Tuesday, May 31, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)


letourneau says: 'tom paid for our honeymoon'
after marrying her former student, mary kay letourneau and her new hubby, vili fualaau, will honeymoon on the dime of hollywood hunk, tom cruise. it seems that the war of the worlds star heard about the financial difficulties surrounding the letourneau/fualaau marriage, and decided to follow in the footsteps of michael jackson and r. kelly and help out by giving them an all-expense paid honeymoon to australia. sources close to cruise believe his generosity can be traced to his own highly publicized relationship with katie holmes (he's 42, she's 26). cruise has been as giddy as a school-boy during recent televised interviews where he has promoted his new movie, pretended scientology is a religion, and tried to convince the american public that he's not really gay but in fact 'in love' with the 26-year-old he's been dating for three weeks.

though cruise did not come with holmes to the wedding, he did show up....with dakota fanning.

*in best maury voice* 'anikan, you are NOT the father'
moviegoers were surprised to see an alternate ending to the final installment of the star wars saga, episode iii-revenge of the sith. along with witnessing anakin become the now legendary villain, darth vader, star wars geeks across the country were verklempt once they watched padme (**spoiler alert**) admit to anakin that she was not sure if he was the father of her soon-to-be-born baby (luke skywalker). in a maury povich show-esque manner, padme (played by natalie portman) revealed that anakin's wasn't the only light saber she'd been fucking with--literally.

though yoda has been eliminated from the pool of possible baby daddies, mace windu (samuel l. jackson), and jar jar binks (some embarrassment to 'the race') are still possible fathers. apparently padme fucks with the dark side of the force--literally.

oh, and to answer all the emails: that is not the new pope playing darth sidious.

eh. i could be wrong.

beyonce: 'daddy cheated me!'
though it still remains unofficial, rumor has it that beyonce knowles has fired her father, mathew knowles for cheating on her, i mean, her mother, tina knowles. (see saf's blog for further details).

in an unrelated note, kelly rowland is pregnant.

oh, and, some white dude won the indy 500. i'm pretty sure that's not a rumor.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

fecundmellow presents: summer m.'s favorite white women
don't tell minister farrakhan/he don't wanna know what's going on (mighty casey swipe)

the other week, i listed my favorite white men. so in an effort to be fair, i've decided to list my favorite white women.

the golden girls: man, y'all just don't understand how much i love golden girls. nahmix and i often discuss and act out scenes via i.m. and/or in person from our favorite episodes. my mother and i talk about gg during our phone convos as if the show is not in reruns. anyway, i can't say it enough: gg is my favorite tv show of all time. more than roseanne; more than the cosby show; gg is my shit. i've seen every episode, and i still laugh my ass off. i'm talking belly laughs while i'm alone in my living room. they just crack me up, and i don't know why. i find it offensive when people do not see the timeless humor of gg. i'm not saying you have to watch it 4 times a day like i do, i just think you should respect and appreciate the genius of the show. sofia is my favorite character; but i identify most with dorothy. which golden girl are you?

ellen: ellen is my fashion role model. strange, i know. but i am a sneaker whore; it seems like she is, too. my goal in life is to have enough clout to be able to wear jeans and/or sneakers anywhere i go. i admire ellen for accomplishing such a feat. iono why, but she just puts a smile on my face. i watch her while i do my bitch-ass marathon training. she gives me small goals, 'run until she dances'...'run until she finishes with the looky lou'...etc. etc. i'm really glad she's made such a huge comeback. i watch reruns of her sitcom on the oprah network (shhhh. don't tell). and she's also in finding nemo--well, she lends her voice to a character. finding nemo is my shit. finally, i try not to judge a celebrity on his/her public persona and/or behavior, but i do have to say, i think ellen is prolly a super nice person.

flannery o'connor: i was 'converted' to the flannery o'connor club more or less by my girl rrrrachel (wow, two blog shoutouts in a row, homie!). i'd always loved and appreciated her short stories, but rachel really helped me love her even more. she deals with the mysteries in life while simultaneously being super funny. i dig her mucho. besides, i've been using one of her quotes on the side bar of my blog, 'the truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it emotionally.' that's some shit to ponder. f'real.

stevie nicks: stevie nicks is my favorite hippy. i loooooove her voice so much. i swear i play some stevie nicks at least once a week. whether solo or with fleetwood mac, i never get tired of stevie. she's just so dope, man. as a really young kid i loved the song 'gypsy' which stevie wrote. i would later fall in love with 'leather and lace' and 'edge of seventeen'; i love the latter even more since it got used in school of rock (see that shit, please. jack black is funny as hell). not one white chick can really fuck w/ stevie. except maybe carole king--i love her so much i can't even write about her. speaking of carole king, anybody wanna go see her this summer in the chi?

pat summitt: as i've said a gazillion times, i'm from indiana. as a result, basketball ruled my life for a while. when you're a young girl playing ball in the late 80s and early 90s, you watch the tennessee volunteers. you therefore recognize pat summitt as a basketball icon. i met pat summitt once when she was recruiting a local high skool star who happened to live next door to my basketball coach. she was very nice, but her blue eyes were even more intense in person as they were on tv. when i was a freshman in college, i went to mackey arena to see the lady vols take on the purdue lady boilers. in my whole section filled with fans rocking the black and old gold, i was the lone person with a bright orange shirt on. my dedication to pat summitt and the lady vols is that strong. pat summitt don't take no shit; and i dig that a lot. she also has more divison i basketball victories than anybody.

angelina jolie: to put it very bluntly: angelina could get it. i don't know what it is about her (prolly the lips...go figure), but if she ever wanted to take a big ass, broke, so-not-famous, midwestern black chick as a lover, i'm her girl. true, i slept through the first lara croft in the movie theater, and i don't think i've 'seen' any other angelina movie. i therefore cannot speak to her acting talents. i can, however, speak to her sexiness. plus, her son's mohawk rocked.

in a somewhat unrelated note, i was watching ellen and gwen stefani was on singing 'holla back, girl' and i was just telling saf the other day that she [meaning gwen] should do a remix w/ debbie harry (of blondie) because she sounds kinda like her when she raps. like, they could fuse together the music of 'holla back' and 'rapture' and have debbie do some of her verse in the remix. i think it would work. next time you here 'holla back', rap some of the lines of 'rapture' over the track. if you don't know anyway, here are some: fab five freddy told me everybody's fly/dj spinning i said 'my my/flash is fast flash is cool/francois c'est pas flashe non due/an dyou don't stop sure shot/go out to the parking lot...

fecundmellow essentializes regardless of race, color, creed, sex, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, et. al.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, May 23, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

chappelle says, 'it's back to africa, bitches'

dave chappelle is not crazy. at least, that's what he says. after much media speculation concerning the reason for the latest stoppage of the taping of the third season of the highly popular, chappelle's show, chappelle broke his silence concerning rumors that he'd had a nervous breakdown and had gone to south africa for treatment.

'i pulled a flintstone,' he told time magazine. meaning, he needed to take a respite from the demands of his immense fame and popularity. reportedly, chappelle is in south africa with a friend on a spiritual retreat. but fecundmellow caught up with chappelle, and it seems that he's up to much more than that.

so dave, production has yet again stopped on chappelle's show, and you've been in south africa for a while, now. what have you been up to?
like i said before, i ain't crazy, and i ain't smoking crack. i'm in south africa looking for land. with the 50 million i got from the show, i'm gonna buy some ships and some land. we going back to africa, bitches.

who's going back to africa?
black folks. me and you. ethiopia shall stretch forth her wings, nigga. the united states ain't meant for black folks, so i'ma make a way for us to go back. it's gonna be the shit, nigga. beautiful, baby. i'm talking kingdom of zamunda. it's hotter than a muthafucka here, though.

like on some marcus garvey shit?
hell yeah.

and you ain't crazy?

and you ain't smokin'?

hell naw. 'cept this weed. it's some good shit. me and my boy was smoking the other day and it all came together. the black man got to stay black. so we gon' get some ships and shit, and go back to africa.

and you ain't crazy?
naw, bitch damn. how come when bono and oprah went to africa they got a big ass welcome like she had just given birth to simba or some shit, but a nigga come to africa and he got to be crazy?

touche. but dave, what about your wife and children? your wife is asian and your children are biracial. can they go (back) to africa, too?
hell no. it was a moment of weakness. i had succumbed to fetishizing the asian body and shit. i see the error of my ways. besides, the older one thinks nick cannon is hila(aaaa)rious, and i think the younger one look a litle like wesley snipes.** right now, i'm just interested in building with my niggas, and restoring the black man to his glorious past. i got some hebrews building me pyramids right now. i need a beautiful black woman, you feel me? you wouldn't happen to have queen latifah's number, would you?

naw, dog. she kinda mad at me from the last time we talked.
oh word. i read that shit. it was kinda fucked up.

you wanna hit this? [hands me a joint]
no thanks, dave. i think i'll pass.

**wesley snipes allegedly only dates asian women.

btw, all ask fecundmellow questions will be answered manana.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, May 16, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

kels and jacko to play at letourneau wedding reception

after serving more than 7 years in prison for having an illicit "affair" with her then 12-year-old sixth grade math student, mary kay letourneau and her fiance vili fualaau will make there union permanent with nuptials later this month. letourneau has allowed various entertainment news sources access to her wedding plans. the couple recently announced that both r. kelly and michael jackson have agreed to play the letourneau wedding reception for free to show their support for the couple's union.

'vilita and i are very happy and relieved to have such a high caliber of talent playing our wedding,' letourneau said. 'we've had such a difficult time getting this wedding together. it was like a ray of sunshine when the (kelly and jackson's) publicist called to tell us that they planned to play our reception, we were elated.'

it seems that the letourneau-fualaau courtship has been a financially difficult one since letourneau was released from jail. the two 'met' when fualaau was a student in letourneau's class. their sexual relationship was discovered, but not until letourneau became pregnant with their first child. now 43 and 22, the couple has two children. yet since letourneau can no longer teach, the couple has struggled to make ends meet on fualaau's paperboy salary. thus, planning the wedding on a shoestring budget has been quite stressful. the couple has had to rely on the kindness of strangers to put a wedding together. the kelly/jackson reception was quite the pleasant surprise.

though neither artist was available for comment, a representative for both released a brief statement, 'both mr. kelly and mr. jackson empathize with the letourneau-faulaau family, and sincerely hope that their performances bring happiness to their day, and bless their wonderful union.'

it has not yet been revealed who will give leturneau away during the wedding, sources close to the couple say roman polanski may slip back into the u.s. to do the duty.**

leturneau is registered with target, jcpenney, and bed, bath, and beyond, and as a sex offender.

for those of you unfamiliar with roman polanski, he was convicted of statutory rape of a 13-year-old girl back in the 1970s.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Thursday, May 12, 2005

fecundmellow presents: summer m.'s favorite white men
last weekend, i was talking to saf and josiah about some random shit, and the topic of white dudes came up. i have no idea why, but i started thinking about my favorite white men (read: white men i can semi-tolerate). coming up with this list was tough, but for you, my reading public, i'll endure (faulkner swipe). i'm sure there's a white guy or two you might be able to stand. ok, maybe not.

mark twain: oh yeah, my main man mark twizzle. mark twain is my nigga, i can't front. not only did he write like the greatest american novel ever (huck finn), he was also a funny muthafucka. not only that, but here's some knowledge for you: mark twain is (in)directly connected to the civil rights movement. see, walter t. mcguinn was the first black graduate of yale law school. before setting up legal practice in baltimore, md., however, it seems walt was having some problems. mark twain wrote yale a letter, and proceeded to pay the tuition for the financially struggling mcguinn. mcguinn would later mentor a young thurgood marshall, who as we all know, went on to serve as legal counsel for the brown v. board trial, and subsequently became the first black supreme court justice (later replaced by clarence thomas. ugh!). how 'bout them apples?

perhaps in a sense this might be some white patriarchy shit, but to simply deem it as such would be some bullshit.

william faulkner: for those of you who don't know, the very title of this blog (fecundmellow) comes from wild billy f. i guess when he couldn't find a sufficient term he made up one. anyway, i have a love/hate relationship with this southern boy. i mean, shit. sometimes i'm on some, 'william faulkner is a literary genius shit.' other days i'm on some, 'william faulkner was a crazy drunk.' iono. i go back and forth. i love him; i hate him. i still don't understand every aspect of "the bear" or absalom, absalom!. but i do know this: whenever i think about quitting my bullshit-ass ph.d. program, i think about billy, and how he's one of the few writers that remind me of why i put myself through this. people often say freud cast a helluva shadow on the 20th century. i'm convinced that faulkner cast a pretty big one, too. all the writers that mean anything to me are in dialogue with him, imho. oh, i love my billy f., the drunk genius.

'...no battle is ever won...they are not even fought. the field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.' --jason compson to quentin compson

hall and oates: i wasn't sure if i was gonna go with them or steely dan. but since i sorta grew up on hall and oates' music, and discovered steely dan much later, i thought i'd put them up. i loooove these dudes. 'sarah smile' and 'she's gone' good lawd these boys got soul! as a kid, i remember watching their videos on mtv, i would dance my ass off to them, jamming with my michael jackson microphone. hall and oates= the shit. 'cept i wish john oates would grow back his mustache. he looks funny without it.

phil jackson: as a young child, one of my biggest worries was whether or not michael jordan would win an n.b.a. championship. you have no idea how stressful it is to watch your favorite player get his ass kicked every single year by the bad boy detroit pistons. (to this day, i despise isiah thomas, et. al.) then uncle phil showed up and took mj to the promised land--6 times. mostly, i love how he'll just sit down on the bench and cross his legs like he doesn't give a fuck. it makes everybody so damn mad. we need you back in the league, uncle phil.

"g.q." pat riley: the cleanest white man on the planet, i tell you. to continue on my basketball track, riles brought me showtime in the '80s. watching majic and worthy was great and all, but i really dug riles' style. nigga was always clean. hair all slicked back, perfectly tailored suit. impressive. coola than a polar bear's toenails.

robert deniro: what white (ethnic) man more blatantly exhibits his festishization of the black female body more than the young vito corleone? i mean, on one level, i could be upset and problematize such things. on the other, i gotta chuckle when he shows up at the naacp awards (is he a member? if not, he should be). he also starred in my all-time fave mob movie, a bronx tale.

he was sooo fly in the godfather ii.

i'm done.

fecundmellow essentializes regardless of race, color, creed, sex, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, et. al.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

play i some muzik: fecundmellow's all time faves.

it's tough to have a favorite song (though mine is 'human nature' by michael jackson). for the most part, i'll have favorite songs by a particular artist. sunday, while in the car with my homegyrl, deshi, i heard my 2nd fave stevie wonder song on the radio. so i thought it'd be cool to list my favorite songs by particular artists (no set list, just whatever comes off the top of my head). i'd love to hear yours, too.

stevie wonder
fave song: 'never dreamed you'd leave in summer'
don't sleep on: 'superwoman (where were you when i needed you?)'; 'heaven is 10 zillion light years away'
fave album: innervisions. though i despise how long 'living for the city' is, 'visions', 'he's misstra know it all,' and of course, 'golden lady' make this album a classic.
summer m. says: if you play those two songs (never dreamed... and superwoman...) back to back, you're sure to have a melancholy night. 'somebody give me a gun!!!!'

bob marley
fave song: 'waiting in vain'
don't sleep on: 'natural mystic'
fave album: rastaman vibration
summer m. says: though, like i said in an earlier post, exodus is the greatest album of all time, rastaman vibration is my shit. it has 'rat race' 'johnny was' and 'war'--i want to start a revolution e'rytime i hear the latter song.

michael jackson
fave song: 'human nature'
don't sleep on: 'stranger in moscow'
fave album: the highly underrated, off the wall
summer m. says: 'stranger in moscow' is the best song michael jackson has written outside of his golden days. it's an impeccable song. if you've never heard it, you should listen to it. play it at night (preferably on a rainy one) turn off the tv, computer, etc., and turn off the lights. experience that shit.

carole king
fave song: 'it's too late'
don't sleep on: all the shit carole king has written
summer m. says: carole king is one of the greatest songwriters of all time. really, you might be surprised.

roberta flack
fave song: 'where is the love' w/ donny hathaway
don't sleep on: 'feel like making love'
summer m. says: i've said it and i'll say it again. i've never had warm milk before, but i'm pretty sure roberta flack's voice is like warm milk: soothing, calming, effortless.

tracy chapman
fave song: 'fast car'
don't sleep on: 'the promise'
fave album: new beginning
summer m. says: one of the most talented and underrated musicians out there. it bothers me so much that folks don't fuck with tracy. jewel: wack. india.arie: mediocre in comparison. tracy chapman: the fucking truth.

erykah badu
fave song:
a.d. 2000
don't sleep on: mama's gun and the new danger
summer m. says: saf, she maybe be on her earth mother goddess, but badu is solid. gotta love the 'love of my life' remix.

madonna (yeah, madonna)
fave song: 'live to tell'
don't sleep on: 'la isla bonita'
summer m. says: i'm a child of the 80s, i can't hep but love madonna.

meshell ndegeocello
fave song: 'bitter'
don't sleep on: 'earth'
fave album: bitter
summer m. says: what can i say about the fact that i love bitter? i just got a thing for immense sadness on wax.

fave song: 'sweetest taboo'
don't sleep on: 'kiss of life'
fave album: love deluxe, of course.
summer m. says: sade is beautiful. i mean that in an 'i don't wanna sleep with her' kind of way.

james taylor (my mama loves him, and so do i)
fave song: 'fire and rain'
don't sleep on: 'sweet baby james'
summer m. says: james taylor was a pretty muthafucka back in the 70s. his son's pretty cute, too.

fave song: 'the root'
don't sleep on: 'africa'
summer m. says: voodoo is waaaay better than brown sugar, i promise.

fave song: 'lonely's the only other company'
don't sleep on: maxwell's 2nd album
summer m. says: there are several songs on maxwell's sophomore album that should be on your 'in between the sheets' mixtape.

fave song: 'little red corvette'
don't sleep on: 'money don't matter' or the prince/rosie gaines version of 'nothing compares 2u'
fave album: sign o the times
summer m. says: prince is a musical genius!!!!!

marvin gaye
fave song: after the dance
don't sleep on: here, my dear: divorce never sounded so good.
fave album: i want you
summer m. says: ohhhhh i want you/and you want me/so why don't we/get together after the dance?

nina simone
fave song: see line woman
don't sleep on: be my husband
summer m. says: for many of you, nina simone will be/is an acquired taste. i'm telling you, keep playing that shit. one day, it'll click, and you'll play her all the time.

bill withers
fave song: 'ain't no sunshine'
don't sleep on: 'grandma's hands'
summer m. says: nahmix told me this cat is the most sampled artist. you have no idea how many hits this dude has. get his greatest hits and be enlightened.

errr...sorry for the length of my shullbit.

who the fuck is that new black chick on mtv news?

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, May 09, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)


it's official: monday after mother's day is officially 'yo' mama's...day'
washington, d.c.: with a wide margin of victory, the congressional black caucus voted in a special session to officially mark the monday after mother's day 'yo' mama's day...'. as stated in the press release published this morning in black newspapers throughout the nation, 'yo' mama's day...' is intended to celebrate and embrace the african american tradition of snapping, also known as joning, cracking, and playing the dozens.' democrats also believe that by participating in 'yo' mama's day...', they may be able to recover some of the backbone they lost in last november's 'presidential election'. tennessee congressman harold ford, jr., who announced the news, is quite pleased that black congresspeople were able to stop their highly talked about in-fighting and pass an edict. 'i'm very pleased that we were able to get such a measure passed, and so quickly,' he said. 'by the way, barack obama's mama is so white, he got elected senator.'

though washington insiders thought that the white house would oppose such a declaration, it seems that 'president' bush is all for this latest official holiday. he ended his monday morning press conference with, 'condoleezza rice's mother is so ugly, i had to put her on the terrorist do not watch list.' (uh, yeah.)

no word yet as to whether or not hallmark will produce a line of cards to commemorate the day. hallmark subcompany mahogony has already come up with several cards.

vandal says, 'i ran out of spray paint'
chicago, illinois: on may 6, 2005, catholic believers throughout chicago were unpleasantly greeted with the news that someone had vandalized what was believed to be an image of the virgin mary under the kennedy expressway (my exit of all exits!!!!) . it seems that in the middle of the night, a vandal wrote 'big lie' on top of the (alleged) image of the virgin mary. that morning, the city of chicago's street and sanitation department painted over both the image and the graffiti with brown paint. victor gonzalez, the admitted defacer who has been charged with a misdemeanor, bailed himself out of jail. fecundmellow caught up with mr. gonzalez as he left the cook county lookup.

'the only thing i regret is not having more spray paint,' he stated. 'all i got to write was big lie. what i really wanted to write was, 'big lie. so stop letting your kids kiss salt stains you silly people. why are you allowing your baby to place his lips on a concrete wall under the kennedy expressway in chicago? do you realize how many homeless men have probably pissed on that very spot? by the way, i ate the jesus fish stick and the 'virgin mary' grilled cheese. i'd also like to say publically that i am not a vandal, i am a socially conscious graffiti artist. thank you very much.'

despite the brown paint, believers claim to still be able to see the image of the virgin.

chappelle, 'i'm out of jokes, bitches' (for saf)
new york, new york: due to pressure from social organizations throughout the country, the premiere of the third season comedy central hit, chappelle's show has yet again been pushed back. women's organizations, particularly those that align themselves with second wave feminism, white supremacist groups, and glbtq(lmnop) coalitions have all been quite vocal about the 'offensive' nature of chappelle's humor. it seems that chappelle and comedy central have finally caved.

'we regret to inform the public that the third season of chappelle's show will not begin airing on may 31st as we hoped,' a comedy central representative reported. 'production has ceased yet again, and we are unsure when it will begin again.'

though most have speculated that the reported $50 million contract chappelle signed with comedy central in august of 2004 to be the source of writer's block for both chappelle and his writing partner, neil brennan, other more intimate sources believe that pressure from the above mentioned groups has wiped out chappelle's arsenal of jokes.

when chappelle signed the contract extension, several of the offended groups joined forces and started a consortium aimed at ending what they call 'hate humor' that airs on television. as a result, sources say that comedy central has attempted to mitigate such controversy by impelling their $50 million dollar man to create a much milder show. consequently, dave chappelle and his writing staff have produced subpar skits for the third season.

'if dave chappelle can't talk about white people and women, he has nothing to say. even dave chappelle gets sick of telling fart jokes,' one staffer (who shall remain nameless) told fecundmellow. 'spreading doo doo butter on scantily clad women is funny. putting gay white supremacists in pink klan outfits is funny. if you can't talk about crackheads and retarded kids, who can you talk about? they took our funny.'

a usually talkative and personable chappelle has released only 1 public statement, 'i'm out of jokes, but i'm rich, bitch.'

retarded puppets making prank phone calls, and foul-mouthed third graders will still make weekly appearances on comedy central.

what a conundrum
despite her willingness to parody herself on saturday night live, paula abdul has been mum on the whole corey clark ordeal, surrounding her and american idol. abdul's defense has consisted of denying the relationship and calling clark an admitted liar. meaning, clark has allegedly admitted to being a liar.


meaning, clark has admitted to being a liar and abdul believed his confession.

ok. i think i get it.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

fecundmellow presents: super stalker songs
guess who's bizack? it's me, nigga. let's see if all of my alleged readers are still around...

while in new york (shout out to traci b. for her hospitality), the chix had a brief and friendly debate about whether or not rastaman's 'waiting in vain' (toss up between this and natural mystic as my fave marley songs) was a stalker song. if you can sing a little bit, you can really get away with some stuff. hell, johnnie cash killed a helluva lotta people on wax; it seems that if any of the songs i've deemed stalker-ish were true, somebody could get a restraining order. it got me to thinking: what are some of the best stalker songs of all time?
  • waiting in vain/bob marley and the wailers/exodus: have you ever empathized with a stalker? if not, this song will make you. bob croons his ass off on this one, expressing the pain of unrequited love. like i said/it's been three years since i'm knocking on your door/and i still can knock some more/oooh girl/oooh girl/is it feasible? (i wanna know now)/for i to knock some more... great jah! has it ever hurt so good? (by the way, this song appears on THE GREATEST ALBUM OF ALL TIME!)

  • every breath you take/the police/synchronicity: if it wasn't for 'waiting in vain' this would be the greatest stalker song ever. i've heard people play this song at their wedding. i don't get that. then again, people are really stupid. anyway, sting is a scary mofo on this joint. i hear he wrote it after his divorce, which leads me to believe that divorcing sting coulda been the least of ex-wifey's problems. it takes a lot to leave a dude that would sing, every breath you take/every move you make/every bond you break/every step you take/i'll be watching you... now that i think about it, there are several police songs that could make this list. sting musta been going through some thangs.

  • outside your door/meshell n'degeocello/plantation lullabies: though i often think meshell loves the sound of her voice more than her lezzy groupies do, this is another quite lovely song by the bassist. it's good enough to make you forget this bitch is stalking somebody on wax, here i am waiting/just waiting/anticipating a chance to run into you/i sit here for hours/one day i even sat through a rain shower... wow. just reading the lyrics makes me think this shit could be a really bad spoken word piece. then again, i have been known to hate on meshell for her questionable lyrical prowess, so we'll just chalk that comment up under hateration. if you listen to the track, though, you'll notice that the song sounds quite similar to another love song you're prolly more familiar with. brian mcknight swears he didn't swipe that shit, but the evidence is all there.

  • until you come back to me/stevie wonder/aretha franklin/anthology/the best of aretha franklin: oh yes, even wonder-boy and the queen of soul had a moment of insanity. stevie wonder wrote this joint, but his version didn't appear on wax until after franklin's '67 version. it's light-hearted enough, for a stalker song. doesn't put you in that melancholy mood most stalker joints put you in, although your phone you ignore/somehow i must explain/i'll have to rap on your door/tap on your window pane/i'm gonna camp by your steps/until i get through to you/'til you come back to me, that's what i'm gonna do... how cute.

  • your house/alanis morrisette/you learn: i went to your house/walked up the stairs/i opened your door without ringing the bell/i walked down the hall/into your room/where i could smell you/and i shouldn't be here/without permission/i shouldn't be here... what the fuck did dave coulier do to you, alanis?

  • come to my window/melissa etheridge/yes i am: melissa etheridge is another who could have a few songs on this list. this video was way, too. 'member the white chick in the room pacing and all that shit? yeah, that video. i would dial the numbers just to listen to your breath/i would stand inside my hell and hold the hand of death/you don't know how far i'd go to ease this precious ache/you don't know how much i'd give or how much i can take/just to reach you... how lovely. how crazy.

  • passing me by/the pharcyde/bizarre ride ii the pharcyde: i don't know what my problem is. a few of the songs on this list are my favorite songs by a particular artist. this is no exception. 'passing me by' is my most favorite hip hop song of all time. i can listen to it all day everyday and be just as excited to hear it. for the most part, this isn't really a stalker song--until you get to the last verse. now there she goes again/ the dopest ethiopian/and now the world around me gets to movin' in slow motion when-/ever she happens to walk by/why does the apple of my eye/overlook and disregard my feelings no matter how much i try/wait, no, i did not really pursue my little princess with persistance/and i was so low-key that she was unaware of my existence
    from a distance i desired, secretly admired her...(btw, i am still mourning the theft of my pharcyde collection...if i find you, i'ma kick your ass, you thief.)
lame post, i know. but gimme a minute to get my swagger back.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison