Wednesday, August 31, 2005

ring the bell, skool's in sucka!!!!

summer m. presents: how to succeed in college without really trying
part 1 of 2

ahhh. it's that time of year again. the summer is nearly over, and folks are heading back to skool. soon enough, parents will load up the minivan and drag their 18 year olds to state u. what a wonderful time it is. frisbee on the quad; tailgating; jello wrestling; breakfast clubs**. it seems like yesterday when i was begging to get out of fort wheezy to begin my college career in west lafayette, indiana. has it really been 7 years since 1998?

now that i'm in super college, i've a different view on the college experience. last quarter, i was a course assistant; i'll be again one this autumn. though i'm still pretty green to this whole teaching thing, i think i've seen my share of undergraduate papers, and have therefore heard a gang of excuses concerning why a paper could not be turned in on time.

thus, i've decided to use my powers for good. i'm a publik skool kid. if i've learned anything in this life, it's how to cut corners and still come out on top. and if i hate anything more than liars, it's bad liars. when papers are due, students get really "creative" with their excuses. to protect the innocent, i won't reveal any paper extension pleas here. i will say that it's very sad to hear folks from such privileged backgrounds come up with the most rudimentary excuses i've ever heard. so, in an effort to help undergraduates who get caught up at a kegger or two, i've outlined some ways to get a paper extension without really asking for a paper extension. i'm not saying these ideas are great, but they're definitely less wack than what you all seem to come up with.
  • turn in the wrong paper. you quickly realize that you'll have papers due for several classes around the same time. odds are, if you have three papers, you prolly got maybe 1-2 of the three done. so here's what you do. make two copies of the paper you got done, and turn one of those in to the prof whose paper you didn't finish. here's a lil secret: profs don't immediately sit down and read your papers. this gives you two options: 1) you can tell the prof you realized you accidentally turned in the wrong paper for his class; or 2) you can wait for the prof to discover you turned in an essay on aristotle's poetics instead of a paper on 1984. by the time he/she figures it out, you should have his/her paper done.
  • email your paper...but not really. with technology the way it is, some profs are willing to take electronic versions of your paper. now like i said above, odds are you have the paper partially finished. what you want to do is make your attachment look like it wasn't converted entirely. you know, like you used a pc and your prof uses a mac. all you have to do is add all those crazy characters in between actual words that might appear in your paper. if you submit the paper via email, odds are the prof will contact you via email. this might take a few hours. he/she doesn't know that you check your email every 5 minutes. so just take a few hours and hit 'em back with a legitimate paper. that said, some profs have some technological savvy. but you have to use your advantages. you're younger and prolly know more about comps than he/she does. if you feel that the 'conversion plan' doesn't work, you could always attach a fake virus or something.
  • tell the truth. if you don't have the shit done, just say you don't have it done. but be confident about that isht. come to class on time looking well rested. don't punk out to these profs. just be like, 'yo, i had a lot of shit due this week. i ain't finish it, i'll have it done by___.' if the prof is reasonable--and i'm not saying that he/she will be, but there is a possibility--you'll prolly just get away with a minor grade deduction. that way, you don't have to come up with a bullshit ass excuse, and i don't have to read it. because frankly, i don't really care that your girlfriend broke up with you during midterms. i have my own lack of girlfriend problems to think about.
what i've outlined above is just a framework for how you might get a paper extension. take this basic plan and mold it to fit your needs. you don't really need to be blatant with your lie. in fact, you don't really need to lie at all. i have a great degree of respect for honesty. but if you're gonna lie, make sure your lie is simple and as close to the truth as possible.

**breakfast clubs are events at bars. such events consist of dressing up in crazy costumes (if you choose) getting up at the butt crack of dawn, and having donuts and screwdrivers at the bar. this way, by the time the football game rolls around, you'll be nice and drunk. if i recall correctly, bc's generally start around 6 am. this gives you about 4 hours to sleep and sober up a little since bars close at 2. at least, that's how they do it in boilermaker country, home of the nude olympcs.
in other skool-related news (sorta), please check out eight forty-eight's (a show on, chicago public radio) interview kanye and common's mamas here.
and finally, today is the last day to vote for the black weblog awards.

lemme clarify: i've been publicizing this isht on my blog not because i want to win, but because i think it's a great idea. i have no plans to win. in fact, i have an entry idea for the day after the winners are announced, and it's contingent upon me losing.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

we now interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this update:

how to make summer m.'s summer.
(and prolly her year because it's pretty damn obvious that no lovely ladies wanna play with her.)

  1. advertise on your website that you will be having a 'make your own shoe' event in the chicagoland area.
  2. allow summer m. to bring a guest to this event.
  3. ask the parking gods to give summer m. a parking spot somewhere near your store on a sunday night with enough time to get some grub. because if there's anything summer m. and her guest like better than making shoes, it's eating asian food while not so sober.
  4. let summer m. and said guest into the store.
  5. let summer m. and second opinion (or, guest), choose fabrics and strategically place them onto a lunch tray with template for a shoe.
  6. take picture of shoe (shown above)--tentatively called the puma sum 69 (shout out saf!), send shoe to be made, and have summer m. pick it up in 4-6 weeks.
pictures of final product forthcoming!

now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, August 29, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

just a note: this week's rumor almost got nixed because of oprah. it looks like i'm going to have to have a week-long series on the divine ms. o very, very soon. with a recent comment left on an old entry, along with some material anne sent me, and a conversation with rrrrachel, i have a whole lot of hating to do. so if this rumor is kinda wack, that's why.

don't say i didn't warn you.

who shot ya? west answers the gay rumors with gunshots
though he may soon be under questioning, kanye west's manhood is no longer in question. during the early morning of august 28th, death row records founder, suge knight was shot in the leg during a pre-mtv music awards party hosted by kanye west. though the miami police department has yet to name any suspects, fecundmellow may know someone the miami p.d. might want to interview.

kanye west.

that's right, kanye west. fecundmellow caught up with ye after the mtv awards. he graciously answered some of our questions. a few of his responses led us to believe that maybe the college dropout knows more about knight's shooting than he initially let on.

check out the question and answer session below:

fecundmellow: can i touch your jaw?
kw: is your name john legend?

fecundmellow: sorry. no, i'm not john legend. i'm just ordinary people.
kw: then don't be asking me questions like that.

fecundmellow: my bad. no need to get all upset. tell me about [gets cut off by kanye]
kw: did you see me and sugar ray on stage? we kilt it. and my outfit was fierce, right?

fecundmellow: sugar ray?
kw: oh, my bad. i meant jamie foxx.

fecundmellow: yeah, you guys were great. i really liked how he chanted 'get down, girl. go 'head get down' while you rapped. you guys have a lot of...chemistry. so, tell me about the pre-vma's party you had.
kw: i don't wanna. [crosses arms. shakes head.]

fecundmellow: you 'don't wanna'? how old are you, kanye?
kw: this many. [tells me he's 27 by using his fingers.]

fecundmellow: so what do you 'wanna' talk about?
kw: i wanna talk about my new album, late registration which drops tomorrow (aug. 30). and i also want to tell your readers that i'm not gay. i'm sick of you telling people i'm gay.

fecundmellow: i didn't tell anyone you were gay.
kw: did too!

fecundmellow: did not!
kw: did too!

fecundmellow: kanye, i didn't say that you were gay. i did, however, imply that your dick was.
kw: oh ok. well, after my party, no one's gonna think i'm gay anymore.

fecundmellow: why is that?
kw: because suge knight got shot at my party.

fecundmellow: so someone getting shot at your party squashes all kanye's got the gay rumors?
kw: hell yeah. i mean. it's like this...if what i said about gay being the exact opposite of hip hop is true, then niggas getting shot is synonymous with hip hop. therefore, suge knight getting shot at my party made my party--and thus me--a synonym for hip hop. that means that i'm hip hop. which is the opposite of gay. because gay is the opposite of hip hop. so since i'm hip hop, i'm the opposite of gay. so that makes me not gay. or straight.

fecundmellow: i don't know if those are exactly analogous, but i'll roll with it. so do you have any idea who might've shot suge knight?
kw: i ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke nigga.

fecundmellow: what?
kw: oh, my bad. that was just a line from my latest single, 'gold digger.' it's on my new album, late registration which drops tomorrow. what were you saying?

fecundmellow: i was asking if you knew who shot suge knight.
kw: no. but whoever did must be really manly.

fecundmellow: really manly? how's that?
kw: because you gotta be a real g to shoot a nigga. and suge knight? you gotta have balls to try to shoot suge knight. and a really big penis, too. one that you use on women often.

fecundmellow: so, whoever hit suge knight is a sort of straight shooter hunh, kanye?
kw: you got it, girlfriend. but listen, i gotta go. don't forget to buy common's album be, in stores now. and john legend's album get lifted.

fecundmellow: please tell john john [john legend] i said hello.
kw: i'll tell him at pilates class tonight.

[west returns] kw: ay yo. don't print that last quote.
fecundmellow: it'll stay between me and you.
kw: thanx fam.

fecundmellow: you mean fam, not like actual fam, but fam the way black (and) gay people use it, right? [zoolander swipe].
kw: stop calling me gay!!

fecundmellow: dude, i didn't call you gay. do you know how hard it's been not to call you kangay west for this entire interview?
kw: fuck you, bitch.

fecundmellow: not even if we both were straight...[yells] so kanye, are diamonds really a girl's best friend?

unfortunately, the rest of this interview cannot be published.

you have three more days to vote as many times as you want for
your favorite black weblogs.

next week: o week. like oprah. not like orientation.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Friday, August 26, 2005

this weekend's essay: you go back jack, do it again...

maybe i'm getting old, but on my way home the other day, i started thinking about things i want to come back in style. this, interestingly, was spawned by jack fm playing tone loc's 'wild thing' during my commute. initially i wondered, 'does tone loc have a greatest hits collection?' and then i thought, 'part of me misses the day when a hip hop song like this could've been a hit.' so then i started thinking about some of the things i want to see comeback that've yet to have another moment in the sun. though cross colours and used jeans almost made the list, i quickly decided it wouldn't really matter if they came back in vogue or not; it wasn't like i could afford them then, and i sure as hell can't afford them now. but anyway, here's a list i came up with:
  • skating parties: if i threw a skating party (invited everyone i knew), would you come? i'm talking about regular ass skates, yo. no blades. just some paperbag brown skates with the orange wheels. unless, of course, you got speed skates with the funky fresh laces.
  • geometrical/asymmetrical hairstyles: i gave myself a haircut for the first time the other day, and as i was clipping away i thought, what if i hooked myself up with a lil gumby and put some parts around my temple? that woulda been hot shit, right?
  • real dancing: i'm sick of this dry fucking on the dancefloor shit. i wanna go to a house party and see some folks wop it out. tom and jerry, nigga! tom and jerry!
other things i'd like to see make a comeback:
  • 19th century novel titles: if you pay any attention, you'll notice that 19th century novels tend to have two titles. so, instead of just being moby dick, the entire title is moby dick; or, the whale. there's also clotel; or, the president's daughter. i like that. give me a very plain title that speaks directly to the narrative. i don't wanna have to think to hard about why a novel is titled something. and if the first title might not be sufficient, give me another one. i like choices.
  • writers who call themselves writers: i think this has to do with spoken word, but i'm sick of muhfuckas running around here calling themselves scribes and wordsmiths and shit. writer is a sufficient answer for questions concerning one's occupation or hobbies.
and finally:
  • low gas prices.
what (or who) do you want to make a comeback?

enjoy el fin de semana.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Thursday, August 25, 2005

being bobby blahhhh....

right so the season finale of being bobby brown is tonite. i promise to write something about the show and post it to the site by early next week.


language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

health update, or, i have nothing else to blog about

right. so since i don't have anything to blog about today, i thought i'd take the time to give a health update. though i'm doing this, i do not assume any of you care. just consider this a narcissistic effort to let folks in the blogosphere know that though summer m. blogstar is always healthy, sometimes the body she inhabits starts to bug out a bit. but anyway....

the cough: i don't think i've blogged about this, but for the last month or so, i've had this cough that just won't stop. initially, i thought it was allergies, but even after taking allergy medicine the cough persisted. so i switched to cough syrup, and it just got worse. since the whole thing started right when german did, i thought the cough was just psychosomatic, especially since as my exam got closer, things got worse.

anyway, after the storm that was german (still 1 more class left, but the worst of it is over), i figured a weekend of nothing but rest along with a combination of sudafed to relieve the 'i just got punched in my nose' feeling, and alka-seltzer cold and cough to relieve the 'it's the middle of the night and i think i'm gonna vomit feeling', would take care of it. when it didn't, i went ahead and hit up the student health clinic since the university was kind enough to pay the summer fee.

the nice folks at the health clinic have decided that the reason why i sound like i'm a 3-pack a day smoker (i couldn't even speak a complete sentence without having a coughing fit) is because i'm having an asthmatic reaction to some allergen. as a result, i'm wheezing and my lungs are like 'hell to the naw'. so along with having a nebulizer treatment at the clinic, i am now on two inhalers for the next few weeks. though i've used more tissue in the last two days than i have in my entire life, things seem to be getting better.

the knee: so yeah. e'rybody knows i fucked up my knee trying to relive my days as a benchwarmer for my high skool basketball team. it's been about a little over a month since the incident, but swelling is pretty much gone. i still have to rock a brace, but my walking is pretty much back to normal. (anyone who has seen me walk knows that i have a very odd, boyish gate. what can i say? i walk like my daddy. always have. always will.)

despite that progress, i still have some discomfort and pain on both the inside and outside of my knee. this pain, along with my whole asthmatic wheezing issues have therefore precluded a nig from rehabbing the knee. consequently, if i'm not awake in the middle of the night because of wheezing, i'm tossing in my bed trying to get to some sleep. anyway, i suppose i'm gonna have to put those student health fee dollars to work yet again.

unless, of course, any of you know anything about rehabbing a sprained knee and/or if the pain i'm feeling is normal?

i apologize for the blandness of this entry.


language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, August 22, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

news briefs

kanye says, 'my mama made me a fa gay.'

during all eyes on kanye west, an the mtv interview to publicize his latest release, late registration, rapper, producer, video directer, etc., kanye west (known on this blog and others as, 'that nigga ye') pulled a louis farrakhan, and called for an end to homophobia and discrimination against gay people, especially in hip hop.

'everybody in hip hop discriminates against gay people,' west said during the interview with mtv's, sway. 'matter of fact, the exact opposite of the word "hip hop," i think, is gay...i wanna just come on tv, and just tell my rappers, tell my friends, "yo, stop it fam."

west did admit during the interview, however, that he wasn't always so open-minded. in fact, he claims that his homophobia stemmed from being a "mama's boy" all his life. he had this to say about growing up in chicago with his mother after his parents' divorce, 'it gets to the point that when you go to high school and you wasn't out in the streets like that, and you ain't have no father figure, or you wasn't around your father all the time, who you gonna act like? you gonna act like your mother. ... and then everybody in high school be like, "yo, you actin' like a f--. dog, you gay?" and i used to deal with that when i was in high school.' he went on, 'and what happened was it made me kind of homophobic, 'cause i would go back and question myself, like, "damn, why does everyone else walk like this, and i walk like this?"'

west claimed that he searched for masculine role models and distanced himself from other gay people to 'prove' his heterosexuality, going as far as discriminating against people he thought were gay. that was until he was told that one of his cousins was gay. he admitted to sway, '[
but then] my cousin told me that another one of my cousins was gay, and i loved him, he's one of my favorite cousins. and at that point it was kind of like a turning point when i was like, "yo, this my cousin, i love him and i been discriminating against gays."'

west's 'acceptance' of the gay lifestyle was made evident when sway asked if his angry behavior after an unnamed awards show was the result of him not winning an award, or being 'robbed' (again), '
i was really more upset that you couldn't actually see my outfit on the show. i had this dope-ass, pink-and-brown outfit.'

n.b., or, this is where the rumor starts: through careful research and conversations with other bloggers (shout out ali), it has been determined that along with meaning homie, or anonymous sexual partner, the term cousin is also a euphemism for one's penis. you may therefore substitute 'my dick' for cousin in the above quote to get a clearer picture of what west is saying.

in a related note, we at fecundmellow are still trying to determine whether or not west's metal jaw affects his, uh, performance. in other words, john legend's camp did not return our phone calls.

other news

angelina uses coupon, adopts two more children

just weeks after announcing that she'd adopted an ethiopian girl, angelina jolie welcomed two more additions to her 'rainbow tribe' over the weekend. it seems the starlet got a two-for-one deal at the adoption grocery store. jolie turned her adoption endeavors stateside and has decided to play mommy to six-month old african american girls born in oakland, ca. in february.

'it's no secret that african american children are less expensive to adopt than children of other races,' jolie's publicist said during a statement. 'you could call it a buy one get one free sort of deal, but we really think that saying such things would put a price on these adorable little girls. and everybody knows that money and how much things cost only matters to people who don't have it.'

following the lead of cambodia, who recently honored jolie by giving her citizenship, the mayor of oakland gave her a key to the city, an honorary ghetto pass, and an 'i'm white and i just adopted a black kid' starter kit, which included a hot comb, blue magic hair grease, cocoa butter, a lifteime supply of vaseline, and a telephone with several black hairstylists' numbers on speed dial.

jolie's publicist added that the tabloid favorite will take custody of her half-year-old girls at the end of august. she added, 'they have their mother's lips.'

jolie accepted her award via satellite. she was in antarctica adopting a penguin.

ncaa bans offensive mascots...but not until 2008

the ncaa has decided to ban all mascots deemed offensive in all competitions sponsored by the association beginning in 2008. this ban includes the florida state seminole, and the university of illinois' chief illiniwek, pictured left.

the ban also requires that offensive images be removed from all uniforms including those of players and cheerleaders.

'i believe the ncaa is doing the right thing. this is both a personal and professional victory for me, as my great-great-great grandmother was a cherokee princess,' one ncaa official said during a press conference late last week. 'it is our hope that waiting 3 years to enforce the ban will not only give colleges and universities time to correct their uniforms and half-time activities, but there is also the possibility that just maybe all the remaining indians will be dead by then. now if you'll excuse me, there's a black jack table with my name on it at the seminole casino immokalee. how.'

if the ban does actually go into affect, florida state university's board of trustees has already accepted a new mascot. if the school must abandon the seminole name, as of 2008 they will be known as the florida state jivin' sambos. memin pinguin will be their new mascot.

this is just a kind and gentle reminder that you can vote as often as you like for your favorite black weblogs. and, no, you don't have to be black to vote; you just gotta be black to be nominated. kinda like running for the u.s. presidency. only in reverse.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Friday, August 19, 2005

this weekend's essay: would you like a sample?

some may disagree, but i firmly believe that there is truly an art to sampling. i'm not talking about pulling a p. diddy and just swiping the instrumental of an 80's song and just rapping over it. i'm talking about finding the perfect bar, and looping it just right. (i mentioned how integral i thought sampling was to the (perfect) hip hop song on saf's blog a while back.) anyway, if you've ever been to a hip hop concert--at least one in the city of wind--you know that while waiting for the act to come on, you listen to whatever dj they've hired. no matter who it is, he or she will prolly do the same thing: 1) go through that new shit that's supposed to be hot; 2) hit you with that classic shit only to switch songs right at the good part; 3) hit you with some hidden gems from the golden age, which only a few of you will know the words to; 4) hit you with some songs/artists frequently sampled by hip hop artists (like the isley bros., barry white, roy ayers, james brown), mixed with those 'family reunion' joints (like franky beverly and maze, luther vandross); and 5) after working the crowd into a frenzy with the old skool, force you to pledge allegiance to purple royalty or the king of pop with a prince v. michael jackson competition. mj, of course, should always win. the inspiration for this weekend's essay is point #4.

that said, i presume that most of my readers fuck with hip hop on some level, and are relatively learned when it comes to this genre of music. what i mean by that is, i don't think you all assume that these producers create all those classic melodies we've grown to love. i assume, for example, that we all understand that the most beautiful hip hop song ever, 'electric relaxation' by the tribe, is only so beautiful because of the union of a hip hop beat with ronnie foster's awesome instrumental.**

which brings me to the essay question(s): what are your favorite hip hop samples? and/or is there (part of) a song you think would make a great hip hop sample if used "correctly"? don't forget to list the artist, song, and song/artist they sampled in your response(s).

here are a few of my faves:

artist: nice & smooth
song: sometimes i rhyme slow
sample: tracy chapman, fast car
summer m. says: though "hip hop junkies" also contains a great sample (david cassidy's i think i love you), i like this song better. nice & smooth's rather simple rhymes over chapman's acoustic guitar make it an all time fave of mine.

artist: jay-z
song: hard knock life
sample: from the musical annie, it's the hard-knock life
summer m. says: when i first heard this song i thought, 'why hasn't this been done before?' if there is any musical that speaks to hip hop, it's annie. rags to riches? (no hoes to bitches?) that's right up hip hop's alley.

artist: lord tariq and peter gunz
song: deja vu (uptown baby)
sample: steely dan, black cow
summer m. says: it's pretty crazy to me that i don't know more people who fuck with steely dan. when i say steely dan, nigs be like, 'steely who?' which is odd because steely dan, well, they're, like, the shit. and their lyrics are crazy!!! not like shuggie otis crazy, but pretty damn close.

artist: bubba sparxxx
song: jimmy mathis
sample: area code 615, stone fox chase
summer m. says: this is my sleeper. i don't know if i said this before, but i really like bubba sparxxx, and not just because he hooked up with timbaland and my girl, missy. admittedly, i had to download 'stone fox chase' because i'd never heard it before. i must say, the harmonica hooked up with a timbaland beat excites me. with the exception of that whole nelly/tim mcgraw incident, i think the idea of hip hop being wedded with country music is a pretty good one. sparxxx's second album (deliverance) shows the potential of such a union.

anyway, feel free to state your all-time fave hip hop samples. or, if you like, list a song you think would be hot if somebody decided to make it "hip hop".

have a great weekend.

**if you didn't know before and are interested, atcq sampled foster's, "mystic brew" for "e.r." you can check it out on blue break beats vol. 3. the string arrangement is immediately recognizable.

also, this is just a kind and gentle reminder that you can vote as often as you like for your favorite black weblogs. and, no, you don't have to be black to vote; you just gotta be black to be nominated. kinda like running for the u.s. presidency. only in reverse.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

like farrakhan reads his daily qu'ran...: open letter #3

dear minister farrakhan,

as a general rule, i don't fuck with you. but every now and then, you say something, and i just want to shout from the rooftops, 'will somebody please listen to this muthafucka?!?!' {if i recall correctly, the nation of islam has only felt my wrath maybe once on this blog (which is interesting because as a young hater, malcolm x was my hero from 6-9th grade).} anyway, when my boy moacir sent me a link to a story chronicling some of your recent doings, i have to admit, you, mr. honorable made this homegyrl smile. summer m.? smile? yeah, yo. it blows my mind, too.

here's why:

according to, you were quoted as saying that vincente fox was right. for those of you (my readers) who don't know, black "leaders" (or as chris rock said, "substitute teachers") such as jesse jackson and the rev. al (who i kinda love, but whatever) got their boxers all in a bunch when vicente fox reportedly said that mexican immigrants were willing to work jobs that even american blacks wouldn't. the reverends cried racism and demanded that fox apologize. he, like a true g, didn't. the situation got even stickier when the mexican government issued a commemorative stamp of memin pinguin (pictured right). even more black folks got all upset and junk because of the image for reasons i suppose you see.**

now like you, i very much disagreed with the "black leaders" on these two issues for several reasons. first, it presumed that the discourse surrounding race was/is the same in the united states as it was/is in other parts of the world, and if it wasn't then it should be. and second, it posited the united states (citizens of color or not) as the racism police who seemingly had the right and authority to demand an (insincere) apology from someone who did not necessarily share their views on race (and therefore must be racist). third, it showed how that whole bread and circuses thing the romans came up with still works, though we are allegedly more sophisticated. what i mean by that is race yet again became the slight of hand employed so that folks would not pay attention to the true heart of what i believe fox's point was. that is: if your most hated racial group won't do the things people from my country do, then there's a problem here. so instead of saying, 'hey, how about us oppressed folks channel our limited resources and try to get some real social justice in here?' the conversation became, 'let's be distracted by (poor, maybe?) rhetoric.'

but mr. honorable, you saw right through that. though i don't entirely espouse the way you said it, i do like what you had to say regarding the matter. i quote from the article covering your visit to a church in milwaukee, wi, "farrakhan said sunday that blacks do not want to go to farms and pick fruit because they already 'picked enough cotton.'...'why are you so foolishly sensitive when somebody is telling you the truth?" he asked the crowd at mercy memorial baptist church. he said blacks and latinos should form an alliance to correct differences and animosity between the two communities" [my emphasis].


well i'll be. are you telling me a black male public figure (outside of barack "b-rock" obama) said something i agree with? what i liked most about your statement was the idea of truth. i'm not a philosopher or whatever, but i do think your statement about truth was the truth. follow? what i'm trying to say is, i think black folks have been pretty untruthful with themselves for sometime now, and i think it sends us barking up the wrong tree, and therefore no progress is made for the race. to put it another way, i think black people have been reluctant to dig a little deeper, and really face some things. what i mean by that is this unwillingness to really address certain issues. here are a few examples:
  • ejemplo 1: a while back i read an issue of ebony (r.i.p. john h. johnson), and one of the cover stories had to do with the seeming lack of black males on college campuses throughout the united states. now there were several possible angles that could have been taken. ebony chose to address it from the angle of the single, black, straight female having difficulty locating and securing a viable mate. now i'm not saying that this isn't an issue. believe me, i know enough single, black, straight, young women with this very "problem". however, it seemed to me that more responsible journalism would have dedicated at least some time to reasons why black males aren't on college campuses. some of which include a serious problem when it comes to retention rates (of all students of color, male or female), and the fact that something like more than 1 in 3 black men under the age of 35 or so will have in some way been incarcerated or negatively involved with the criminal (in)justice system by the year 2010. now i'm not saying that conversations on this don't happen. what i am saying is these discussions don't happen enough.
  • ejemplo 2: let me be clear, i'm not a proponent of eracing history. outside of confederate flags flying in front of courthouses, i don't agree with changing images or the names of buildings to suit persons of color who find them offensive. for example, the other week my girl rrrrachel said something to the effect that she was surprised that in the remake of the dukes of hazzard, they didn't change the name of the car (the general lee) or the hood emblem (the confederate flag), to which i pretty much replied, 'why would they?' i don't think they should change all the jefferson davis high schools to something more "p.c." in fact, if you've paid any amount of attention to my blog, you know that i truly abhor political correctness because i feel it limits language, and makes us even more inarticulate when it comes to questions of identity--especially race, because if you fuck with race on any level you soon realize that there is indeed a paucity of language surrounding it. anyway, i don't agree with "eracing" remnants of a racist past because 1) such "cover-ups", it seems to me, sort of provide an easy way out, and i fear certain groups could quite easily argue something like, "well, we changed the name of the building..." 2) to continue with the school example: who gives a damn if they change the name of robert e. lee high school if the kids inside the school couldn't tell you who robert e. lee was? i'd go on, but this entry is already exceedingly long.
  • ejemplo 3: now things get a little sticky here. i don't know if i've made this apparent to the readers, but part of the reason for your, mr. farrakhan, visit to milwaukee was to promote your upcoming millions more march. though you encouraged women and gays to attend (see below), your boy, rev. willie wilson of washington d.c. is executive director of this march. hmmmm. what a conundrum. but i digress. this black church and gay folks thing is the best example of black folks just really unwilling to address their shit. ya boy willie wilson is on record with some pretty vile and homophobic remarks (see article). now i know often it's the person tied most closely to something that ends up spewing the most hate (i mean, it's no surprise that clare kendry's husband was the one spewing the most racist rhetoric in passing), but this homophobia shit in the black church is really getting out of hand. the other weekend, my granny (my daddy's mama who does not know/acknowledge that i have a liquor license) told me that she thought this guy i grew up with was gonna become a preacher. as my sister and i stood in line together i told her, "i wanted to tell granny, 'well, i always thought he was a bla gay, anyway.'" now part of that was me being an asshole, but i don't think i make that many assholish remarks that don't have a bit of truth somewhere in them (sometimes you gotta look really deep). but instead of acknowleding that isht, nigs like willie wilson (really, can their be a more nigged out name than willie wilson?) are running around making screw and nut analogies, saying it's because the black women make more money that they're dyking it now. nigga please.

anyway, despite that last point i wanted to say thanks to you, mr. farrakhan, for encouraging women and gays (i assume you're including lesbians in that bunch, but one step at a time) to attend your upcoming millions more march in washington, d.c. october 15. i'm not sure how your boy willie took it, but i (sort of) appreciate the gesture. i hope you all welcome those who choose to go (because i'm not) with open arms. gay folks truly know how to throw a parade. a word of advice: don't feed the drag queens. they bite.

summer m., unofficial voice of the race

open letter 1
open letter 2

**it is my understanding that memin pinguin is what we would call a "trickster" figure. also, apparently, the only time memin had issues with the darkness of his skin wasn't while in mexico. it seems that one comic strip chronicled him and his friends going to the united states. it was in that strip that he was discriminated against because of his skin color.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, August 15, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

jones, mcmillan join in anti-gay marriage campaign

the conservative crusade to preserve the sanctity of and protect marriage has troops to add to the fight. no, britney spears has not had her marrying privileges taken away permanently. talk show host, star jones and ghetto lit goddess, terry mcmillan have (re)discovered their christian values, and joined in the debate concerning gay marriage-- siding with the conservatives.

"it's not that i'm against gay marriage. i'm just against gays marrying other gays," star jones' publicist read from a statement by ms. jones during a press conference early monday morning. "if such ideas go into law, can you imagine how even more limited the pool of eligible single black men will be? i'm not doing this for me, because i am the happily married star jones reynolds. i'm doing this for my girls. black women need love, too. a love like al's and mine."

though jones pledged her allegiance to a gay marriage ban out of love, mcmillan's support more than likely comes from a place of anger. just months after news hit that her (soon to be former) husband, jonathan plummer 'discovered' he was gay, and therefore sought to officially terminate his husbandly duties, mcmillan has used her book tour as an opportunity to put her two cents in the battle. "just the thought of allowing gay people to marry other gay people makes me cringe. all this peace, love, and happiness surrounding the gay lifestyle makes me sick. it's the reason why my marriage ended. what happened to the good old days when gay men passed for straight? they should make you stay in gay areas and not mingle with the natives if you're gonna act all queer. like jim crow for gay people--call it jim j. bullock, " she laughed. "i fucking hate rainbows."

"what's a marriage if you don't lie to one another?" both seem to be asking. during the view's "hot topics" segment jones said, "tell me you were at your boy's watching the game, and that you fell asleep. don't tell me you went to the titty bar. and if you're gay, that's fine. just lie to me about it. how many married couples have sex? with each other anyway? i know al and i don't. but that doesn't mean we're not in love. we're absolutely in love. i, star jones reynolds, do solemnly swear that i'm in love with my husband, the love of my life, mr. al reynolds."

to which joy behar responded, "it's apparent that you do not support gay men marrying each other, but what about lesbians?"

"oh, i looove lesbians. it makes the statistics more even. besides, they really know how to change my oil. and for cheap, too."

(eh. i'm off. my bad.)

apparently, you can vote for the black weblog awards as often as you like. who knew?

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Friday, August 12, 2005

this weekend's essay: guilty pleasures

i'm not generally ashamed to say i dig something. you all know about my unhealthy obsession with the golden girls;i've made it pretty clear that i play maroon 5's songs about jane on a regular basis; and i'll continue to love coldplay even though, among other things, chris martin married gwyneth paltrow.

there are a few things i dig that i don't advertise as much, though. often, i'll be alone enjoying such things and i'll wonder, 'what would folks say if they saw me...?' so this weekend's essay is about your guilty pleasures. sort of a lighter version of confessions. you can keep it as clean or as dirty as you want. i'm pretty sure no kids are reading this.

  • that's so raven--i know, it's a corny show, and i'm so not the demographic they intend to attract. but what can i say? i love this show. even though the writing's pretty bad (yeah, like, worse than the writing on this blog), i think raven simone is relatively talented. she's not too bad at the whole physical comedy thing. i also really hope her affiliation with disney can do for her what it did for hillary duff, lindsey lohan, and the olsen twins. minus the eating disorders, of course. oh, and, def jef produced her theme song. who in here remembers def jef?
  • ludacris' flow--i dig the mouth of the south, ok? i've pretty much had a soft spot in my heart for him since 'phat rabbit'. he's really the only mc out there that really tries to utilize his voice in all sorts of ways. you know, how busta rhymes used to do back in the day. i think he's rather clever, and i like his style. ludacris will make me like a song i otherwise wouldn't. only because of him, i fuck with the remix of u(r)sher's 'you don't have to call', and ciara's 'whoa'. i saw him right after his first album dropped in lil wheezy. i appreciate him for coming to my hometown and putting on a pretty good show.
  • maury povich--i think i mentioned this a while ago--back before i was a blogstar you all love to hate--but i just can't get enough of a show about paternity tests. call it ignorant. call it schadenfreude. call it whatever you want. i just loooove it when a woman is 1000% sure that mookie is her baby's daddy only to find out that he's not. she runs off stage, he does a victory dance. i'm telling you, moments like that are what television is all about. i cannot imagine any other reason why tv was invented. maury povich and cheaters, i tell you. i'm going to hell for watching those shows.
  • cookie dough--i like cookie dough more than i like cookies. back in the day, i used to have to wait until christmas time to get my hands on some cookie dough. now that i'm a grown ass woman, whenever i get a craving, i can walk to the store and purchase a tube of it. i take it home, grab a spoon, and eat. all that cookie dough will make you sick junk: it's all lies i tell you. all lies. i am living proof that cookie dough will not make you (that) sick. my personal favorites are snicker doodle and butter cookie dough--which i still have to wait until christmas time to get. i have a thing for cake batter, too. some junk you just never grow out of, i guess.
enjoy the weekend. if it quits raining, i'm going to deshi's (skew it on the) barbecue.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Thursday, August 11, 2005

nigga what?

right. so every now and then i actually read an article on my yahoo homepage. the other day i peeped an article on two jurors from the mj case who say they regret their decision to find him innocent. i didn't really much attention to it until another, seemingly similar article showed up on my page.

it seems that the two jurors, eleanor cook and ray hultman, not only claim to regret their decision to deem mj innocent, but they now say that other jurors pressured them into saying the gloved one was not guilty. not surprisingly, both have decided to write tell-all books and a tv movie; cook has also decided to sell t-shirts. (boy, about five slogans just came to my head. i could make her rich.)

but it can't stop, don't stop there.

in an msnbc interview, cook had the following to say about her fellow jurors who allegedly pressured her into acquitting the man in the mirror, "they should be ashamed...they're the ones who let a pedophile go."

nigga what?

it goes on...

cook's book is to be titled, guilty as sin, free as a bird. the current slogan for her t-shirt is, "Don't Snap Your Fingers at Me, Lady -- Elly Cook, Juror Number 5". her representative, hollywood producer, larry garrison had the following to say, "this is not about money...this is about the judicial system gone awry. this is about two jurors being pressured, being told they'd be kicked off the jury. elly cook is 79 years old and she doesn't give a damn about money right now. she's donating the money to feed the children."

nigga who?

i know i ain't no lawyer or hollywood producer, but a couple things:
  1. since when has money not had anything to do with the judicial system going awry?
  2. while i'm on money, let's throw in old people. since when do old people not need money? does this cat watch tv at all? there's a gazillion medications for hypochondriac old people to buy so they can live longer and do things like sit on juries and get on my nerves.
  3. "she's donating the money to feed the children." who is this chick? sally struthers?
  4. while i'm on "children", can he clarify what she means by that? iono about you, but i've known some old ladies who use the word "children" in reference to their nine cats.
  5. "...being told they'd be kicked off the jury." what is this? 5th grade recess? what? you got kicked off the team 'cause you suck?
  6. "they should be ashamed...they're the ones who let a pedophile go." yet another example of old people getting away with shit because they're old. this is a picture of the michael jackson trial jurors:

    ok maybe it's just me, but none of these people appear that scary. i mean, what did they do? threaten to cut up her medicare card? did she leave to go back to the hotel after deliberations and saw that all the tires of her motorized scooter had been flattened? i wanna know: why isn't "elly" cook part of the "they"?
  7. and while i'm on old people shit, why does she get to make t-shirts? and corny ones at that? "Don't Snap Your Fingers at Me, Lady -- Elly Cook, Juror Number 5" mmm hmmm, girlfriend, i guess you toooolllld her.
  8. i don't have an eighth point.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, August 08, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

gwen stefani is educational

if being an international superstar, lead singer of the band no doubt, gavin rossdale's wifey, and the best carbon copy of madonna this side of 1995 isn't enough, gwen stefani can add "chimp trainer" to her resume. well, sort of. researchers at the university of chicago have recently discovered that exposing their chimps to gwen stafani's music could possibly aid in teaching them to talk. though they've yet to conduct any official experiments, researchers were glad to release news that one of their chimps, mr. pickles, has learned some of the lyrics to gwen stefani's hit, "hollaback girl".

though humans and chimpanzees have been communicating via sign language for quite some time, this is the first documented evidence of chimpanzees verbally communicating with humans in such a way that humans recognized the structure of the language.

"i was completely shocked when i heard mr. pickles speak," said jimmy garrett, a graduate student working in the lab, and mr. pickles' primary observer and caretaker.** "i listen to the radio when i'm entering information into the computer, and 'hollaback girl' plays pretty often. since i was working on the computer, my back was to his [mr. pickles'] cage. all of a sudden, mr. pickles starts jumping up and down in his cage, and making noise. so much so that i couldn't concentrate. so i walked over to the cage to see what the problem was, and that's when he spoke."

according to mr. garrett, mr. pickles had defecated in his cage. though indicating that it's time for a cage to be cleaned isn't unusual, what mr. pickles did next was. again according to mr. garrett, mr. pickles picked up some of the fecal matter, and threw it at mr. garrett. " he laughed and said, 'this shit is bananas.' then he pointed and laughed again," mr. garret told reporters. "it was pretty funny if i say so myself. i was so shocked when i heard him speak that i could barely make out his next action, which was pointing at the the fecal matter on my lab coat, laughing, jumping up and down, all the while repeating, 'this my shit. this my shit.'"

though mr. pickles has yet to quote any additional lyrics from "hollaback girl," researchers at the lab are hopeful that they can use gwen stefani and other musicians to teach chimpanzees how to speak. "we're really excited about this new discovery, and we hope to prove that mr. pickes isn't an anomaly. we've already set up our lab with surround sound, and we intend to play music for the chimps 24 hours a day," said dr. zaius, head of the "chimp lab".** "we believe if the chimps can learn verbal imitation, perhaps we can teach them to create their own sentences. already, they've learned to find the rhythm of the music we play. they're great, naturally gifted dancers."

mr. pickles has already inked deals with pepsi, honda, adidas, and popeyes chicken. no word yet if he'll appear on the rumored "hollaback girl" remix.

**jimmy garrett is the name of matthew broderick's character in the 80's movie project x.
**dr. zaius is the name of one of the head apes in the classic, planet of the apes (1968).

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Friday, August 05, 2005

this weekend's essay: books you actually want to see made into movies

granted, as a general rule, i cringe when i hear that someone has decided to make a film version of a book--especially one i love. yet every now and then, i'll read something and think, this would make a really interesting movie. so...assuming that you all (whoever you are) occasionally think the same thing, i've decided to ask: which book(s) would you like to see made into a film? if you like, you can include who you'd want to direct and/or star in the film version.

some of my picks are:

the phantom tollbooth: there was an animated version of norton juster's classic tale of a young boy bored with life done maybe 30 years ago. i remember watching it in 5th grade after reading the book for the umpteenth time (it's a favorite of mine), and being extremely disappointed (even more than when i saw the animated version of the hobbit). i think it'd be really interesting to do a non-animated version of this. wouldn't you want to see how they used technology to create the watchdog or those things that blend in with other objects when milo's in the doldrums? i wouldn't mind another burton-depp hook-up for this one.

invisible man: i just think this would be a really fascinating exercise. whenever i read im, i read it almost as if the story is one long point of view shot from the im's perspective, with a few other shots thrown in every now and again. though they'd have to cut out significant parts of the text--or the movie would be like 8 hours long--i'd really like to see what a really smart team of filmmakers could do with this text. i doubt it'd be a "successful" film. meaning, somebody just interested in the process of creating the project would prolly have to fund it, because i doubt it'd turn a profit at the box office. i also think that the movie wouldn't even be that good. still, i'd like to see someone try to film it. i've no idea who i'd like to see direct the movie. but neither john singleton nor spike lee are on the top of my list. (sorry, spike, i think ellison did a good enough job of creating "problematic" female figures on his own.) and though she'd prolly play a killer mary rambo, oprah should be banned from the set at all times.

song of solomon: if beloved is the second least film-friendly (paradise being number one) toni morrison text, i think song of solomon--along with tar baby and sula--is prolly one of the most film friendly.** i'd really like to see a film version of this because whenever i read it, i get this image of an extremely colorful world. not like willy wonka colorful. but more like...well, whenever i imagine milkman on the bus heading south through the rural areas, i get this image of really verdant green surrounding his bus. i imagine all of his ancestors in shalimar, virginia having really shiny (like been coated in vaseline and sweat) skin. and, i mean, don't you want to see circe surrounded by all those dogs? it'd be sort of frightening (i do get a bit scared whenever i read that part of the book, and can't imagine how milkman didn't lose all his shit), but i really wanna see it. again, i've no clue who'd be a good match for this. i just know i don't want to see oprah name on anything affiliated with this. not even a check.

(though i have issues with odd numbers--except for the number 11 i just don't like them, but that's a long story that would do nothing but further confirm my insanity--i'm going to stop at three.)

have a great saturday and sunday.

**some useless info: akosua busia--nettie from the color purple, and john singleton's baby mama--wrote the screenplay for beloved. her sister, abena busia, is a poet and professor of english at rutgers university. also, while we're on the topic of toni morrison books to film, suzan lori-parks, the woman that wrote getting mothers body (a rewriting of as i lay dying) and the teleplay for their eyes were watching god, is allegedly writing the screeplay for paradise. which is (the writing of a screen version, that is), in my reading of the novel, damn near impossible, and anti-thetical to the point of the book.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Thursday, August 04, 2005

reasons why i'm cranky today (or, that which is currently exacerbating my general crankiness):

  • german is a pain in my big black ass.
  • it seems as if i will never be prepared for my oral exams. speaking of orals...
  • even though i've been out of the game for some time, and am generally regarded as a certified misogynist, i fantasize about women all damn day.
  • i'm still recovering from that nigga ye's impromptu appearance at the hob the other night. (and yes, the jaw is quite prominent in person. in fact, i found myself being drawn to him, but i'm pretty sure that's because my belt buckle was magnetically attracted to his face.)
  • speaking of that concert, john legend also makes me cranky.
  • star jones makes me realize my work as a hatin' ass blogstar will never be done.
  • my knee is still fucked up.
  • due to the above condition, i haven't been to the gym. thus, my insomnia has returned.
  • because i haven't been to the gym in (almost two weeks), i'm convinced that my sexy ain't all the way right.
  • charlie murphy says we can stick a fork in chappelle's show.
  • i have no clue what tomorrow's essay will be.
  • down to earth was the last thing i watched on tv last nite. it's a chris rock movie. and if you've ever seen a chris rock movie...**
  • 174 days and counting...

thank you for your time.

**except for pootie tang. pootie tang is a classic.

also, it's been brought to my attention that folks might be having some difficulty voting for the 2005 black weblog awards. just go to the site, click on "awards", scroll down to the "cast your ballot" section, fill out the form, and click "vote". once you've done that, a page should come up telling you who/what you just voted for. at least, that's what happened to me.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

snippet of a random conversation take 3

summer m.: i just want to thank you again for not being a crackhead.

mom: you're welcome.

in related news, just in case you missed it, in response to friday's essay, summer m.'s and jneezy's mommy had the following to say:

ok, i know i'm late but here's why i love you both:
1) you both have way more on the ball then i did at your age (independent women, throw you hands up at me...)
2) you know who you r and you go with it
3) u r both fuckin genius' in your own right
4) neither of you r in jail
5) you don't care what other people think
6) you loved me even tho it wasn't cool and you still do
7) you're both honest
8) even tho one of you doesn't have a job--i love ya babe [that's be me]-- you're both really hard working
9) you tell me when it's time to throw away my clothes
10)you correct my spelling; who knew xena was spelled with an x :0
11) you accept nala as your sister
by the way, tink [that'd be janelle]--#4 is nothing to be proud of :).

i'm just a hater tryin' to spread a lil more love.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

it's an honor to be nominated, nigga.

it is time for friends and members of the race to celebrate! someone had the genius idea of starting the black weblog awards, and voting for 2005 is officially underway.

i encourage any and all to head over to the website to submit nominations and cast votes.

i know that i'm definitely voting for the sex for best lgbt blog, and prolly my girl, saf for best writing in a blog. (if you're interested in my other fave blogs, let me know and i'll list them.)


(also, regarding the rules, i'm not on the staff, but i assume that if you're at least 1/16 black, you're black enough to be nominated.)

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, August 01, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

afternoon edition

just a game?

it seems the video game gestapo has its work cut out for them. just days after it was discovered that rockstar games, grand theft auto: san andreas contained a hidden, explicit sex scene, officials have decided to crack down on the video game industry with all of its might.

grand theft auto-- a game that allows players to take up the persona of a hit-man seeking to expand his drug empire by killing cops, stealing cars, doing favors for gangs, and beating up women for no apparent reason-- has caused the industry to become the object of much closer (and perhaps long overdue) scrutiny as of late. along with changing the game's rating from "m" for mature to "a" for adults only, gta was removed from store shelves, and even banned in australia; other gamemakers have already begun to feel the wrath.

"the murder and the theft, that wasn't so bad," an official said. "but the sex? that's where we draw the line." as a result, officials have temporarily hired players (mostly young males between the ages of 11-17) to uncover similar scenes in other games. "though the public has been very cooperative in tipping us off as to what games might have such sex scenes, in order for our investigation to be thorough, we have to start from the ground up. from pong to sonic the hedgehog, no game will go unplayed. we intend to uncover and analyze these alleged sex scenes thoroughly," he continued.

the investigation has already yielded big rewards. ms. pac-man, a game popular in the early 80s, included a two-dimensional yellow semi-circle eating pellets and fruits and being chased by ghosts. the "fruit-themed" stages got faster and more difficult as players got further into the game. ms. pac-man was much more popular than her husband-predecessor, pac-man; then, much of ms. pac-man's success was simply considered an unforseen benefit of the feminist movement, but now officials have uncovered what they think really sparked the game's popularity.

allegedly, after one has gotten through the "double-fruit" stages and scored 1,000,000 points, the player is rewarded by receiving a code that allows him/her to access ms. pac-man being "gang-banged" by her ghost nemeses, blinky, pinky, inky, and clyde. "we were appalled at the discovery," the official stated. "so much so that we had to watch it several times to make sure we were actually witnessing a lewd act. you'd be shocked at what's under those [the ghosts'] sheets. and i'll tell you another thing: those fruits aren't used just to keep track of which level you've reached."

the shock didn't in there for investigators. soon after discovering the hidden scene in atari's ms. pac-man, gamers turned their attention to nintendo and some of their early games. with the help of the "expert gamers", officials soon saw what was described as a "most disturbing" scene in duck hunt, the "b-side" of the original super mario bros. game that came with the nintendo game system.

presumably a hunting game where the player (along with his/her faithful dog) shoot 1 or 2 ducks with an electronic gun, the game apparently also contains bestiality. upon successfully shooting 500 ducks in a row, the animated dog rises out of the thick bush (no pun intended. well, sort of) and motions for the player to advance. by unloading the remaining "bullets" in the electronic gun until it shoots no more, players are quickly shown a screen that contains what seems to be a person in hunting gear in what officials are calling a "submissive" position. though the official we spoke to refused to provide details, he did conclude, "what that hunter trained that dog to do with those ducks is one of the most vile things i have ever witnessed."

finally, gamers discovered a secret warp-zone in super mario bros. 2, which showed what would be termed colloquially as an "orgy" between mario, luigi, toad, and princess toadstool. what's more, there's apparently a different back story than the one provided at the beginning of the game.

for one skilled enough to make it through all the levels with at least 2 lives left, he/she is told what really happened in the kingdom. it seems that the evil king koopa is in actuality a pimp, and the princess toadstool was his biggest bread winner. a conflict between the plumbers and the king started when mario fell in love with princess toadstool while she performed the act of fellatio on him. he then refused to pay for the services, and abducted her. king koopa's men found the princess and physically harmed mario badly, leaving him for dead. with the help of his brother luigi, mario recovered and pledged not only to rescue his true love from the hands of evil king koopa, but to seek revenge for the ass-whooping he got in the process. thus, as a celebratory gesture for "saving" the princess, she "thanks" all participants in her rescue by initiating group sex. to see this, players must push the "a" button after the princess asks if there are some pipes you [the player] would like to lay.

incidentally, it was also uncovered that princess toadstool's first name is peach.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison