Wednesday, March 30, 2005

membership has its privileges...

fecundmellow presents: 'shit (rich) white people can do that other folks can't: an overview'

  • jaywalk their asses off: i've come to the conclusion that something in the genes of white people causes them to step out into the street without looking. i suppose this is one of the benefits of ruling the world. you can just manuever through it without a second thought. you just assume your ass should not get hit by a car. yesterday, i was driving down 59th street when this white dude and a group he was apparently leading stepped out into the street. this nigga had the nerve to point down to the white lines on the street, as if such symbols of a pedestrian crosswalk indicated that he didn't have to look both ways. he obviously didn't know who i was. i honked at him, gave him the finger, and kept driving. it is people like him who i sincerely hope get hit by cars driving really fast. scratch the car. make that an s.u.v. better yet, a semi-truck.

  • wear shorts in the winter: do you not get cold, white people? sunshine does not always indicate warmth. why is it that white folks put on flip flops and shorts on unusually warm winter/spring days? it's still 50 degrees outside homie. i went to skool with a white chick who wore shorts everyday. i also went to skool with white girls who wore jean shorts and sweatshirts like all the time. but they shivered. i don't get that.

  • mow their lawns in their bathing suits: we used to live across the street from this white family, and the mom would always mow the lawn barefoot and in her one-piece bathing suit. i thought it was an anomaly until i saw old white men mowing their grass in swimming trunks. now if my brother woulda hopped on the john deere with some speedos on, i'm sure he'da got arrested for indecent exposure. that ain't fair.

  • get a loan: my old piano teacher charged 7 bux per half hour lesson. her husband was a bagger at scott's grocery store--nah, f'real. i saw him working there several times. i used to work at scott's, and all the football players were baggers. we made like 5.75 an hour. they had three kids. and they had a house--that they owned. i know i'm from fort wayne indiana, but how did they do this?

  • have their drug addictions be considered health issues and not criminal ones: i don't think i need to explain this.

  • have 'conversations' with the police (dave chappelle swipe): what must it be like to grab for your wallet and not get shot 41 times?

  • make up jobs and get paid a lot of money for doing them: movie critic...valet...literary consultant...: what do these jobs have in common? white people created them, and somehow make a lot of money doing them. a while ago i was listening to some story on npr, and this guy was being interviewed. he was a--get this-- recycling expert. dude had a tenured job at a university and everything. how does one become a 'recycling expert'? are there classes offered? can i major in recycling? why have i never heard of such programs? white people just make up their own jobs; and get paid for that shit. i wish a nigga would tell me he was a 'recycling expert'. i'd look at him like, 'nigga, please.'

  • go to europe with no money...allegedly: i'm a grad student. and anyone who knows and/or hangs with a grad student for any amount of time knows that we spend a lot of our time (talking about) being broke. yet somehow, some of my colleagues of the paler persuasion--who claim to have little if any funding-- are taking these trips to europe backpacking and shit. how do white people do this? are they all independently wealthy? how can they bitch about having no funding and/or health insurance, yet always seem to have the funds to spend a few weeks of the summer in paris or london or anyone of those european towns? this is beyond me.
  • get a fair trial: i'll bet you michael jackson has never felt blacker.
oh, the list goes on...add to it if you like.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

fecundmellow presents: summer m.'s first poem

love poem

i love you enough
to write you
love poem.


i'm sooooo fucking deep.

stank you smelly much.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, March 28, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

jesus is risen!, but sees shadow

28. march.2005--much to the excitement of christian followers around the world, jesus christ rose right on time: the first sunday after the the first full moon after the first day of spring. unfortunately for believers and non-believers alike, he saw his shadow, and there will be 6000 more years of hell on earth.

