Friday, July 29, 2005

this weekend's essay: shout out your siblings

cheers, baby!

for those of you who don't pay close attention, i'm the eldest of four. and i give my youngest sis, janelle mad love on my blog e'ry now and then. sunday (july 31) is janelle's 21st birthday (hence the destiny's child musical selection), so in honor of that, this weekend's essay has to do with siblings. do you have any? how many? why do you love/loathe them? etc. etc...

anyway, i'm gonna go ahead and present to you 21 reasons why i love my (lil) sis:
  1. janelle is a fucking superstar, and she will not let you forget it.
  2. regarding number 1, janelle will say some shit to you, or have you do some shit for her that is so surreptitiously 'diva' it'll be a minute before you realize she played you for her personal assistant.
  3. janelle is, undoubtedly, the funniest person i know.
  4. she's prolly the only person i could drink coffee (that tasted like hot chocolate) with, watch drumline and kissing jessica stein over and over, and then openly wonder why the hell we were still awake.
  5. she calls me when i'm on some bullshit.
  6. when she was a kid, she thought i was cool, even though all evidence pointed to the opposite.
  7. she can dis me so hard that my only response is silence. who else can consistently do that?
  8. the kid's got guts. she's not afraid to try and fail.
  9. she wrote the book on pimpology. everyone she's ever dated is still in love with her. and, she told her current b/f that he was gonna like her--and he did.
  10. unlike her older sister, she was generally quite the pleasant and talkative child.
  11. even though i give her shit about her musical taste (dc3, m. carey, etc.) she's just like 'fuck you. listen to this.' and i'll listen. that's dope.
  12. jneezy has an 'it's all about me' swerve going. somehow, she's able to convince a lot of people that it is all about her.
  13. CONFIDENCE. if you ever meet janelle, do this: say, 'janelle, you look really nice today.' and janelle will respond, 'i know.'
  14. whether it's going to the grocery store or taking out the trash, janelle will make that shit fun.
  15. HONESTY. if i run some shit i been thinking about by janelle, she'll be like, 'that's stupid, and i can't believe you just told me that.' i appreciate her frankness.
  16. IT'S NOT JUST HYPE. you know how you can talk about a mofo to folks, and when they meet them they're all disappointed and junk? well, janelle lives up to the hype. most folks think when i'm talking about j i'm being all hyperbolic, but when they meet her, they're like, your description of her was completely understated.
  17. what janelle wants, janelle gets. i've no clue how she does this time and time again.
  18. she's a jill of all trades: she dances, she sings, does imitations, plays (college) volleyball...
  19. OPTIMISM. though i claim it annoys the fuck outta me, janelle's optimism and sunshine-like demeanor are more pleasant than i care to admit. (in fact, i will deny even thinking such thoughts in about 30 seconds.)
  20. she makes me feel like i was a decent big sister.
  21. she loves me no matter what.

have a great weekend.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Thursday, July 28, 2005

brown paper bag test strikes back, or more feedback from my readers!

Anonymous said: This [the post entitled, 'a whole lotta yella wasted'] is utterly wrong. This whole website. An immediate dissapointment [sic] to the black race as a whole, regardless of skin tone. this is why we can't ever get along.

summer m.: hmmm...maybe fecundmellow should adopt a new motto. something like,

'setting the race back 400 years one blog entry at a time.'


*in best denzel washington training day voice* 'jim crow ain't got shit on me!' (the original movie quote is, 'king kong ain't got shit on me!')


'can't we all just get along? hell to the naw.'


'when you dissapoint black people, you've really fucked up.'

maybe i should stop alienating readers who disagree with/are critical of me. then again, it's sooo much fun! as always, we're listening!

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

arizona southern style sweet tea revisited, or fecundmellow checks email

back before i was the blogstar you have grown to love, i wrote a piece about arizona sweet tea. see, there was a time when i was hopelessly addicted to the drink, and i used to spend a great deal of my money on it. one day, i critically observed the can of sweet tea i was drinking. if anything, i found it a bit problematic, and thought it an interesting exercise to write arizona an email about the image. honestly, i was hoping they'd send me a coupon for some free tea. but they didn't. instead, i simply posted the message i wrote arizona on my blog.

just yesterday, fecundmellow got a long comment about this entry. since that entry was written sooooo long ago, i thought i'd pull it out of the archives and give a more public response to "robert's" recent laments about my little piece. if you wanna see the original post to get more context, go here. (unfortunately, due to an error on my part, the original comments are no longer available.) if not, feel free to read robert's comment and my response below.

I was doing a Google search on Arizona Sweet Tea. Trying to find this stuff in New England is hard. Anyway, I came across your Blog and I was disappointed. I and three generations of my family were born and raised in the Deep South and let me tell you what; there’s more racism and prejudicial attitudes amongst the supposed elite and enlightened New Englanders that we live among than my family EVER experienced growing up in the South. What disturbs me is that I can’t believe a person of your obvious intelligence would pull “The Race Card” over a picture on a can of Tea. When people of ANY color think of Sweet Tea and the Deep South, the images that come to mind are Weeping Willow trees, lazy rivers, cotton & tobacco fields, Honeysuckle & Magnolia trees and yes; Plantations - big, white, beautiful, stately-looking Plantations. So, what picture did you think Arizona would print on their can for Southern Sweet Tea; the Sears Tower? Get a life, girl. One based on what's happening in THIS century would be best. Robert

robert: let me dignify your comment with a response.

I and three generations of my family were born and raised in the Deep South and let me tell you what; there’s more racism and prejudicial attitudes amongst the supposed elite and enlightened New Englanders that we live among than my family EVER experienced growing up in the South.
1) this post wasn't about racism. in fact, it was about an image on a can of tea and the loaded implications of that picture. in a nutshell: i deconstructed a tea can. now since you're a newbie, i'll go ahead and inform you that this blog is a whole lot of tongue-in-cheek. that said, the point of the post was to consider problematic pictures we let go unnoticed, and further to consider why we still hold onto images that 1) (continuously) position the south as some temporally stagnant other, and 2) affectionately look back at a time without considering everything that occurred during the period. meaning: what was necessary to construct this idyllic image?

2) no one is playing the 'what region is more racist?' game except maybe you. obviously there is racism everywhere. and in no way was i intimating that new englanders (or anyone not southern for that matter) were/are more or less racist than southerners. arizona's headquarters are in new york (a union state, or not the south last time i consulted a map), and they're the ones who ok'd the can, not southerners. but since you so mistakingly think i'm calling southerners racist, let me just say: i have plenty of venom for southerners, new englanders, middle westerners, and anybody else who dares discriminate on the basis of race. and, i'm not from nor have i lived in new england. but frankly, like i've said before, that wasn't the point of my post. stay on topic, playa.

What disturbs me is that I can’t believe a person of your obvious intelligence would pull “The Race Card” over a picture on a can of Tea. When people of ANY color think of Sweet Tea and the Deep South, the images that come to mind are Weeping Willow trees, lazy rivers, cotton & tobacco fields, Honeysuckle & Magnolia trees and yes; Plantations - big, white, beautiful, stately-looking Plantations. So, what picture did you think Arizona would print on their can for Southern Sweet Tea; the Sears Tower?
3) you're right, my intelligence is pretty obvious, so no argument there. and i wasn't pulling "the race card," i was critically observing a piece of merchandise. oprah calling her hermes denial her "crash moment" is playing the race card. me considering the societal undertones of an image on a can? hardly.

4) um...maybe that's how you and your three generations of family regard the south. but for others, that part of the country was a space for rampant terrorism for, like, lots and lots of years. so while you and huck finn ride down the fucking mississippi eating catfish and shit, others had experiences that were, i dunno, super waaay worse than nigger jim's, and were trying to get the fuck out of that bitch.

5) no, i wouldn't suggest the sears tower be on the can of some sweet tea. that'd be, like, i dunno, stupid. and since you've already claimed to see my alleged intelligence, i've no clue why you'd assert i'd make such a stupid suggestion. but your other options--the magnolias...lazy rivers...blahblahblah are all fine with me. it's just those "stately" plantations i have a problem with. because, like, you know, there was an institution put in place so that such "beautiful" and "white" places could exist.

Get a life, girl. One based on what's happening in THIS century would be best.

6) first of all, next time you call me girl i'ma jump through this computer and kick your dumb ass. i'm fucking 25, i've been getting visits from aunt flo for some time now. therefore, you will refer to me as a grown ass fucking woman. if you cannot remember to call me grown ass fucking woman, asshole will suffice.

while i'm out getting a life, why don't you get a clue? even if i tried my damndest to concentrate on the 5 years that make up this century, i'd prolly have to go back, iono, maybe to like the 1990s to explain
some things going on in this young century. seems like you go to the robert richards skool of race in america. because it seems to me, in order to take your advice i'd have to ignore the historical issues that explain why people are in their present positions. besides, like i said, i was talking about a fucking tea can, not contemplating whether or not the south is (still) racist. but you went there, so i played along.

and instead of signing off by telling you to suck my dick, how about you go pick some strange fruit to nibble on from that there magnolia tree?

did you get that last line?

point: fecundmellow

feel free to send fecundmellow feedback. we can be reached via email or in the comment section.

p.s. i know this response was a bit harsh, but i fucked up my knee rather badly, and it's making me wish i had a girlfriend, and therefore i am crankier than usual.

(yes, that was a shameless attempt at eliciting sympathy.)

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, July 25, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

security system makers to follow cell phone business

ring tones are big money. from mp3s of popular songs to midi versions, cellular phone companies have generated significant amounts of revenue by selling ring tones to their customers. and other companies have taken notice.

in fact, several security alarm manufacturers are now offering their own version of ring tones to suscribers. adt fire and security systems, one of the united states' leading security providers, is currently offering a ring tone special to new customers. "ring tones aren't just for cell phones anymore," a spokesperson for the company said. "one of the biggest complaints we get is how dissonant our alarm sounds are. now, with the ring tone feature, people have a greater choice in how their system sounds when it goes off. we're even offering bose speakers so customers and burglars alike can get the full effect of the song. people have really been receptive."

from 50 cent's "p.i.m.p." to original recordings of "ocean waves" and "the mating call of the humpback whale," adt security system buyers now have a variety of choices when it comes to their alarm system. upcoming versions will allow homeowners to create a sort of "break-in playlist." "just like people program special ringtones when someone is calling from a particular phone number, our new technology will allow you to program a song for every room in your house," the spokesperson continued. " so, if someone is trying to break into the bathroom window, you might hear bobby darin's 'splish splash'; if he or she tries one of your bedroom, she might hear the isley brothers' 'between the sheets.' it's really up to the customer."

up and coming bands have also expressed interested in working with security companies. at a discounted rate, bands who've yet to sign a record deal can get their songs heard in hopes of gaining more exposure. though the technology is still quite young, there is already a success story. a top a&r record executive signed the rock band, fish sticks after hearing their song (which will appear on their debut album) while visiting a relative. "all i know is i woke up to glass breaking somewhere in the house. obviously that shook me a little. but then i heard this really soothing guitar riff, and i started thinking to myself, 'who is that?' the next day at breakfast, i asked my cousin about it, and he told me about these new ring tones. i made a few calls, and the rest is history. those crooks might've gotten away with my rolex, but i've got a new band. and they're gonna be stars."

along with featuring "unsigned hype," adt is also in the process of creating a special edition of their security system--much like the u2 ipod, which was released in conjunction with the band's latest album. though they've yet to solidify a band, adt's spokesperson claims that the rolling stones, r.e.m., and thompson twins are all interesting in the project. both sides hope to secure a deal by fall.

though downloads are currently 7.99 per thirty day usage, adt hopes that prices will come down a bit once more people start choosing the service.

eh. so i'm off a little. sue me. if this were a tv series this would be a rerun.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Friday, July 22, 2005

this weekend's essay: shit that bothers you (that prolly shouldn't.)

though i come off as an irascible asshole on this blog, in person, i'm a pretty laid back mofo with not too many pet peeves. i pretty much go with the flow. but i started wondering: what is it that really gets under my skin? then i thought, should these things really peeve me? what things bother me that prolly shouldn't, but bother me anyway? does that make sense? i've intentionally left off oprah, black publik intellexshuls, and dirty sneakers. you know, shit i regularly gripe about. anyway, here goes:
  1. black dudes who can't play basketball. forgive me for being an essentialist--yet again--but it is the oddest thing to see a black dude unable to play basketball with some relative ease. i mean, am i the only person who finds such a thing disconcerting? seriously, it is painful to witness a slap-dribbling, two-hand shooting, tripping over the half-court line traveling, black dude running up and down the court. i'm not saying you have to be a star, but damn, please have a decent 15-foot jumper.
  2. kids on answering machines. I HATE THIS!!!! some people don't particularly care for the robotic greeting, i hate the snot-nosed kid greeting. if i've ever left a message on your voicemail, you know how inarticulate i get. imagine me inarticulate and angry. if your kid just learned to talk and/or her numbers, that's great. it does not mean that you assign her the job of recording a greeting for your answering machine. to add insult to injury, i can't stand it when the following things are accompanied by infant greetings: 1) the fucking applause at the end. when i worked for a newspaper, i heard many, many parents applauding their kids after they "successfully" recorded the greeting. ugh!!! 2) the translator factor. you know this. the kid plays "translator" to the parent. parent, "you have reached..." kid, "do have weached..." I HATE THAT SHIT!!!!
  3. people who don't watch tv. it's not the not watching tv part that bothers me. it's those people who think they should get some sort of cookie for "claiming" they don't watch tv. look, i'm not saying watching tv is a good thing. in fact, i'm pretty sure my undiagnosed a.d.d. is the result of the all the tv i've watched. but all i'm saying is not watching tv is its own dysfunction, and folks need to recognize that. not watching tv doesn't make you noble, and it sure as hell doesn't make you smarter; in fact, it might just make you kinda weird. you're gonna raise your kids without television? fine. but you're just gonna get them beat up in skool. and they prolly deserve it. but, really, i wanna know: if you don't watch tv, what the fuck do you do?
  4. old people on their old people shit. i don't like it when old people think they can break the rules and be assholes just because they're old. in fact, several weeks ago, i pledged to stop respecting folks of age, and start calling old people on their shit when they deserve it. i'm done respecting my elders when they do all kinds of wrong. two things brought me to this conclusion.

    case 1: several weeks ago, saf and i hit the queen for some blizzards. i was driving, and mistakingly parked in a handicapped spot. now in my defense, the painted stick figure in the wheelchair was totally faded, and there was no sign. anyway, saf and i walked in, ordered our stuff, and ate. when we came out, this older white couple was coming towards us. the husband looks at me and asks, 'are you handicapped?' and i'm like, 'no.' and then he bitches about me parking in the damn (faded) handicapped spot. in a split second, i decided not to rip this old man a new one. but later, i thought, he fucking would have deserved that shit. first, neither he nor his wife appeared to be struggling to walk the 10 feet to the door. second--and this is the killer--they parked right next to me! it wasn't as if i'd parked in the last spot in the front and they had to walk all across the parking lot and shit. but he still felt the need to disrespect me. why? because he's fucking old.

    case 2: i've recently become a gym rat, and before i started going at the butt crack of dawn, i used to run into this older black woman in the cardio rotunda. now i'm a creature of habit, and i have a particular treadmill that i like to use--#8 because it's a bigger treadmill, the tv works, and it's right under an a/c vent. now i've always been cordial to this woman. i smile at her, say hi and shit. but she's always breaking the cardio rotunda rules. it'd be one thing if the rules were some secretive, word-of-mouth things that you just learned along the way. but the rules are plastered everywhere! now the rule she enjoys breaking is the time rule. you get 45 minutes per machine, and you're only supposed to sign-up for one machine at a time. i would sign up for my allotted 45 minutes, and wait for her to get off. now the first time she apologized for running over time, and got off. the second time, she claimed that she thought she'd signed up for longer than she did, and then had the nerve to request that i allow her to finish her workout. curious, after that particular workout, i checked out the sign-up sheet. i discovered that this woman generally signs up for at least an hour if not more--which is against the rules. and she had the nerve to ask for an additional 15 minutes? fuck her. but that's not all.

    one time, she was on treadmill #9--right next to my fave #8 obviously. while i'm stretching and talking to nahmix, i notice her get off the machine. she walks over to the sign-up sheet, and then walks back towards the treadmills. she gets on #8. now this is odd to me, but i don't trip, because there are still about five minutes until my turn. but after those five minutes, i see she's still on. so i walk over to the sign-up sheet, and see that this bitch had the audacity to scratch my name out! i walk over to her, and ask her if she marked my name out because i'd signed up for this machine. this bitch had the nerve to tell me that she did that because no one was on the machine. now in a certain situation, that would be a legitmate excuse, for if the person who signed up for the machine doesn't get on the machine within five minutes of their sign-up time (meaning, if you've signed up for 730, you need to be on by 735), s/he relinquishes his/her right to use it. but since my time hadn't technically started, that was some bullshit. what's more, she said the reason why she switched machines was because she couldn't hear the tv on the other machine, and then had the nerve to ask me why i didn't stop her when she went to sign up for #8. do i look like the fucking cardio rotunda monitor? but instead of cussing her the fuck out like she obviously deserved, i simply told her that #12's tv picture and sound worked fine. for a brief moment, i thought she was going to ask me why i didn't simply go to that one, but i think she thought better of it. instead, she walked over to that machine--without signing up for it. of course, half way through my run she interrupts me and tells me she can't figure out how to turn on the damn treadmill. i, having home training, get off my treadmill mid-run, go over, and press the big-ass green "on" button for her old ass.
ahhh. i feel better. please feel free to get some things off your chest.

as always, have a great weekend.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

snippet of a random conversation: take 2

summer: yeah, well i just didn't know if i needed to attach it [some additional part] to the actual air conditioner itself.

dad: well, just make sure when you put it in, it's secure. next thing you know, a strong wind will come, knock it [the air conditioner] out the window, and it'll fall, and you'll kill somebody.


summer: aight then. thanks, dad.

this is what i mean when i say my dad disasterizes situations. interestingly enough, this scenario didn't end up in homelessness, but rather involuntary manslaughter. needless to say, i am now more paranoid than ever about my a/c falling out of my window.

until next time, you might scroll down and peep sex tag or snippet take 1 if you haven't already. there is also being bobby brown: the blog which will assuredly prepare you for tomorrow night's new episode.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

get your freak tag

today is a slow blogging day. so, i thought i'd pick up on sex tag. saf started this meme several weeks ago, and i just dropped the ball. now that i've been reminded of my promise to post this junk by mwilli, i thought i'd go ahead and write it up.

i cannot promise that i'll be totally forthright, but you know, that's just my style.

here goes...
  1. how did you learn about sex? i suppose soap operas initially. then moms. if you've met brenda c. you know how honest homegirl is. she had/has a 'keep it (REALLY) real' approach to parenting.
  2. did you ever play crazy 'exploratory' games as a kid? nah, not really. i had imaginary friends as a kid, and they weren't putting out.
  3. how old were you when you lost your virginity? 29...(i'm 25.)
  4. what is the worst sex you ever had? no sex-if no sex is a kind of sex, and i believe it is-- is the worst kind of sex i've ever had.
  5. what is the best sex you ever had? that one time with me, res, and...wait. that never really happened.
  6. have you ever been caught having sex? one cannot be caught when one is not engaging in the activity.
  7. where is the wildest place you've ever had sex? let me look into the archive...prolly my former boss' office...on her the middle of the day...with the door unlocked. (stupid, stupid, stupid...)
  8. what sex would you take back if you could? since there is generally a 90 day policy on returns, and i don't have the receipt, i doubt if i could even get a store credit. but i guess i'd take back several sexcapades with my ex. and fucking around with boys now kinda proves pointless. but, you know, whatever.
  9. what sex would you have if you could go back? according to my friends--saf, nahmix, and a couple others--i have passed up TONS of pussy, er uh, ass. (they may yearn to elaborate in the comments sextion.) since--according to saf--i have no social skills, i have somehow fucked up these potential liaisons. therefore, i just wanna say to all the girls i coulda loved before (that might be reading this blog, but prolly aren't), 'if given another chance, i'd love to lay ya down. it's not that i didn't want to in the first place. see, i have this thing where i never know when a girl is flirting with me, so i say the wrong things if i say anything at all. it's not you. it's me. i'm totally inept in the flirting department. and, well, i always have these crazy internal dialogues in my head that prevent me from appearing like a normal human being. they also preclude me from flirting back. and i just wanna say...'
  10. what is your favorite 'kind' of sex? real-life sex. you know, as opposed to imaginary sex.
  11. do you have sexual hang-ups? yeah, i can't get any. but if i ever got any, i would just need to make it clear that my bedroom is a pee free zone. just in case i hook up with a roberta kelly.
  12. porn/pros/strip shows/swinging/s&m? believe it or not (and you prolly won't), if i ever watch porn (soft/hard/whatever), and i rarely do, it's for the acting. it's so bad it cracks me up. anyway, i will not pay for sex. watching strangers strip is not alluring to me. you can swing on deez mcnuts. and i'm not really into whips and chains and shit (slavery, anyone?), but if you wanna do some lightweight s&m, i'll give it a shot.
  13. what have you tried? i've tried to get some. it didn't work.
  14. what would you like to try? i'd like to try to have sex again before i die.
  15. who is your dream partner? a female, preferably still, i can't really call it. anyone in the upcoming 'women i'd like to catch the gay' entry will do.
  16. if you had to fill in this blank--"i'm a ______ in bed"--what would you fill it with? cover hog...hmmm. i guess i'd say, i'm a customer service representative in bed. how may i help you? you know, like, if i ever got the chance, in my own controlling way i'd aim to please and shit.
  17. what is your favorite word for sex? coitus. but since that term is heteronormative in its definition (see, i can be a good dyke, too!), i'll just go with that. coitus. and that's my final answer.
  18. what's more intimate--kissing or humping? kissing--intimacy according to pretty woman.
i suppose if someone wants me to really answer these questions they'll ask, and i shall do so more honestly perhaps in the comments. until next time, you've been tagged.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, July 18, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

rove again plays tattletale, summer m. back on punishment
for the first time in 10 years, your favorite blogger summer m. is on punishment. and she claims to have karl rove to blame. it seems that the bush advisor "leaked" the information that it was summer m. who broke her mother's vase back in 1991. "he's a fucking snitch ass bitch," summer m. was overheard saying after being scolded by her mother via cell phone yesterday. "when i get done with him, he's gonna need more than hair plugs. it's on, nigga, it's on."

according to reports, summer m. allegedly broke the vase that stood by the fireplace in the family room during a wrestling match with her younger brother, david. though much of the evidence pointed towards human error, a then 11 year old summer m. was able to coerce her brother into backing up her story that it was the dog chasing her shadow that broke the vase. though they didn't have a dog at the time, summer m.'s complicated lie that it was the neighbor's dog over for a visit proved a dubious, but plausible excuse, as she was supposed to be dogsitting for the neighbors off rving out west. thus, there was no one but the young and still scrawny 7 year old david to back up the lie.

14 years later, summer m. thought she was free as a bird from being charged with that offense. until mr. rove let it slip that he knew who the "real culprit" was. mr. rove, of course, denies any wrongdoing. his spokesperson claims that mr. rove never revealed the name of the "real culprit" but simply suggested to summer m.'s mother, brenda c. that "her eldest daughter" was to blame for the incident.

once she received the news, brenda c. contacted her now 25 year old daughter on her cell phone. "when i found out, all i could say was, 'hell to the naw.' i told her [summer m.] back in '91 i'd get to the bottom of this, and now she knows i was serious," brenda c. said during a phone interview. "there's no statute of limitations in my house. she might be grown, but she's still my child. so i put her on punishment."

though summer m. refused to comment, she confirms that her punishment includes yard work, no "start a rumor mondays..." for the next three weeks, and a stint in ex-gay camp. karl rove's response is rumored to have simply been, "i've already said too much."

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Sunday, July 17, 2005

stewie says...

'this week's "start a rumor..." will be up monday afternoon. so check back later for that. in the meantime, check out the recently updated being bobby brown: the blog. or, scroll down for the girl fight that was last weekend's essay.'

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Friday, July 15, 2005

this weekend's essay: hey (lil mama) lemme whisper in your ear...confess something

it doesn't have to be anything major. major things might be best for postsecret (the best blog ever!!). but confess what you will.
  1. the other day i actually thought, 'whatever happened to rick moranis?' and contemplated for a moment before laughing at my own silly self. (i don't care what you say, my blue heaven is a classic, and his performance in ghostbusters was amazing.)
  2. when i'm alone and feeling confident, i play prince's 'baby i'm a star' very loudly and sing along.
  3. i find most of the people in my department extremely boring, uninteresting, and not even half as smart as they think they are. this assessment does not exclude me.
  4. i use epithets (nigga, dyke, bitch) not simply to remove certain connotations from the word, and to work within the stereotype in a very small effort to transform them (like other, much smarter and influential people), but also because i like the way they sound. i believe that as a member of certain marginalized groups i have every right to use them, and every right to kick someone's ass who is not a member yet uses them. not that i would, i just have the right to.
  5. i've heavily considered the idea that some women are lesbians and/or feminists because they are seemingly physically unattractive to others (i.e. men).
  6. there is a list of "black public intellectuals" (some i know, or have met) that fuel me to finish my ph.d. program. not because they are inspiring, but because i so greatly dislike them. it is therefore my intention to get this degree as a(nother) tool to get to a point of kicking ass instead of kissing it--and to name names while i'm doing it.
  7. if i were deemed brilliant by enough people i respected, that'd be quite wonderful. i doubt, however, that i would believe them.
  8. i am more afraid of success than failure.
ok. your turn.

have a great weekend.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

niagara movement reconsidered: open letter #2

dear julian bond, bruce s. gordon, and (esteemed) leaders of the naacp:

let me begin by saying that i am not a member of your organization. never have been, probably never will be. now a generation ago, this might have been a mark of shame. but currently, i sort of wear this truth as a badge of honor--sort of like the literature i've never read though i claim to be a ph.d. student in english, but that's another story.

perhaps you are alarmed by such news. i mean, on one hand, i am your ideal member: i'm black, i have a couple post-secondary degrees under my belt, i'm in a ph.d. program. hell, one slip up and i am on my way to the black middle class. it's a slippery slope i tell you. yet despite my credentials, i have yet to fork over a dime to join your organization. granted, i abhor (the idea of) organizations, and i am also a young person, a member of the hip hop generation if you will. so on one hand, this isn't surprising. yet on the other, i'm a shit-talking marginalized subject getting screwed by da man each and every day. so it would make some sort of sense that i'd be attracted to an organization with your legendary track record.

but as i recalled that your annual convention was being held this week not too far from me, i started thinking to me my hot self (myself be so hot), "remind me, summer m,"--that's what i call myself when i'm thinking to myself, summer m.-- "why do you loathe this group again?" granted, i could have told myself that i am not a member because you say the same shit every year. (how many times can you rip dubya a new one with the same speech, mr. bond? he still ain't coming to speak to you. and neither is vicente fox for that matter. shit, i'm not coming to speak to you and i love to procrastinate.) but i didn't. i problematized myself right there in my car, and i came to the realization: the reason why folks like dubya, fox, me, etc. no longer give the naacp the time of day is because you've lost a bit of your pull, your clout so to speak.

consequently, i decided not to simply point out the problem, but to offer you all some really concrete and tangible suggestions. you all--the naacp, that is-- have an image problem. everyone has to switch up their image every now and then to stay (so) fresh (and so clean, clean!). (remember when aunt jemima got a perm?) you haven't evolved with the times. and so i, summer m., self-appointed (un)official voice of 'the race,' have compiled some suggestions to help you mount a comeback bigger than the tragic moolatte of the moment, mariah carey.

might i suggest:

1. switch up your letters: let's be real, here. naacp is sooooo 1909. there are, like 22 other letters in the alphabet you've yet to use. besides, if you're going to have an acronym of that length, one should really be able to pronounce it like a legitimate word. i think these letters are totally expendable. i mean, if you asked a person what naacp stood for, would they know? exactly. just off the cuff, n.i.g.g.a., j.i.g.a.b.o.o., or c.o.t.t.o.n are some acronyms you might try on for size.

2. get a motto: what's an organization without a motto? exactly. a wack one. i think a brainstorming session with some of your young, creative minds might be just the trick to come up with a new slogan. you all really need to be edgier. get raw. come up with a tagline that shows you're not the middle class bitches (maybe our friend 50 cent would call you seductive!) everyone says you are. here's a few to get you all started (i'll use your current acronym until you come up with another one):

--naacp: strictly for my niggas
--naacp: too sexy to be lynched
--naacp: yo' mama!
--naacp: step 'n' fetch this!
--naacp: big black africa coming back for that white ass!
--naacp: se habla espanol
--naacp: slavery chains were the first bling

3. get a new theme song: let's be honest here, nobody knows all three verses to the black national anthem, 'lift every voice and sing' (there are three, right?). in fact, how many people know there's a black national anthem? i say you get all the hot black stars out now, and get the neptunes and kanye west to produce the track. sure, some rappers might end up shooting each other, but i guarantee bongos, a sped up sample, and the nigga pharrell on falsetto (see these ice creams?).

4. go the television route: what gives you more exposure than a television show? that's right. nothing. since you all are busy in milwaukee, wi with the convention and all, i've come up with a few suggestions you might pitch to television execs when things slow down. you kill two birds with one stone with this one. 1) you get more black people on tv. 2) your organization gets more exposure. what about:

--extreme makeover: voter registration booth
--fabulous life of: black democrats
--name that racist!
(a game show, of course)
--pimp my freedom ride
--black america's next top leader
(reality tv, fa'sho; i'm positive barack obama, russell simmons, jesse jackson, the rev. al, and jay-z are great candidates)

5. other suggestions: here are some other things that have been successful for people as of late:

--an energy drink. nelly has pimp juice, lil jon has crunk, why can't kool-aid become the official drink of the naacp?
--a new mascot. a slave rocking a bullet proof vest and some iced out chains, perhaps?
--get sexy in crisis magazine. from the jet beauty of the week to xxl's eye candy, everybody has a scantily clad black female centerfold nowadays. you can even make sure they're actual members, too. the act-so awards might be a great place to start looking for possible 'models.'
--sell to viacom.
--date katie holmes.

anyway, i hope this helps. if you use any of these ideas and credit me, i'll become a lifetime member. promise.

summer m., self-appointed (un)official voice of 'the race'

open letter#1

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

snippet of a random conversation: take 1

summer: do you really think i'm crazy?


nahmix: i do think you're a bit psychotic.

summer: really?

nahmix: *nods head quickly; assuredly*

summer: *laughs hysterically*

i don't know why this was so funny to me.

something substantive another time.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, July 11, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

confused bush nominates wynonna, reinhold for the supreme court

in another adorable misstep this morning, our beloved president, george dubya bush nominated wynonna for the supreme court position vacated by newly-retired justice, sandra day o'connor during his monday morning news conference. notifying reporters that this speech was one that he'd 'made it up all by myself,' our pal dubya took the podium with an air of confidence the american public hadn't seen since he'd "wiped his boots on the face of that damn yankee" last november.

his statement began pleasantly enough, extending more condolences to the people of london, and even telling a joke or two about the bet awards he and condoleezza rice had caught last week. but when he got down to business, things took an embarrassingly humorous turn.

'it is with great pleasure that i reveal to the american public my nomination to replace justice o'connor,' the president said. ' she and me have known each other a long, long time. we used to drink moonshine and talk about our grandpappies. she's a top-notch singer, and can hold her liquor with the best of 'em. it is with great pleasure that i nominate wynonna for the supreme court. i'da picked one of the others, but her mother's [naomi] retired from the business and her sister ashley is making a movie right now. besides, i think she's the best judd there is.'

a bit stunned with his announcement, bush advisers quickly pulled the prez aside to consult with him. he returned to the podium, ostensibly amused with his own mistake. 'seems i made a mistake,' he laughed. 'all this time i thought i was supposed to be nominating a judd, not a judge.' he stood there silently for a moment, apparently thinking. 'well what about that one fella?' he asked both his advisers and reporters. 'you know, the one that was kinda big in the 80s--was in beverly hills cop? what's his name?'

'judge reinhold?' a reporter guessed.

'yeah, him. what about him?'

'well, mr. president, he's an actor,' another newsperson offered.

'but his name is judge.'

'actually, mr. president, that's a nickname. his real name is edward, i believe.'

'oh. well, i'll have to get back to you on this nomination thing. now if you'll excuse me i need to make water.'

ahh...the american public laughs, shrugs and simply says, 'that's our george!'

other top stories

winfrey chastises live 8 for exclusion
less than a month after having her crash moment with the parisian luxury store, hermes, media mogul oprah winfrey is calling her exclusion from the live 8 activites her imitation of life moment.

though there is no word yet if winfrey will discuss this apparent snub on her talk show during the fall season, winfrey did release a statement through her publicist, 'her exclusion from the live 8 festivities brings ms. winfrey immense sadness. though she is not a musician, ms. winfrey has o magazine south africa, and is currently building a school there. if those entities and the extremely large diamonds in her ears prove anything, it's that ms. winfrey is just as --if not more so--invested in and (feeling) guilty of white patriarchy than anyone with the right skin color and/or genitalia.'

there is no word yet if bob geldof and the gang plan to (bitch up and) apologize to ms. winfrey.

in a related story

jolie to be new face of old country buffet
hollywood hottie (and a fave of this blogger), angelina jolie has recently agreed to represent old country buffet in its autumn ad campaign. the national restaurant chain approached jolie last week, after the adoption of her ethiopian aid baby was finalized.

though the details of the deal weren't released, sources did confirm that jolie would say something in the realm of, 'eventually, my family will be a smorgasbord. at old country buffet, you family can eat at a smorgasbord.'

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Tyrone says:

"Being Bobby Brown: the Blog has been updated. Gimme some crack!"

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Thursday, July 07, 2005

whitney and bobby say:

'the nigga bobby brown got another hit!!!! '

just a gentle reminder that new episodes of being bobby brown--with over 1.1 million viewers, the highest rated thursday premiere in bravo history--will air tonite on bravo at 9 pm central time.

if you haven't already, check out the critical review of last week's episodes here.

also, i know the rumor was a bit long, but that ain't my fault. next time rig the voting.

just take it in spurts, homie. *scroll down*

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

(start a rumor monday...) wednesday edition

news briefs (or boxers, your choice)
y'all voted, it was a tie

jonathan plummer catches the gay...summer m. loses hers.

san francisco, ca.--a week after news sources revealed that niggafied lit icon, terry mcmillan had lost her groove due to the gay epidemic spreading around the country like wild fire (especially in parts of northern california), more bad news is coming her way. just days after media throughout the country reported the break-up of mcmillan's six year marriage to jonathan plummer, 23 years younger and the inspiration for the book and movie, how stella got her groove back, in a much less publicized story, blogger and shit talker extraordinaire summer m. is also suing terry mcmillan for what her law student representative is calling, 'crimes against her [client's] sexuality.'

'ms. mcmillan slept with summer m. to prove once and for all that she was not homophobic, as her soon-to-be ex-husband, jonathan plummer has alleged in his lawsuit against her.' the poor black graduate student's representative stated. 'as a result, summer m. claims that the experience traumatized her so badly that she is no longer a lesbian, but is in fact, and i quote, "straighter than the light saber stuck up george lucas's white ass."' she went on to read her client's own statement to the public:

"jonathan plummer is not a golddigger. he's a [bleeping] saint. believe me, if i were him, i'da pulled a disappearing act on their wedding night. i agreed to sleep with terry mcmillan because she promised to pay for my lasik eye surgery. but one look at those 53 year old breasts, and my mouth got dry--literally. i gasped, but it seemed like forever before i exhaled. all i know is if i was a guy and had to sleep with her for six years, i'd be gay, too. now excuse me while i go get dicked down by pimpin khem**.

no word yet if summer m. will appear in court during the plummer/mcmillan divorce proceedings. but plummer is in talks to star in diary of a mad black gay dude to be written and produced by tyler perry. (oh, c'mon, now. they're JUST friends.)

**for those of you who don't know and/or are newcomers to this thang here, pimpin' khem allegedly tried to fuck me after i told him i liked girls, AND after he revealed to me that he was married with two kids (daughters, the same age) both by two different women--neither of whom were his wife. for more info, go here.

boogieman, other monsters sue kels

chicago, il--working off the momentum of unlikely hit(s), 'trapped in the closet parts 1-752,' r. kelly released tp.3 reloaded, his 8th solo effort. though 30 charges of child pornography (among other things) hasn't seemed to slow his artistic production down, it seems a few imaginary friends might.

found occasionally under the beds of children, the boogie man and other members of his rap crew are feeling more than trapped in the closet these days. in fact, they're angry, and feeling betrayed. in their recent lawsuit against r&b crooner, r. kelly, the boogieman (known affectionately and in hip hop circles as boogs) and his crew claim that the idea for r. kelly's 5 part saga, 'trapped in the closet' (playing on an urban radio station near you) was initially their idea. other monster in the closet and fellow crew member, boo, had this to say about the matter:

'first we was kinda skeptical, you know? i mean, what the hell is a grown ass nigga doing in a little girl's closet? then we saw it was kels and we knew why. he said he had come there for artistic inspiration or some shit, so we was like, "cool, can we be down?" me, boogs, and the crew have been trying to get on for years. we rapped for him. whatever whatever. so he [kels] was like "cool."' boo continued, 'so while that nigga kels was hanging with us, my nigga boogs comes up with this idea. he came at us like, "what if we wrote some shit about being trapped in this closet, you know, the struggles of being a monster stuck in this lifestyle and shit?" so me and kels was like "cool." so we start vibin' and shit--freestyling, ciphering, whatever. and then i was like, "what if we made this shit like a saga, you know? rocky got five parts, we should make our shit five parts." so boogs and kels was like "cool." anyway, next thing i know, we watching bet while the lil girl was at school or whatever, and this nigga kels done came out wit' a song called 'trapped in the closet.' so me and boogs was like, [no, not "cool"] "what the fuck?" first we was shitty because that was our title, our idea, whatever whatever. and then this nigga had the nerve to turn it into some gay shit? we peeped the writing credits and shit on allmusic and saw that this nigga ain't even bother to thank us for holding him down while he was in here wit us. so we was like shitty, whatever whatever. boogs was like, "yo, boo, we need a lawyer." so we called one up, told him our story, and he was like, "cool. i think you got a case." so now we doing this legal shit, trying to get our reparations and shit.

'don't you mean royalties?'



r. kelly has yet to comment.

cruise po' pimpin' at the bet awards

los angeles, ca--showing up to give his main nig, jamie foxx the bet award for best male actor (because, according to insiders, 'if any other nigger wins this goddamn award and i have to shake his hand, i will jump on your fucking face the way i jumped on oprah's couch.'), war of the worlds star, tom cruise got in a bit of a scuffle with snoop dogg and the bishop magic don juan backstage.**

according to sources, the doggfather and the bishop got physical with cruise after he told both of them that they 'ain't know shit about pimpin'. pimpology is a pseudoscience meant to a make the societally disadvantaged and emasculated black male feel empowered.' cruise concluded, 'all you need is some vitamins, some s-c-i-e-n-tology and logically you'll be learning them hoes biology, and obviously well.'**

a stagehand repeated what she saw and heard after cruise laughed and walked away, signally he was done with the two. 'all i know is i heard snoop yell, "who the fuck does this crackizzle think i am? cuba gooding?" then he and the bishop ran after him. luckily, jada [pinkett smith] was there to stop it all. i don't know where will [smith] was.** i think i heard something about ali just being a movie role.'

despite the physical altercation, cruise went on with his insults during after-show interviews. he told bet news reporters, 'what do you know about black people? i know robert deniro. personally. i hang out with jamie foxx. i just found out my son is biracial. which means he's part black. i'm pretty sure that's what oprah said--that he's part black. and he's son. i love him. because...he' son. i know black people. i know their history. i saw roots. i even call katie holmes my bitch. it's just me and her, you know? me and my bitch.'

though cruise had only minor injuries, and was not squirted in the face during the interview with a fake microphone, r. kelly did pee on him. allegedly.

**the bishop don magic juan is a famous chicago pimp known to many by his appearances in the music videos of hip hop artists such as snoop dogg and 50 cent.

**these are lyrics from the legendary hip hop song, 'po' pimpin'' by chicago rap group, do or die.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

fecundmellow public service announcement take 1: how to add beats to your blog.

(for harold gibson, tastee dee-lite, and anyone else who wants to know)

to add a soundtrack to your blog, copy and paste the following into your blog template:
*less than sign*embed name="RAOCXplayer" src="" type="application/x-mplayer2" width="320" height="70" ShowC."0" ShowStatusBar="1" AutoSize="true" EnableC."0" DisplaySize="0" loop="true" pluginspage=""*greater than sign**less than sign*/embed*greater than sign*

(i had to write the actual term for the character, b/c explorer will just read it as html if i don't.)

you may show or hide the controls if you like. you may also manipulate the width and height of your player; i've simply given you the set-up i use.

of course, now that you have the html, you prolly wanna know where i get my beats, right? well, that's a little google trick i might share with you if you're nice to me. email me for details, and if you have any additional questions.

rumor tomorrow, i promise.

now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, July 04, 2005

whitney and bobbi kris say:

"whitney and bobbi kris" (my mom interprets
being bobby brown; she titled it herself.)Posted by Picasa

"while you wait for the rumor, being bobby brown: the blog has been updated."

have YOU voted for this week's rumor? it's up to you!!!!

for the record, my mother sent me this picture via email. i had nothing to do with this; my mother is crazy on her own--especially with my younger sister's help.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison