Monday, February 28, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

oscar fills black quota in one night; gets mistaken as the naacp image awards.

28.february.2005--if you tuned into the 77th annual oscars late last night, and realized it was not being aired on abc as advertised, you were not alone. it seems that midway through the show network executives became extremely confused. with so many black people on air at the same time--especially beyonce, p. diddy, and jay-z-- show directors mistook the oscars for the naacp image awards, and quickly moved the show from the disney-owned abc to upn. 'i could've sworn i saw clint eastwood and barbra streisand,' one cameraman said. 'but then all of a sudden i see all these black men walking on and off stage. at first, i still thought it was the oscars because i'd heard that chris rock was hosting. but when i saw robert de niro, i thought: this has to be the soul train awards.'

despite the confusion, the awards were quickly put back on abc, interrupting a rerun of desperate housewives; upn switched back to girlfriends. and somehow, the world is still spinning. quite surprising when you about how many black men graced the oscar stage last night. and get this: NOT ONE STABBING!

'there were so many black men on stage, i thought it was the source awards,' one hollywood producer was overheard saying after the show. 'fortunately we knocked that black shit out in one sitting. next year we'll almost be back to normal.'

in one night, the academy accomplished what it couldn't do adequately for over 70 years: vote for black people to win oscars. it seems as if last century was quite the learning experience for the academy: why wait to give black people oscars when you can take care of it quick and early? according to hollywood insiders, with last night's awards the academy sought to reach this century's affirmative action quota as soon as possible; boy did they succeed. with 2001 winners, halle berry (1/2 a point) and denzel washington (bonus point for being married to a black woman who is not a video ho turned red carpet arm accessory), the addition of morgan freeman and jamie foxx as winners, along with host, chris rock nearly equals last millennium's number of black winners and hosts (hosts: sammy davis jr. [minus 3/4 of a point because he was jewish and hung out with a lot of white people] and whoopi goldberg; winners: hattie mcdaniel, sidney poitier, denzel washington, lou gossett jr., whoopi goldberg [dreadlocks cancel the jewish part] and cuba gooding jr. who also only gets 1/2 a point.)

'to avoid any potential lawsuits, instead of waiting until the end of the century like we did last time, we decided to take care of our black quota now,' one member of the academy commented. 'we're a non-discriminatory awards show. we do not discriminate on sex, race, creed, or sexual orientation. we really try to embrace straight people in the arts. and black people, too. we're pretty close to signing lenny kravitz up for next year. that'll take care of that sammy davis, jr. thing from the 70s. plus, we anticipate having to award more latinos in the near future, especially since people have pretty much forgotten about benicio del toro. hell, even benicio del toro has forgotten about benicio del toro. i'll give out plenty of oscars to mexicans. so long as we don't have to start having a bilingual host.'

it should also be mentioned that oscar is getting more and more hip hop. not only did chris rock's incessant pacing across the stage during his monologue remind us of the quintessential hype man, but sean 'p. diddy' combs designed rock's tuxedo--something he made sure to tell everyone who interviewed him on the red carpet. he has future plans to remix the oscar statue. 'oscar needs more bling. my new sean john line of award trophies should handle that. bad boy, baby. takethat takethat takethat.' it should be noted that recently retired rapper jay-z was also in attendance to support beyonce knowles who was performing.

with only halle berry and oprah winfrey getting any screen time during the show, however, it seems the academy is still fully committed to giving black women the shaft--and i don't mean sam jackson...shut yo' mouf!!!!

congrats to all the winners.

and, uh, martin scorsese is now officially the susan lucci of the oscars.

that is all.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

(start a rumor monday...wednesday edition)

circle gets the square: jackson witness list postpones taping of hollywood squares

15. february. 2005--
with a slew of celebrities set to testify for michael jackson's latest court trial, long-time running game show, hollywood squares recently had its cast list subpoened, and has consequently decided to postpone taping for its current season, due to the paucity of available celebrities. it is still uncertain whether or not the show will be canceled entirely.

with celebrities such as diana ross, barry gibb, liz taylor, and jay leno set to testify for the gloved one, hollywood will inevitably become a ghost town once the defense examines its witnesses. though the major networks won't feel the pinch since most television shows are cast with random ass white people willing to eat cockroaches and pig balls for money, the staff at hollywood squares has been thrown into a frenzy.

"we're scared shitless," one frantic production assistant admitted while making a coffee run to starbucks. "washed up celebrities trying to make a comeback were our demographic. we had a monopoly. your last sitcom got cancelled? go to hollywood squares. just got out of a.a.? go to hollywood squares. too fat for soft porn and too ugly to get off the b list? go to hollywood squares. people still remember that photograph of you giving your 21 year-old nanny a golden shower? go to hollywood squares. but now all those people are testifying for michael jackson. believe me, i've gone from taking to making phone calls. even gilbert godfrey is busy."

the massive celebrity list is all part of what jackson's attorneys call, 'the thriller defense.' the logic is as follows: if the defense can get lots of celebrities who were eat the zenith of his/her popularity during the 70s and 80s to testify for jackson, perhaps they can create an insurmountable nostalgia in jurors. as a result, each juror will recall that at one time they owned, listened to, and loved the thriller album. they will then remember jackson as a normal-looking, brown-skinned black man with a jheri curl. thus, they will ignore the crazy looking 'white dude' in the courtroom, and therefore find him innocent of whatever it was he was charged with in the first place.

though a long shot, jackson's attorneys are quite hopeful. for further insurance, they're constructing their closing arguments and responses to the media's questions around lyrics from the thriller album. when asked whether or not jackson really had the flu last week, one of jackson's legal representatives responded, "the king of pop faking an illness? shamon. his primary goal is to prove his innocence as quickly as possible. the flu is simply a result of stress. this is a very stressful time for the king of pop. ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa. he's been taking antibiotics, and i'm sure he'll be fully recuperated soon. "

the folks at hollywood squares don't expect to recover as quickly. the production assistant continued, "there are nine empty tic tac toe spaces on our set right now. what are we supposed to do? watch this weirdo grab his crotch and moonwalk on the witness stand? fuck that. i'm going to the $25,000 pyramid. or maybe even press your luck. whammies aren't on jackson's witness list."

that was always a better gameshow anyway.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, February 14, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

after more than 2000 years, jesus finally replaces disciple.

14. february. 2005--with a stirring performance last night that featured mavis staples, "bishop" t.d. jakes, and his own mama, rapper/producer extraordinaire, kanye west got more than a grammy. as of this morning, west can add disciple to his already long and impressive(?) resume. during a news conference this morning, jesus christ released the following statement:

"after long, careful analysis and serious contemplation, i have finally decided on a replacement for judas. it's been a very difficult decision, but god, the holy spirit and i are both confident with our choice. throughout the years we have undoubtedly seen some very worthy candidates, but the plethora of disciple hopefuls recently--namely mel gibson with his film, the passion of the christ; ben harper with his album, the 11th commandment, and mr. kanye west with his single, "jesus walks"--let us know that 2005 is the year of the disciple. it seemed only appropriate that we named lucky thirteen early in the year. and since it's black history month, we've decided to go with kanye west. his performance at the grammys last night put him over the top. i'm really glad i tivo-ed it."

though west didn't thank anyone--not even god-- during his first acceptance speech, his onstage deification not only wowed the grammy crowd into a(nother) superfluous standing ovation, but helped him pull way in front of the other disciple nominees. the live rendition of his club banger, "jesus walks," had three parts to it. first, west performed the first verse in a church setting wearing a black suit and white tie. then, there was a shadow puppet show behind a white sheet that included what seemed to be west getting the holy spirit and/or baptized, followed by him falling into a woman's arms--presumably his mother's. this was followed by john legend and the blind boys of alabama singing "i'll fly away" over a casket as two women mourned a passing. the third movement included the reemergence (resurrection, maybe?) of west rocking a pure like lamb's wool white suit and tie. after finishing the last verse, west emerged from the crowd of black parishioners with angel's wings, flying slightly above outstretched hands of the sanctified crowd.

when asked if this last gesture was a bit over the top, and if it indicated that west had more of a jesus complex than we initially thought, jesus had the following words, "i don't think it was too much at all. in fact, i kind of like zealots. but if you think about what that nigga ye did last night in comparison to gibson and harper, there was really no contest. it's kind of like the three bears and i'm goldilocks, you know? harper just drops an album called the 11th commandment. and i mean, that's nice and all, but that's soooo old testament. besides, did you see what he was wearing last night? and with mel, spending that much money on a film--even a film on me--is like too much. i mean, all we want is one-tenth of your income. besides, all those passion products last year--i really felt overexposed. i mean, i called gwyneth paltrow up and was like, "gwyn, i totally understand how you felt back in 1998 when you were in every movie and on every magazine cover. i, too, am sick of myself." besides that whole jewish thing is really problematic. those are my people, you know? anyway, i just thought what kanye did was just right: giving him and me praise at the same time. plus, he's hip hop. you can't really top that. by the way, my album drops march 27. easter sunday, bitches."

of the semi-deification, west remains confident, but humble. "i'm really happy about it, but i can't say i didn't expect it. i'm working on a remix of the gospels as we speak. people were wondering if i'd wile out if i didn't become a disciple. i guess we'll never know...will my quotes appear in red, too?"

by the way, jesus, black history month was moved to january. (obviously he doesn't read my blog.)

(otherwise known as valentine's day)

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

i'm nervous...

skee-lo? check.
outkast? check.
biggie? check.
ahmad? check.
young mc? check.
heavy d? check.
sweet t? check.
guests for me and nahmix's party?

i'm beginning to think this whole party business was a bad idea. we're having trouble locating a receiver, and i'm worried that no one is going to show. maybe we should just go to chuck e. cheese.


yes, yes, y'all...and ya don't stop!

music hitting ya hard 'cause i know you got soul... Posted by Hello








NOTE: you will be required to either recite at least one bar of a
classic hip hop song, and/or take a shot of patron just to get in. if
our doorperson does not deem you hip hop enough, you may be quizzed.
for example, if she says to you, 'relax your mind and let your
conscience be free.' you need to reply (in rhythm), 'and get down to
the sounds of epmd.'

bring your friends. forward liberally.

for more info, email:


language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, February 07, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

dude is more white bread than wonder.

nfl breathes sigh of relief as brady wins third super bowl

7. february.2005--when philadelphia eagles quarterback, donovan mcnabb threw a late fourth quarter touchdown to wide receiver greg lewis, the nfl front office could no longer breathe easily. the score pulled the eagles to within 3 points of the defending super bowl champion new england patriots, and with just under two mintues left, it was more than possible that the eagles could get one more possession with time left in regulation for a score-evening field goal, and possibly another score in overtime to become super bowl xxxix champions. after an onside kick and a punt by new england, the eagles once again took over possession at their own seven yard line with only 55 seconds remaining in the game. but with an interception on third down, the nfl powers that be could exhale a sigh of immense relief.

"we were that close to having another team led by a black quarterback win the super bowl," one spokesperson said during the post-game conference. "we really dodged a bullet."

with his appearance in the super bowl last night, donovan mcnabb became only the third african american quarterback to appear in the big game. the first, doug williams, led the washington redskins to a bowl(xxii) victory in 1988 against the denver broncos (42-10). in the game, williams threw a super bowl record-tying 4 touchdowns, and more importantly kicked john elway's ass back to mile high stadium (that's two steps forward for the race!!)--though elway would later win two super bowls in the late 90s. twelve years later, steve mcnair led the tennessee titans literally to within 1 yard of a possible super bowl win. with time expired, kevin dyson was tackled just one yard short of the end zone. his score, along with the go ahead extra point would have tied the score, and perhaps the st. louis rams (led by eventual mvp, kurt warner), would have not (so quickly) been champions of the nfl.

with his third super bowl victory in four years, new england patriots' quarterback, tom brady will take his position as the greatest nfl quarterback since troy aikman, and simultaneously saved black folks from having one more thing to celebrate during black history month. armed with a great smile and boyish charm, brady firmly takes his place as one of the great (white) quarterbacks in nfl history. bart starr, terry bradshaw (who called brady an all-american boy during the pre-game show), joe montana, the aforementioned aikman, and now tom brady can all put super bowl champion on their resumes, while warren moon, randall cunningham,, lemme think some more...well, whatever...were close, but never got to say, "i'm going to disney world." and with a name like tom brady, one could rather easily argue that it doesn't get any whiter than that. ( he related to wayne brady?)

after the game, i caught up with an nfl spokesman, who had this to say, "we're proud of the fact that along with hockey, football is the last great white hope in the major sports. and with hockey on strike until hell freezes over (ha!), we've really felt all alone. despite larry bird (another boston legend) basketball had to acknowledge magic johnson and michael jordan. and with all those mexicans running baseball, it's a surprise they still serve cracker jacks instead of gorditas at the concession stand. of course, i'm sure they offset all of that with ticket prices and such. but hell, it seems to me that the only place for a white man in sports is as coach, owner, or nfl quarterback, and we're doing our part to keep it that way."

indeed they are. in fact, in recent years the nfl has come under fire by the likes of johnnie 'the glove' cochran, who recognized the paucity of african american head coaches in the league depite the fact that more than half the players are black. cochran and his colleagues have suggested an "affirmative action" initiative for the league; as a result, the nfl does require that at least one qualified african american be interviewed for vacant coaching positions. despite this ruling, the detroit lions quite blatantly hired steve mariucchi without interviewing any african americans, namely then baltimore ravens defensive coordinator, marvin lewis, who did eventually end up in cincinnati. perhaps as karmic justice, the lions still suck major ass.

as one deliberates even more, one realizes that a philadelphia eagles win would have been immensely problematic. mcnabb, after all, was at the center of the rush limbaugh controversy early last season. limbaugh mentioned mcnabb during his remarks about the "media being desirous" of having a black quarter back succeed in the league. mcnabb was also the source of a small controversy started, instigated, and ended on this very blogsite (i can't find it in the archive; maybe i just talked about it) in regard to a chunky soup commerical--involving black people and melons--that aired last year. also, terrell owens--who had a gutsy and impressive performance last night, just 6 weeks after having screws put in his right ankle--was at the heart of the monday night football hoopla several months ago. plus, head coach andy reid looks like a walrus.

for the nfl front office, then, tom brady and the new england patriots were the ideal league champion. no black nipples during half-time, another black quarterback doesn't win a super bowl, and none of the announcers have to give terrell owens more than some cursory respect for playing on a bum ankle. mostly, pretty white boys still have a spot on the playing field. the spokesman reflected, "it's not often that a tom brady comes around. we often wonder, 'is this a position [quarterback] we're going to have to give up, too?' you folks can continue to be wide receivers and tailbacks. that involves running, you people are good at that. you can even be linebackers. we feel that position is tailor made for your men, because you have to be real aggressive. take all those records. but calling plays and finding the open man? leave that to us. we'll run that show. and i tell you one more thing: the day names like deion and tyrone and daunte sit atop those like dan, tom, and joe in the record books is the day i give up my stock in the league. not really, but you know what i mean."

in a brief digression, when asked if the nfl had changed their passing rules this season to suit in-the-pocket quarterbacks like peyton manning, he replied, "damn, you're a smart girl. and i tell you something else: i know dan marino [former holder of nfl passing records broken this year by indianapolis colt, peyton manning] was white, but nobody gets that tan--even if you're playing in miami--if there isn't something in the woodpile somewhere."

at least he's honest.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison