Monday, March 20, 2006

start a rumor monday: hallmark announces new line of cards

mahogany® to add new line of greeting cards

hallmark brand mahogany has decided to add more greeting cards to its ever-growing line focusing on african american consumers. drinking gourd®-- mahogany's antebellum inspired line of cards predominantly intended to express provactive and romantic love--is set to launch in mid-june, approximately the same time juneteenth celebrations are to commence throughout the country.

according to their website, "mahogany features more than 800 cards to help african americans honor their relationships in innovative, compelling and culturally-relevant ways. the brand offers cards for several holidays, as well as a full range of everyday occasions... hallmark has been creating cards that speak to african-american culture since the 1960s. in order to ensure ongoing cultural relevancy, the mahogany creative planning team conducts extensive research to stay abreast of current trends and events in the african-american community and to increase their understanding of african-american culture, traditions and heritage."

drinking gourd will undoubtedly continue this tradition.

drinking gourd takes its cues from the african american slave past (and, seemingly, r&b songs). unequ
ivocally speaking to "african american culture", drinking gourd seeks to express its consumers' romantic desires for their partner(s). though consumers won't be able to purchase drinking gourd cards until the spring, mahogany gave the media a sneak preview. mahogany's team of african american writers and artists is working on cards that include lines such as:

"i wanna swing low in your sweet chariot."

"let me lick your river jordan."

"loving you makes me feel free."

"a love like ours could never be auctioned."

"i am shackled to my desire for you."

"whenever we're together, it's as if we're in high cotton."

though mahogany has yet to determine whether or not to permanently add the line, african american and nigger loving consumers can rest assured that the cards will be available nation-wide through valentine's day 2007.

check back at fecundmellow for updates on this story.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, March 13, 2006

start a rumor monday: the viagra niagara mov't part 2

naacp adopts new black national anthem

after two years, someone is finally taking me seriously and listening. several months ago, i wrote my second open letter to the naacp, suggesting that they revamp and revitalize their organization. not wanting to simply problematize and leave it at that, i offered several very helpful suggestions (if i say so myself) to assist in the reinvigoration of one of the world's oldest civil rights organizations.

i was pleasantly surprised, then, when i received an advance copy of a press release from the naacp. in it, chairman julian bond, president bruce gordon, and vice chair woman rosalyn brock announce that they have decided to adopt a new black national anthem, thus finally taking me up on number three of my list of suggestions. here's a segment of the release that will be made available to the public on the naacp's website tomorrow:

for nearly one hundred years, the naacp has fought to obtain and defend the civil rights of all citizens. as such, it has been important that we remain abreast of current trends and movements throughout society. as the times change, so must we. therefore, we find it imperative that we make a strategic shift in our organization. [...] on april 1, 2006, the national association for the advancement of colored people will officially adopt a new black national anthem. we have unanimously decided to replace "lift every voice and sing" with "it's hard out here for a pimp" as the new black national anthem. we believe the song more appropriately articulates the state of african americans today, and as a civil rights organization, it's important that we reflect and represent our constituents. from april first onward, "it's hard out here for a pimp," will be sung at the beginning of all black events--which basically means all hbcu football games like the bayou and circle city classics, both airing on bet.

thank you.

here! here!

summer m. plans to celebrate her victory (for the race) with agrestic, some lemon drops, and a lap dance.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Friday, March 10, 2006

this weekend's essay: it's my anniversary

yes, today marks the 2nd anniversary of this here blog. as a result, i got two things for dat ass today.

1: what were you doing/where were you two years ago.


2: a meme i stole from nahmix

9 Lasts:
Last dollar spent: on the train
Last cigarette: never smoked cigs.
Last beverage: water w/ lemon
Last phone call: it's a secret
Last movie: when night is falling (petra is a fucking stalker.)
Last song played: this room-- fat freddy's drop.
Last bubble bath: i prefer showers.
Last time you cried: like...1994
Last thing you ate: chocolate chip cookies

8 Have You Evers:
Have you ever dated a best friend: nope
Have you ever skinny dipped: nope
Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: yeah. well, maybe not.
Have you ever lost someone you loved: yes, papa
Have you ever been dumped: nope
Have you ever been drunk and thrown up: nope
Have you ever run away: all the time in my mind

7 States You Have Visted:
1. new york
2. california
3. florida
4. maryland
5. michigan
6. georgia
7. alabama

6 Things You've Done Today:
1. made two phone calls
2. took a shower
3. made my lunch
4. checked email
5. blogged
6. daydreamed

5 Of Your Favorite Things:
1. people: jneezy, my lil sis
2. movie: coming to america, hav plenty
3. music: good
4. band: depeche mode
5. books: too many to name. today we'll go with the chaneysville incident

4 People You Can Tell [Almost]Anything:
1. moms
2. jneezy
3. keish
4. leez

3 Things That Make You Smile:
1. mrs. robinson
2. leez's greeting
3. the internationally known's... serenades

2 Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. boat around the world
2. write, finish, and publish my novel(s)

1 Quote to Share:
"any self-respecting black person has problems with white people." --some crazy ass muthafucka

tag? if you read this and have a blog, i tag you.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

the sum and saf half: pimpin' is easy

sam jack as the nigga fred in the biopic, douglass?

the future of hollywood by sum and saf.

it takes some nigs winning an oscar to bring your favorite haterators out of hibernation. and that's cool. i mean, we got way more hate (but out of love. what else but love) to spew. but since y'all can prolly only take in doses, we'll consider our brief respite from tag team hatin' a gift to you all.

anyway, with the three 6 mafia win at this year's oscars, the (comma) yo kids figured it was time for us to prognosticate which projects we thought would get greenlighted in hollywood in the upcoming year(s). let's see...

pimp: the musical
521,600 bitches... just like the movie rent...but not really.

citizen douglass
a biopic of the 19th century abolitionist, frederick douglass. call it a 4 hour long snooze fest directed by spike lee and financially backed by oprah that confirms saf and yac. bro. number 1's suspicion that fred was the original (notorious) thug. think gangs of new york meets amistad, or maybe even roots. samuel l. jackson will be donning that wig he rocked in m. night shamalan's unbreakable. (see above pic.)

brokeback niggas
the steamy underside of the harlem renaissance. maybe even a film noir, no? langston hughes, countee cullen, richard bruce nugent? this is not a stretch, people.

nasty as they wanna be.
the true story of the relationship between mary mccleod bethune and eleanor roosevelt.

ain't i a woman? the sojourner truth story
a sort of follow-up to the highly successful, douglass. though it should prolly star angela "how'd you get your arms to look like that, tina?" bassett or alfre "miss evers' boys" woodard, oprah will play the part. you know the divine miss o swallows up anything that allows her to employ that niggafied dialect she perfected at tennessee state. maya angelou will get some screenwriting credit for this one, as she'll write the more "poetic" elements of the cinematic version of truth's famous speech. get to singing, caged bird.

she get it from her mama
a documentary on black women, the hiv, and the black community. score by juvenile.

(this entry may be edited later, as sum has no idea where the fuck saf is right now.)

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, March 06, 2006

start a rumor monday: news briefs

(this shit had to be retyped, because blogger is a muthafucka.) action

um...fuck the source awards. the oscars is the new black. if you thought cuba gooding, jr. hosting the naacp awards was the fucking craziest shit you ever did see ( did george lopez get nominated for an image award?), then odds are your black ass didn't watch the oscars last night. and boy did you miss it. yeah (comma) yo. your protests of not watching any award show not airing on b.e.t. or u.p.n. caused you to miss the most ridiculous shit to happen in the month of march--and it ain't even the ides yet, nigga.

in an upset that will go down in oscar history, three 6 mafia won an academy award last night for best original song ("it's hard out here for a pimp" from hustle and flow), beating out oscar favorite, dolly parton, and stunning white folk and "respectable" colored people everywhere.

did somebody stuff the ballot box? but there were whispers the morning after. sources say that the academy was continuing its affirmative action policy which began a few years ago. "the academy didn't want to be considered racist because we let a white person win the first academy award for hip hop [eminem for "lose yourself"]," one hollywood insider said. so, they gave three 6 mafia the award to "even the playing field."

certain aspects of hip hop culture didn't come up until after the show was over, however. what's beef? in an apparent dis of their fellow tennesseean, when asked what they planned to do now that they had won an oscar, three 6 mafia responded, "we're going to dollywood."

i say dolly phones kenny i smell a dis record?

wait til you see my (oh)

hollywood will milk something drier than queen latifah in a love scene with ll cool j. (thus, we can look forward to at least 4 more madea movies, big mama's house 3, and beyonce starring as an idiot in something.) with the three 6 mafia win, publicists for dreamworks released a statement saying that steven spielberg has sought out the ying yang twins' for his next project. if all goes well, the twins will score spielberg's next film. whispers in the holy land, an epic tale of the founding of the state of israel, is due out in the spring of 2007. *never get enough, never get enough...*

but the academy has to draw the line somewhere...

if you saw the shot of terrence howard after three 6 mafia's name was announced, i don't need to tell you that at that moment the nigga knew he was gonna lose in the best actor category. such suspicions were confirmed when fecundmellow caught up with yet another hollywood insider in the press room. "of course he wasn't going to win. the academy has standards, you know? the last few academy awards have been really good to black people, but let's face it, we've given you people awards for some highly problematic roles. you've been whores [halle berry, monster's ball], crooked cops [denzel washington, training day] and drug abusing womanizers [jamie foxx, ray]. we had to draw the line somewhere. a black man winning an academy award for playing a pimp? is it not obvious what we think of you people? besides, we gave that mafia group an oscar. ludacris introduced them and queen latifah gave them their award. and what were they wearing? footlocker? give a nigga a rope, and he wants to be a cowboy."

i couldn't have said it better myself.

and now... a non sequitor.
summer m. single?

that's the rumor on the street. just one week after posting pictures of herself and alleged girlfriend/fiancee/whatever phoenix, the paparazzi spotted summer m. heading to work in an "the internet is for lovers" t-shirt. are summer and phoenix no longer headed to the alter, er, city/county building to register their same-sex domestic partnership? sources close to the blogstar are keeping mum, but we think the shirt is a plea for some internet action--a cyber rebound, if you will. some believe summer m.'s incessant hateration and blogstar status took a toll on the young relationship.

when caught outside of a starbucks in seattle, phoenix simply said to reporters, "all she had to do was go to yoga."

hmpf. summer m. done gone and fucked up her own chi. her bad.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Friday, March 03, 2006

this weekend's essay: northern state of mind

since the truth about summer m. and phoenix was such a fucking buzzkill, i thought i'd return to this week's most popular entry for the (return of) essay. i have asked this before, but...

question: can/could/will/would there ever be a "legitimate" white female emcee?

*opens can of worms and runs away*


language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

you wanna be startin' somethin'...

(summer m.+ fly phoenix= wha?)

the skinny

ok. so, monday i posted a rumor that included yours truly in some compromising positions with a black feminist hottie woman, er, womyn (yeah, they do exist). i asked that you determine the rumor by deciding what in the hell was going on between us. most of you--with your dirty ass minds--chose d (that we did the nasty). only my beloved harold "greatest fecundmellow intern of all time" gibson made up his own rumor. which, i might add, was way better than anything i could've come up with. that said, i'ma clear up some shit for those of you who aren't in the know, or for those of you who are in the know, but don't really know...if you can dig it. so, yo: the woman, er, womyn so willing to take glamour shots with the kid is the inimitable phoenix, or as i like to call her, the internationally-known locally celebrated l'boogie down not bronx or simile not to be confused with metaphor or church sister or just plain l (apostrophe) if the nickname is too long for you to remember and/or say; those of you on myspace may know her as the one and only (good job, anonymous).

here's the deal: phoenix and i initially met through blogging. though we live a couple thousand miles away, there were technically only a few degrees of separation between us--i'm on the blog roll of some of her friends (and fellow spelman alumae/sisters). we started talking about adding music to her blog, and eventually my blog serenade to her (the hook of the roots' "silent treatment") began an email exchange, that became phone convos (and neither of us are phone people). certain friends of phoenix and internet acquaintances of mine got wind of our blog/email/phone relationship, and, as people often do, a little bit of talking started. it seemed that some folks wanted to align the stars and create some romantic fireworks or something between us. this was further complicated by the fact that i'd been invited to atlanta for the toni cade bambara conference happening in a few weeks where phoenix--you guessed it--is facilitating a workshop.

as it went down though, the stars aligned so that phoenix came to chicago, thereby thwarting any potentially nefarious plots taking place in the city sherman burned to the ground. once we realized that our first meeting would be a one-on-one thing, and not a potential spectacle (oh, how i love hyperbole), we decided that it'd be great to use phoenix's visit as the subject of a rumor, and therefore stayed on the down low, qt, and definitely hushhush about it until after her visit.

though what happened between last thursday (feb. 23) and monday (feb. 27) will remain between the kid and the mythical bird (whatever happened, it involved edible panties menus, esthero, raw ravioli, some liquid cherries and at least one substance that causes insobriety in human beings), i will say one more thing: geeks of the world, let this be a lesson to you. if you keep grinding, working hard, learning hip hop songs, and working out your teenage angst not in therapy, but on the internet well into your twenties, you don't have to go to the prom, because eventually, the prom queen will come to you.


phoenix's 2 cents:
thanks for enthusiastically supporting our rumored possibility. it's always good to know there are people who believe in the dream of sweetness and connection. but please note that while my blog be a mighty cathartic, disclosing and informative sharing of my internal processes, i ain't gonna put that kinda juicylovemagic on the internet. know that i had a wonderful weekind in the chi with the illustrious summershine "fecundmellow" m. other than that, a grrrrl's gotta keep some kinda goodies to herself.

playa post script.: iono, y'all, but she did send me flowers this morning. i'm just sayin'... --sm.

phoenix post script, post script: what can i say? one good turn deserves another. --phoenix

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison