from maybe april of '04 (it had a gold and green cover, and the feature story was on bono). anyway, i'm flipping through it one night looking at the articles and features and whatnot. i guess the theme of this particular issue was time management, and making one's busy schedule less hectic. i'm scanning through one of these articles which features an african woman. it's basically going through her day--like she's up at six, drops her kid off at skool by nine, you know, shit like that. there are little pictures of her doing these things. so there's a little picture of her obviously talking with a colleague in front of a computer. here's the thing: this woman is some sort of editor for o magazine south africa.

hold up!!!!! wait a minute!!!!

o, south africa?

yeah, dude. apparently there's an o south africa. hence, i must come to the conclusion that oprah is evil.

follow me? ok, i'll explain more.

on her show, oprah has been putting her humanitarian efforts in south africa on blast: partying with nelson mandela and beyonce; hugging and kissing lil african kids like she's a politician; and, get this, opening up a skool. now if you watch her show and listen to her rhetoric, you'd think she was doing this simply to be the best oprah she could be. what the fuck ever. this bitch is evil. see...i figure she gotta jesus christ complex mixed with a lil rockefeller.

she's trying to save the african continent to create more consumers. she's a media colonizer. this chick is creating her own brand new demographic. in the u.s., she has the white, middle-class, suburban soccer mom in her pocket, so she hits up africa like she's mining for the diamonds she rocks in her ears. (yeah ms. winfrey, lil african children were maimed so that you could bling.) but nobody thinks about this shit b/c e'rybody is just like, 'well because of oprah, the african women aren't being raped by scary black men (remember that show?), and nobody's running around with spears and loin cloths.' ok great. so now they get to go to skool so that they can learn to read o magazine, and consume all of oprah's favorite things? and folks let her get away with this shit b/c she's played that 'i'm a poor black girl from jim crow mississippi' shit so perfectly.

i know i'm ranting and not making any sense. but forgive me, there is something that made me immensely uncomfortable when i discovered that there was an o south africa.

maybe i'm just a hater. i tell you what, though: if i'm ever a oprah's book club selection, i never had this blog.

(start a rumor monday...)

u(r)sher says, 'like mike...if i could be like mike.'



3.january.2005--usher, r&b's biggest star in 2004 admits that he's a beat biter and dope style taker. "this is my confession," he says, "i want to be michael jackson."

at first glance, one would think usher was trying to be a chocolate justin timberlake. like jt, usher's first single was a club banger produced by the hottest (southern) producer at the time. both follow-up singles were ballads scarily reflecting the crooners' love life and recent break up with "singers" (that term used quite loosely for both britney spears and tlc's rozonda "chili" thomas) with celebrity status on the decline.

but unlike timberlake, who seemed to step back from the public eye before he got too overexposed, usher seems to be telling the public that he's gonna keep on (don't stop til you get enough). the hardest working man in show business had a big year in '04 releasing both confessions and a remix album. to put him over the top, the grammy-nominated usher released a video that aired in its entirety on new year's eve a la michael jackson. unlike the gloved one, however, usher had to make sure the video debuted during an actual event. the world premiere of jackson's videos were events in and of themselves.

"i'm steadily working my way up to where mike was in his prime by literally copying his every move," usher comments. "look. he moonwalks, i glide. he has 'the way you make me feel' i have 'you remind me.' he had 'human nature' i have 'confessions'. he had 'i just can't stop loving you' with siedah garret. i have 'my boo' with alicia keys. he took brooke shields out, i rocked naomi campbell on my arm." he finally added with a chuckle, "can't nobody tell me that my video that premiered (this past) new year's eve didn't remind you of a less impressive and cheaper version of 'smooth criminal.' i am (the next) michael jackson."

when asked if he planned any major face altering plastic surgeries in the near future, usher replied quickly with a simple no. he did add, however, "i tell you one thing. though i probably should, i'm not having my nose done. but my teeth will get whiter and whiter, and i promise you now that these waves in my head will inevitably only be rivaled by those that hit the shores of southern asia during the tsunami."

good to know, usher. good to know.


(i made this up, silly.)