membership has its privileges...
fecundmellow presents: 'shit (rich) white people can do that other folks can't: an overview'
- jaywalk their asses off: i've come to the conclusion that something in the genes of white people causes them to step out into the street without looking. i suppose this is one of the benefits of ruling the world. you can just manuever through it without a second thought. you just assume your ass should not get hit by a car. yesterday, i was driving down 59th street when this white dude and a group he was apparently leading stepped out into the street. this nigga had the nerve to point down to the white lines on the street, as if such symbols of a pedestrian crosswalk indicated that he didn't have to look both ways. he obviously didn't know who i was. i honked at him, gave him the finger, and kept driving. it is people like him who i sincerely hope get hit by cars driving really fast. scratch the car. make that an s.u.v. better yet, a semi-truck.
- wear shorts in the winter: do you not get cold, white people? sunshine does not always indicate warmth. why is it that white folks put on flip flops and shorts on unusually warm winter/spring days? it's still 50 degrees outside homie. i went to skool with a white chick who wore shorts everyday. i also went to skool with white girls who wore jean shorts and sweatshirts like all the time. but they shivered. i don't get that.
- mow their lawns in their bathing suits: we used to live across the street from this white family, and the mom would always mow the lawn barefoot and in her one-piece bathing suit. i thought it was an anomaly until i saw old white men mowing their grass in swimming trunks. now if my brother woulda hopped on the john deere with some speedos on, i'm sure he'da got arrested for indecent exposure. that ain't fair.
- get a loan: my old piano teacher charged 7 bux per half hour lesson. her husband was a bagger at scott's grocery store--nah, f'real. i saw him working there several times. i used to work at scott's, and all the football players were baggers. we made like 5.75 an hour. they had three kids. and they had a house--that they owned. i know i'm from fort wayne indiana, but how did they do this?
- have their drug addictions be considered health issues and not criminal ones: i don't think i need to explain this.
- have 'conversations' with the police (dave chappelle swipe): what must it be like to grab for your wallet and not get shot 41 times?
- make up jobs and get paid a lot of money for doing them: movie critic...valet...literary skolar...fashion consultant...: what do these jobs have in common? white people created them, and somehow make a lot of money doing them. a while ago i was listening to some story on npr, and this guy was being interviewed. he was a--get this-- recycling expert. dude had a tenured job at a university and everything. how does one become a 'recycling expert'? are there classes offered? can i major in recycling? why have i never heard of such programs? white people just make up their own jobs; and get paid for that shit. i wish a nigga would tell me he was a 'recycling expert'. i'd look at him like, 'nigga, please.'
- go to europe with no money...allegedly: i'm a grad student. and anyone who knows and/or hangs with a grad student for any amount of time knows that we spend a lot of our time (talking about) being broke. yet somehow, some of my colleagues of the paler persuasion--who claim to have little if any funding-- are taking these trips to europe backpacking and shit. how do white people do this? are they all independently wealthy? how can they bitch about having no funding and/or health insurance, yet always seem to have the funds to spend a few weeks of the summer in paris or london or anyone of those european towns? this is beyond me.
- get a fair trial: i'll bet you michael jackson has never felt blacker.
language alone protects us from the scariness of things with no names. language alone is meditation. ~toni morrison