"we thought we only had about a millennium left until the apocalypse," one biblical scholar said, "but with this new development, we're looking at about 6000 more years until what we've scholars coined 'jesus intervention' otherwise known as the end of times. this is a tremendous disappointment to academic circles and segments of the christian community. after reading the book of revelation over and over again, we all thought we'd calculated correctly. despite the using the phrase as a constant reminder and warning, it seems that we'll have to say something other than, 'we're in our last days.' we have at least 2.1 million 'last days' to go. to say that today's events have been absolutely devastating would be an understatement."

though he did not take any questions from onlookers and members of the media, jesus christ did release a statement through his publicist, "as you all know by now, i've seen my shadow. let it be a lesson to you. i'm really getting sick of this shit. every year it's the same thing: pontius, parade, last supper, denial, crucifixion, resurrection. pontius, parade, last supper, crucifixion, resurrection. yet somehow you just don't get it. i mean, you can't even get my picture right. you've seen the middle east and the people who inhabit it. you know, while you've been distracted by feeding tubes and mj in pajamas, there's a war going on over there. but i digress. anyway, you've seen my 'hood. it's hot over there. do you think jim caviezal--or any white boy for that matter, tan or not--looks like me? if you can't even get my features right, how in the hell do you think you got the rest of it right? i promise, all man was good for was naming some animals. yeah, while thine worries about catching 'the gay' thine is ignoring genocide around the world. if it wasn't for my dad, i wouldn't keep doing this shit. so consider this a blessing. blessed are the human beings who get another 6 millennia to get it right. don't forget to buy my album after church. easter sunday, bitches. and i'm out."

at press time, it had already been prophesied that jesus christ's debut album, saint or sinner: interpret this, released on kanye west's new label, would be the number 1 album in america next week.

well, praise the lord and pass the jelly beans. aaaaahmen.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

(start a rumor monday...tuesday edition)

news in brief

judge sentences lil kim

soon after being found guilty of perjury, a judge sentenced lil kim to the maximum 20 years in prison. he broke down her punishment in the following way:
  • 1 year probation for perjury (in court).
  • 5 years for lying about how many times she's had her breasts done.
  • 14 years for fraudulently claiming on her tax return to be an emcee.
lil kim (government name kimberly jones) as of yet has released no comment; interestingly, her recently hired ghostwriter is currently on vacation in the bahamas.

but i don't wanna eat!!!!

with the recent emergency congress session on sunday, it seems that the "culture of life" of models, hollywood actresses, and young suburban white girls everywhere will soon be directly threatened. after a hasty vote that forced the terry shiavo case back into court, suburban moms and dads are appealling to the courts on their own behalf. several parents and parents' rights advocates have requested that it be permanently legal for them to force feeding tubes down the throats of their anorexic and bulimic daughters. though these cases are still in court, "president" bush and members of congress have gone on record saying they support allowing a next of kin to force those who seem frightfully skinny and/or have eating disorders to wear portable feeding tubes. members of the fashion community, calista flockhart and sarah jessica parker are all leading the movement against such legislation.

i guess he is a black man underneath it all

contrary to news reports surrounding the michael jackson trail, the gloved one's lateness and occasional truancy from court was not the result of jackson's alleged recent health problems. rather, jackson has been late due to some essential blackness not affected by his well-documented "skin disease". when jackson's lawyers went to pick up the king of pop for his court appearance, he answered the door in pajamas saying he was on cpt. jackson's legal team--all white-- thought this was a medication for some ailment from which jackson appeared to be suffering. they accounted for his thinness and pale appearance as evidence of this ailment, thought to be the flu or a sickness with flu-like symptoms. it wasn't until a court recess when talking to jackson's brother, tito, that jackson's representatives were told that cpt was not a colloquial term for a perscribed medication, but rather an acronym for colored people's time. though the legal team attempted to explain the reason for the miscommunication to the judge (also white), nothing but confusion ensued in the courtroom. with race being such a confusing and dangerous issue to introduce in legal situations involving rich (formerly) black people like michael jackson and o.j. simpson (and since gayatri spivak was not available to explain [y'all academic heads feel me] and probably would have simply muddied the already dirty water), jackson's sickness was accepted as a feasible and more comprehensible explanation.

white sprinter says: 'hey, i juiced up, too!'

in the midst of professional baseball players testifying (or is it testilying?) in front of the us government in regards to steroid use in professional baseball, another sprinter has confessed to using performance enhancement drugs. the athlete, a 27 year-old white mala (name witheld) from lincoln, nebraska, admitted to using steroids during the 2003-2004 indoor/outdoor track season. though he seemed remorseful and willing to accept his punishment, track officials refused to discipline the 100- and 200-meter sprinter saying, 'his white ass needed all the help he could get.'

in related news, there is no word as to whether or not jose canseco's conclusion that his tremendous use of hair gel during his baseball career helped him steal bases better (as it precluded infielders from tagging him out) --especially during his famed 40/40 season-- will be considered with the seriousness his steroid use has. though the government is mum on how they will treat this admission, major league baseball has already issued a severe disciplinary system for players who are caught having hair gel in their lockers before games:
  • 1st offense: 30 games suspension
  • 2nd offense: 1 season suspension
  • 3rd offense: out of baseball
there is no word as to whether or not black baseball players will still be allowed to wear hairgrease.

(there. i did it. don't blame me if it wasn't funny. i told you i was in a rut.)

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, March 21, 2005

start a rumor monday is on hiatus until:
  1. later today (if i feel like blogging)
  2. after spring break
  3. i get some material on which to base a rumor
(i'm in a blogging rut...he'p me, please!!!!)

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

personality chix of the world...unite!!!!


ok. so, for those of you who don't know, saf, nahmix, and i all kick it together in real life. we hang out often. we drink, we pass out on each other's beds, fall asleep on each other's toilets, piss in each other's showers (only when drunk and the toilet is occupied, of course). we go to bad plays and heckle the actors (nigga whippa!), we got inside jokes. we talk maaaad shit. and though we haven't known each other for years and years, if you hung out with us, you'd swear we grew up together.

anyway, we're now officially a crew. we call ourselves personality chix. don't get it twisted. this does not simply consist of blogging and drinking a lot. we actually have a plan. we're gonna be the first renaissance women of our generation. we're gonna produce funny, thought-provoking work. this is just a warning...

what is a personality chick?
a personality chick is that one girl who has to put in a lil work to get some action. it's not that she's ugly, it's that she just can't necessarily walk into a room and have hella niggas (or girls in my case) tripping over her weave to get the digits. we gotta be funny, smart, know about hip hop and nigga shit, you know, have great personalities. this, as a result, has made us some cool bitches.

who are personality chix?
personality chix are saf, nahmix, and fecundmellow.

saf: this is one shameless bitch. there is nothing that you can say about her that makes her blush. she says all the things you wish you had the balls to say. and she always uses the right words--eloquent like a mofo; helluva writer. rocks a relaxer and makes that shit revolutionary. does not apologize for who she is, and will not change for anyone. (we've tried to get other women to kick it with us, but saf always scares them away.)

nahmix: you want this chick to be your manager. iono, but she be having her shit together. she actually saves money!! she got fly ass natty dreads, and a shoe collection most bitches would envy. and she's so fuckin' coooool. if anybody knows and is confident in who they are, it's nahmix. unlike the other two, she's actually very nice and sweet. she keeps us in check. well, sometimes. she'll make sure both saf and fecundmellow make something out of themselves, and don't spend up their money on booze and weed. she will create a legacy before it's all said and done. she's focused, man.

fecundmellow: what a self-degrading bitch. fecundmellow is a daydream believer. she's almost as irreverent as saf, but doesn't have the mean streak. she is a professional shit-talker. hates to be cornered. despises being figured out. prefers the internet over personal communication. wants to quit skool and become a frequent contributer to vh1's best week ever and i loves the __s series. because she lacks focus, she needs nahmix very much. and because she can punk out at times, she needs saf. oh, and she digs pretty girls. mostly from afar, though.


what are the characteristics of a personality chick?
well, one of saf's recent posts, really sums up our current state of mind as black grad students. it's damn near like a manifesto...kinda. if you didn't read it on her blog, i've posted it below:

Inside Edition

University_logo Last night, I was chilling with the boyfriend (in town for the weekend), smokin' something, watching UConn play Syracuse, and he asked me where I got my weed. I told him: I got it from a friend who got it from this weed guy that she hooked up with over the Internet. To which he responded, "That's how you know you're a grad student." I couldn't even get mad. That shit was dead-on.

Just in case it's slipped past you, I am a Ph.D. student at the above hallowed institution. I study English, which is where the sense of entitlement that you felt coming off that "Eyes Were Watching God" post comes from. I am currently getting ready for my oral fields exam. And yes, I have obviously decided, like Bone Crusher, not to be scared if somebody puts two-and-two together and figures out who I am. Fuck it, whatever.

Anyway, there are some behaviors that my peers and I have that distinguish us as graduate students, and even more, as black grad students, that I'm sure regular nigs would find pretty funny if they peeped them. So here it is, a peek into our crazy world. Hope you love it.

Only a black grad student would...

Meet her weed man over the Internet.

Troll Craig's List instead of a bar to find a date.

Talk about the racial politics of "America's Top Model" instead of just laughing at how dumb the hoes are.

Have more bottles of hard liquor in her fridge than actual food.

Shelve her books 1) alphabetically; 2) thematically; 3) chronologically, or 4) according to the Dewey decimal system like a library (and I do know a chick that had her books arranged like this, no lie).

Hang pictures of literary icons and jazz legends, instead of Jesus and Martin Luther-the-King, next to the requisite photos of mama 'nem.

Do more emailing and instant messaging than actual talking to people.

Make up rap names for the professors in her department (Shout out, K-Whizzle and D Nelly!)

Buy 94% fat free popcorn because it's "healthier" and not less fattening.

Eat vegetarian or even vegan, but drink like a fuckin' fish and smoke hella weed.

Smoke weed, but not know how to roll a joint or blunt.

Have a martini shaker, bottle of Triple Sec, and speed pourers at the house.

Have more than one copy of the same book, but still be totally reluctant to loan the book out.

Use a debit card to buy a $5 coffee at Starbucks.

Buy a $5 coffee.

Stand in the audience of a hip hop concert, deconstructing the racial politics of the crowd.

Go to dinner with a stuffy scholar whose work is incomprehensible to her just to get free food and wine.

Have checks sent to her from her parents through UPS.

Watch the film adaptation of a classic novel with the novel out and open.

Call famous authors by their first names, like she knows those niggas personally.

Feel guilty for never having read "Moby Dick."

Consider blogging an "intellectual exercise."

ADDENDUM: Figure out how to have a helluva Saturday night for less than twenty dollars total.

Blog as much as I do when I have eighty damn books to read for my oral exams.

I'm such a nig, I know...


so be on the look out for us. we're sure to blow up. soon as we quit drinking.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, March 14, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

winfrey and berry discussing their eyes in january 2005

with success of their eyes winfrey, berry create production company; set to remake imitation of life

14. march. 2005-- with almost 25 million americans tuning in to see halle berry star as zora neale hurston's janie in the film adaptation of the literary classic, their eyes were watching god two sundays ago, representatives for both oprah winfrey and halle berry announced this morning that the two intend to capitalize on that success, and launch a production company.

'it is my pleasure to announce that oprah winfrey and halle berry have officially come together and created a production company. this company will mostly focus on bringing literary texts to the small screen,' winfrey's publicist said during an early morning press conference today.

the duo's first project will be a tag team effort both in front and behind the camera. set to begin producton later this year, berry and winfrey will executive produce and star in a remake of the douglas sirk version of the classic, imitation of life. winfrey will play annie johnson, and berry will take on the role of her daughter, mary jane. though no one has been named to play the part of lora meredith made famous by lana turner, rumors have already spread that julia roberts may sign up for the role..

'after their eyes, imitation of life is oprah's favorite love story,' the publicist announced. 'ms. winfrey believes that both she and ms. berry were born to reprise these roles for an entirely new audience.'

along with imitation of life, the publicist announced the long list of projects berry and winfrey have in the works, all of which will star the oscar award winner and star of catwoman. their second project will be a film adaptation of nella larsen's, passing, the story of two light-skinned women living in the early 20th century, one of which is passing for white. berry will play both irene redfield and clare kendry. the duo will also make larsen's quicksand, along with frances e.w. harper's iola leroy, both of which have mulatto women at the center of their stories. berry may also dress in drag to play the nameless narrator in a film version of james weldon johnson's the autobiography of an ex-coloured man. susan lori-parks has been chosen to pen all of the screenplays.

when asked if these projects were quite ambitious given the lackluster reviews their eyes... received, winfrey's publicist responded, 'ms. winfrey is not interested in any negativity, as it prevents her from becoming her best self. ms. winfrey is not concerned with what reviewers will say. she is interested in the process. for her, making a film is like giving birth. besides, when hurston's book was published in 1937, it wasn't well-received. it is now a literary classic. we believe the same will be true for the film version of their eyes. years from now, we'll look back and realize the gem that winfrey produced. she is sure of it. besides, the numbers don't lie. on the evening of march sixth, everybody was watching oprah, i mean, god.' he concluded, 'tragic mammy productions will continue to bring african american literature to the small screen. ms. berry and ms. winfrey believe that it is part of their purpose.'

uh, i guess they mean well.

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison

Monday, March 07, 2005

(start a rumor monday...)

i wanna pee on you: coz and kells collaborate

news brief

7. march. 2005-- bill cosby has (unintentionally) hooked up with another accused sexual predator: r. kelly. it seems that various internet sites have been selling bill cosby sex tapes along with, get this, a soundtrack of songs written, performed and produced by r. kelly.

apparently, a copy of bill cosby in the act with a young girl was discovered by a janitor cleaning the room where cosby's latest flop, fat albert was being edited. seizing the money-making opportunity, the janitor quickly made copies of the tape, and compiled a mix cd of r. kelly songs, including several previously unreleased tracks. he then created his own website where he showed previews of the tape, and then allowed interested viewers to purchase the work in its entirety. it is also available at borders, gold coast, and the virgin megastore in the musicals section, as well as a beauty salon or barber shop in a black neighborhood near you.

the dvd/cd combination has gone platinum faster that a southern rapper's teeth. there is already buzz that this janitor will be nominated for both a grammy and an oscar next year. 'i'm really glad people have seen my artistic vision,' he said. 'it took a lot of time to find the right songs, and play them at the most perfect moments in the film. the public's response has been tremendous. this has truly been a labor of love.'

the 45 minute cd and dvd are intended to be played simultaneously. the cd features several never heard before r. kelly tracks, including one song featuring kobe bryant rapping in italian on 'colorado bulldoggy style,' and another with michael jackson singing the hook on the rudy huxtable mix of 'all grown up'. though there is no doubt that it is in fact cosby on the tape, and kelly on the tracks, the compilation, entitled, 'best of both worlds: kelly and coz do the damn thing,' will not be used in either celebrity's court trial. 'due to some of the editing choices i made, the film is not admissable evidence in either trial,' the janitor said.

interestingly, the janitor has not been fired from his day job. in fact, since the film has been so successful, the studio promoted the janitor. he now has carte blanche to film and score his own projects. 'i'm currently working on a film set to star halle berry and a white men to be named later. there'll be no peeing or groping in this one, but the contract guarantees that she'll show at least one of her breasts--twice. eric benet and christopher williams are doing the score.'

n.b.: though fecundmellow was not able to obtain a copy of the sex tape (that shit was $19.99 plus s/h!), we do know that part of the action involves jello pudding pops.

(oh come on. that was funny.)

**for those of you who don't know, a colorado bulldog is an alcoholic drink (vodka, kahlua, cream, and coke).

language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison